Read in Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine

THE PROBLEM: I’m a little afraid of my five-year-old son. Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration, but whenever I need to tell him he can’t do something, he gets extremely agitated, to the point where he’s red in the face. And he gets soooo angry at me! Too often, I give in. When I’m honest with myself, I realize I’m being overindulgent, but I can’t stand when he has these meltdowns. I feel like I’m walking on thin ice all the time. (Btw, It’s worse with me. My husband is better at being firm.) I know the obvious solution is to not give in so much, but I don’t seem to be able to do that. I hate to see him so unhappy.

Son doesn’t like change, throws fits when getting hair cut
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero

THE PROBLEM: My 7-year-old son can’t stand change. I’m not talking about moving to a new school, it’s more like him throwing a fit when he has to run an errand with me, leave a friend’s house, or even get a haircut. To everybody else, it looks like he’s unhappy all the time, but he’s not. He just has trouble adjusting to something new. And when he does experience bigger transitions, like getting a new teacher or a friend moves away, he becomes very fearful and hammers me with questions: “Why do I need a new teacher? Is my old teacher ever coming back? What if I don’t like the new teacher? What if she hates me?” Lately he’s begun biting his nails until they bleed and will even go to bed in the middle of the day when he’s confronted with something he’s unfamiliar with. Other than that, he’s fine! He’s a good student and has a lot of friends. It just seems to be this one thing.

Helicopter Mom Feels Sick About It
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero
Read more ASK MOM advice on Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine.

THE PROBLEM: I’m looking for help with the anxiety I have about my children. I have two, ages 5 and 9, and when I recently read an article about being a ‘helicopter mom,’ I felt sick. I check all the boxes. I can’t stop telling my kids what to do so they can get an advantage (e.g., talk to your teachers after school so they like you), I’m constantly warning them to avoid anything that has risk involved, and I feel uncomfortable if I don’t know what their homework is every day. (I always check to make sure they do it, even if I have to push, prod, and—I’m ashamed to admit it—do some of it for them.) These are just examples, but my husband will tell you, it’s constant. The only time I don’t feel slightly on edge is when I hear good news about one of my kids. I know it’s unhealthy, but how do I get out of it?

by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero
Read More ASK MOM advice in Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine​ ​ ​ ​
THE PROBLEM: Whenever I say anything to my 11-year-old daughter, she either ignores me or rolls her eyes. I would never have done this to my mother, especially when I was that young, and I’m astounded my daughter is doing it to me. She resists practically everything I say, even if it’s obviously true. I hardly dare share an opinion with her, for fear of getting one of her looks. It’s bad enough at home, but it gets pretty embarrassing in front of other moms, my friends, and people I don’t even know. I’m sad to say this, but my own feelings of self-worth are low, mostly because of how my daughter treats me. Any ideas would be appreciated.

Son has head in the clouds, steps into street
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero
Read More ASK MOM advice in Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine​ ​ ​ ​

THE PROBLEM: My son can’t get his head out of the clouds. (He’s 9.) He has a wonderful imagination and is always dreaming up big ideas, which is not the problem. I actually love that about him, and I tell him all the time. But so often, he seems far away. When he’s working on something, you can tell he’s daydreaming about something else. Like when I ask him to help around the house, he says ‘Sure!’. But then it takes him an hour to do something simple, like taking out the recycling. The worst is when he puts himself in danger, like when he doesn’t realize he’s stepping into a street. I know I need to help him with this, but I don’t know how.

Daughter Snubs Old Friends 
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero
Read More ASK MOM advice in Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine​ ​ ​ ​

​THE PROBLEM: Lately I’ve been alarmed at my daughter’s behavior toward three girls she’s been friends with for years. They are all now in fifth grade, and one of the more ‘popular’ girls in the class has started including my daughter in her group. It’s a tight-knit group, and apparently ‘too sophisticated’ for my daughter’s old friends, at least, that’s what my daughter says. It makes me so mad to hear her talk like that! I hate to see how much she is hurting her old friends, and I have to say, I’m surprised my daughter is acting like such a snob. 

Mom Friend Too Judgmental
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read More ASK MOM advice in Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine​ ​ ​

​THE PROBLEM: It’s always been hard for me to make mom friends, and I finally got one. At first, I felt like we were kindred spirits. We worry about the same things and have the same sense of humor. But then, I began noticing that she always talks about other moms at the school and especially about their kids. Stuff like, “I can’t believe so-and-so tells her kid to call me by my first name,” and “Did you notice how so-and-so always wears yoga pants so everybody can see how skinny she is?” I’m not really into talking about other people like that, and it makes me uncomfortable. But I don’t want to lose a friend now that I finally found one.

Son Upset When Routine is Disrupted
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read More ASK MOM advice in Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine​ ​
​
THE PROBLEM: When my son was a baby, we kept him on a tight schedule—naps, feedings, visits etc.—and he seemed to do very well. But now that he’s six (almost seven), he is still wants everything to happen a certain way—get up at the same time, eat the same breakfast, brush his teeth (toothbrush has to be green), and walk the same way to the bus stop, even though there are lots of ways to get there. I wouldn’t be so concerned except that he gets anxious when we disrupt his routine, which is a problem because there are a lot of things we can’t control. He’s always asking: “What are we doing next?” so he can prepare by adding it to his schedule. We’ve had him tested for any psychological issues, and he apparently falls within the norm. It just doesn’t seem normal to me.

Am I Raising a Bully?
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read More ASK MOM advice in Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine​ ​

THE PROBLEM: My oldest son (11 yo) is mean to his younger brother and sister. He calls each of them a derogatory nickname and constantly makes fun of them. He even shoves them a little when he walks by them, and it breaks my heart to see the two younger ones cut a wide swathe when they pass him in the hall or on the stairs. I am really, really scared about this. I don’t know where he learned that this kind of behavior was okay, but now that he’s older (and bigger), it’s gotten even worse. My husband gets angry and yells at him, but I try and ask him nicely to be kinder. I’m worried about him. He seems so angry and spends a lot of time in his room, alone.

MARY SAYS: While everyone in your household sounds as though they’re walking on eggshells around your son, I would suggest that he is the one who is the most unhappy about it. His behavior points to depression or something else that needs a professional checkup. Please seek counseling for this situation immediately.

Child Desperate Not to Go Back to School
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read More ASK MOM advice in Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine​
​THE PROBLEM: My 9-year-old son has always hated going to school. He’s awkward in a group, and he pretty much keeps to himself when he can. He LOVED the pandemic. I don’t mean to sound dismissive, but when I heard about kids getting depressed because they couldn’t go to school, I couldn’t help but think how much I would love my kid to feel that way. He was thrilled to stay home, glued to his laptop all day. He’s an outstanding student, and he really excelled in an online learning environment. He’s just so introverted around other kids, and he keeps begging me to let him go to online school permanently. I’m not quite sure what to do, except I feel strongly he needs to go to school so he can learn to be around other kids.

MARY SAYS: Your son has spent the last 18 months experiencing a new way to live. He’s been working largely on his own and doesn’t have to get out of bed every morning before dark. He’s had no commute, doesn’t need to worry if he’s dressed ‘cool’ enough, can socialize when he wants to, and stay home when he doesn’t. He’s got no interest in going back to the way things used to be

My Child is a Slob
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read More ASK MOM advice in Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine​
THE PROBLEM: I am worried about my daughter’s ability to organize herself. She leaves a trail wherever she goes, and her room is a mess. It drives me crazy! She’s 13 and on medication for ADHD, but I still think she could do better. It’s one thing to be like this at home, but she’s all over the place at school, too. (Late getting there, late homework assignments, messy locker, etc.) I admit I nag her too much, but I’m not sure what else to do. Sometimes I clean up after her, but she gets mad when I do. To be honest, I resent it, too. 

MARY SAYS: From a 30,000 foot view, the young lady you’ve described here sounds like a pretty typical teen. Adolescent bodies change at a rapid rate and something’s got to give. Keep in mind your daughter is navigating her teen years with a wildcard thrown in—ADHD. The energy it takes to manage raging hormones—and their evil twin, roller coaster emotions—leaves few reserves for cleaning one’s room or organizing school notebooks with a different colored tab for each subject.

Daughter is Mean to Her Friends
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson

​THE PROBLEM: I’m worried about my daughter and how she treats her friends. (She’s 11.) When they tell her something about themselves, she tries to make it seem less-than-spectacular. Like, when her friend Megan won a prize at school, my daughter said, “I heard they just gave it to someone to help with their self-esteem.” Or when her long-time friend, Sylvie, got a new haircut, my daughter told her she might like it better when it grows out. Her comments aren’t totally mean, and sometimes her friends don’t see what she’s doing. But I do, and I don’t like it. Ideas would be appreciated.

THE PROBLEM: Everybody else seems to be better at “momming” than me. They all volunteer at the school, their kids always look so clean and neat, and when the pandemic hit, somehow, they all figured out how to do the online school thing. I know, I know, it’s not EVERYBODY. But a lot of them. One thing I liked about the pandemic was that I didn’t have to talk to other parents. Every time I do, I walk away thinking they were insinuating something about me. I’ve got 3 kids and 2 jobs, and my husband is out of work. I hate that I can’t create an ideal childhood for my kids, because I love them so much. But everybody else seems to manage. What’s wrong with me?

ASK MOM: My Son is Rude to Me
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read More ASK MOM advice in Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine​

​THE PROBLEM: I’ve gotten into this weird dynamic with my kid. The bottom line is, he’s rude to me and I can’t do anything about it. Even though he’s only 9, he acts like he’s 16. When I tell him to put something away, he’ll say “You do it.” If I ask him to help me with something, he’ll say, “Do I have to?” (Of course I say YES.) I’ll ask him if he wants something to eat and he’ll just ignore me. Believe me, I tell him EVERY TIME his behavior isn’t acceptable (and why), but nothing changes. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but the way he treats me is making me feel bad about myself, even though I’m supposed to be the one in charge. Any ideas?

Daughter Too Shy to Speak Up
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine ​

THE PROBLEM: I am worried about my 6-year old daughter who always ‘hangs back’ whenever other kids are in the room. When someone brings a new game or toy on the scene, the other kids pounce on it, but my daughter steps away and starts twirling her hair. I’m worried she’s not assertive enough. Sometimes I think she’s just letting other kids go first, rather than pushing her way in. She also hesitates to answer questions, even simple ones, like “how old are you”? I’m not saying this is a big deal, but I wonder if there are techniques I can use to help her to ‘jump in’ more easily.

Is My Kid Faking It?
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine ​

THE PROBLEM: I’m beginning to worry about how often my son misrepresents things (he’s 9). I don’t mean he outright lies, but he’ll have these full-blown excuses about why he can’t do something, and I can’t tell if it’s real or not. The worst is when he gets ‘sick.’ He gets stomachaches, headaches, earaches—anything to get out of going to school, especially when they started going back in after a year of online. He’ll look miserable, but he gets a whole lot better as soon as I let him stay home. And of course, he COULD actually be sick, but I can’t tell when it’s real and when it isn’t. I’m getting this with homework (teacher never assigned it), low test scores (test was stuff the teacher didn’t cover), and other things. My husband gets mad at him when he starts making excuses, but I keep finding myself trying to believe him. I’m not sure where to go from here. 

Terrified of Kids Online
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine
​
THE PROBLEM: There are some kids (boys and girls) who are picking on my daughter, mostly online. I’m physically sick about it. I know this is supposed to be about my daughter, but I don’t know how to deal with the situation. It’s like these otherwise decent kids have turned into one big monster. I’m terrified of them, and I’m the grownup! Needless to say, my daughter is devastated. Her pain is beyond what I can describe. They’ve given her a code name so they can talk freely about her and act like it’s not a real person. The worst part is, it all started when my daughter didn’t text another girl back for a couple of days, and the girl decided to cut her off. For this minor infraction—my daughter didn’t even see the text—she’s now going to have scars for the rest of her life. I need some ideas but I don’t know where to turn.

My Son Can't Control Himself
Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine

by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson

THE PROBLEM: Since my son was little, he’s had a tendency to blurt things out and randomly do odd things. I thought he would outgrow it, but he’s in fourth grade and nothing has changed. It’s like he doesn’t have any filters, where he can take a moment before doing something and consider how people will react. For example, his class was having a little celebration, so they were all wearing hats they made. As soon as he put his on, he stepped in the trash can and started neighing like a horse. (I get embarrassed even writing this.) He has friends, so it’s not like he’s ostracized or anything, but I’m afraid this kind of behavior could backfire on him at any moment. I wish I knew how to help him control himself better.

Afraid My Baby Will Grow Up Like Me
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine

THE PROBLEM: My childhood was the kind you want to forget. (Abuse, neglect, you name it.) I’ve been able to escape it, and by some miracle, I married a nice guy who treats me completely differently. Without going into detail, I still suffer residual fears, depression, and anxiety about what happened to me. It’s hard to describe, but it feels like my trauma is part of who I am. A few months ago, we had a beautiful baby daughter, and I cried when I saw how pure she was. I am terrified I will ruin her, and she will become just like me. I almost feel like she was born under an unlucky star to have me as a mother! I am desperate to not feel like this for my daughter’s sake. Please help.

Son Turning into Hypochondriac
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine

​THE PROBLEM: Ever since the pandemic started, my 11-year old son ‘catches’ everything he reads about. He gets stomachaches, headaches, sore throats—any symptom he can think of. And each time, he’s sure it’s something deadly. He sings ‘Happy Birthday’ when he washes his hands, sometimes twice, just to make sure. (I even suggested he sing a different song to help him ease up on the compulsion, but he won’t.) I’m scared he’s becoming a hypochondriac. He can’t seem to stop thinking about his health. I keep telling him he’s fine, but that doesn’t work. I need ideas!

Am I Raising a Narcissist?
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine

THE PROBLEM: I have recently learned that one of my friends is a narcissist (as diagnosed by a clinician), so I have been doing a lot of reading about the disorder. I am discovering that my daughter demonstrates some of the characteristics of narcissism, like being unkind to other kids, talking about herself all the time, and not appearing to feel remorse when she does something wrong. One example of how mean she can be is that she didn’t want to invite a little boy in her class to her birthday party because he ‘smells funny.’ I made her invite him anyway, but I don’t think the boy had a good time, since my daughter managed to show her displeasure by hardly talking to him at all. She’s only 6, but if she does have narcissistic tendencies, I want to get on it right away.

MARY SAYS: Many therapists agree that 6 years of age is too young for a child to actually be a narcissist. In fact, a certain amount of egocentricity is healthy at this age; children need to figure out who they are and how they fit in. As parents, it’s our job to guide our innately self-centered children into grownups who naturally feel compassion and empathy toward others. You’re doing the right thing by addressing these issues now, rather than waiting until your daughter is a tween or a teen, when she could conceivably cause more harm to others.

After all, you don’t want your daughter to be the ‘mean girl.’

From what you describe, it sounds as though your daughter may be struggling with some serious issues. Does she act like she’s better than other children? Does she feel entitled to get whatever she wants? Does she expect excessive praise, regardless of her performance? Is she often jealous? Does she lack the ability to imagine what others might be feeling? If your answer to any of these questions is ‘yes,’ your daughter (and your family) may be in for a bumpy road ahead, and change will only happen if you go first.

Often times, when a child demonstrates disturbing characteristics such as these, he or she has managed to take control over the parent-child relationship. Whether your child was simply born headstrong (and you’re not), or she’s learned these behaviors from somebody else (not necessarily you), she’s figured out how to manipulate you. For whatever reason, she is getting away with behaviors that are not acceptable, and she is behaving like this with permission.

It’s time for you to step into your role as a parent and take charge. You must communicate zero-tolerance for cruel behaviors that are harmful to others. Here are a few ideas on how to start:

Be Firm. When you see your child behaving unkindly toward someone else, tell her in a clear and concise way that you insist she be sensitive to other people’s feelings, not just her own. Perhaps you’ve told her this already, but then what happened? It’s not enough to simply point it out. For example, if she won’t allow another child to join a game, pull her aside and ask her how she would feel if someone excluded her. Then ask her what she should do about it. An apology is in order, and an invitation to play should follow. If you daughter can’t (or doesn’t want to) see this, it’s time for her to go home so she can reflect on it some more.

In an ideal world, your daughter will realize what she has done, or at the very least, quietly go home with you. It’s more likely, however, that she will become angry and defensive, blaming you, the other child, anything rather than taking responsibility for what she’s done

Here’s where you need to be strong. (I am imagining this is the point where your previous efforts have come unglued.) Refuse to engage in her argument. Repeat your directive, regardless of how many times she comes back with a new defense. The responsibility is hers to be kind to everyone, period. Repeat, repeat, repeat, and don’t get sucked into an unhealthy back-and-forth.

Always remember, you are the parent.

Don’t Over-Praise. Parents often lavish excessive praise on their children, in the mistaken belief that lots of praise builds a high self-esteem. It doesn’t. Rather, too much praise creates an individual who seeks affirmation from external sources, which puts someone’s self-worth at the mercy of other people’s opinions. We’ve all known (or read about) narcissistic adults who spend every waking moment making sure other people are thinking about them, talking about them, and admiring them. What a tiresome way to live!

If you praise your daughter for every little thing she does, please stop! A parent’s praise serves one true purpose, and that is to be a role model for when and how children should eventually praise themselves—realistically, with honest feedback, and with love. Over-praising will create grandiosity in your daughter, which becomes even more insidious (and MUCH harder to let go of) when she takes over for you and starts doing it on her own.

Balance Her Relationships.  How many chores is your daughter expected to do? How often does she ask about YOUR day? Is she expected to help her siblings (if she has any), or feed, water, and walk a dog? In too many families, the singular answers to each of these is none, never, and no. In a home that is overly child-centric, the children are rock stars, and everybody else is there to admire them. While that may sound like a drag for ‘everybody else,’ it’s much worse for the child.

Children need to be needed. (Who doesn’t?) They want to learn how to diaper a baby sister, teach the family dog to do tricks, set the table. Don’t mistake “Aww, Mom, do I have to?” for not really wanting to. This is what we all say (even to ourselves), when we have to interrupt what we’re doing to do something else.

Self-sufficient young children are a joy to behold. They pack their own lunches, manage their own homework, even do their own laundry when they’re tall enough to reach. They grow into independent bigger children who see themselves as contributing members of a class, a sports team, a community.

And make it a point to tell your child something about yourself—every day—to help your child develop curiosity and interest in others.

With a focused effort, you can reverse the behaviors you are observing in your daughter. At first, she might feel like she’s fallen from her throne and can’t do anything right. But over time, she will get it. Your challenge will be patience; it’s important you execute your new plan with caring and love, not anger and disappointment. More than anything else, your overly self-centered child needs to know you love her unconditionally, and that no matter what she does, you will always be there for her.

Teaching your child to read? Learn about our online phonics program!

KRISTI SAYS: Let’s be real here, all children have “narcissistic tendencies.” They only think of themselves, they say rude things, they have no concept of personal space, and they think the world revolves around them. Like you said, your daughter is only 6-years-old. I would be slow to label her a narcissist and would instead look for ways to help her develop a healthy view of herself and to exhibit more compassion as she grows.

Isolating others and being mean can be a cover for your daughter’s own insecurities. It may reflect how peers have treated her, or it may protect her from being bullied. (By joining in on the bullying, she doesn’t become their target.)

Kids don’t always realize the impact their words have on other children. As parents, it’s our job to teach them. One thing I like to do with my kids when they use mean words is to turn it back on them momentarily. I find that it helps them to understand that what they say matters.

I might ask, “How would you feel if someone called you smelly? What if they said you were the stinkiest creature to ever walk the earth, and no one should play with you because or they’ll stink, too?”

I may also ask something like, “Now how does it feel when people say you are a good friend, and they can’t wait to play with you? What if they said you were the coolest kid, that everyone should want to hang out with you?”

Then I’ll follow up with something like, “One of these statements feels good to hear, and the other doesn’t. Which one feels good? Which one doesn’t? How does it make you feel? How can you use kind words with your classmates instead of unkind ones?”

When I use this tactic, it helps my children develop an understanding of the power of words. I don’t expect my children to be friends with everyone, but I do encourage them to be kind.

At school, children are in a bubble. They only experience life with the same group of kids, day in and day out. If you want to help your daughter develop compassion, expand her world. Take her to parks in other parts of town. Give her opportunities to connect with new kids. Let her experience what it’s like to be an “outsider.”

Get her involved in activities that require her to interact with a diverse group of peers, like a sport where kids need to work together. Maybe she could volunteer to read to shelter pets or participate in a food drive for the hungry. These types of activities will help her see a world beyond herself so she can develop a compassionate heart.

Let there be consequences when she is unkind and reward her with praise when you observe her being kind or helpful to others. For the birthday situation, you unfortunately set her up by forcing her to invite the boy she didn’t like. She was still around the same peers, and you added him to the mix, hoping she’d be kind. It sounds like she did a pretty good job given the circumstance. She may have ignored him, but it doesn’t sound like she purposefully tormented him or teased him, either.

She deserves praise for that. It’s a good step, one that can grow into something more.

One way to help correct her behavior is to have her practice apologizing. Even if she doesn’t “feel” remorse, she can still learn to do the right thing. You could have her say something like, “I’m sorry I called you smelly. It wasn’t kind.” Even if she only practices with you, it’s a way to help her verbalize what she did. Eventually, you can have her go a step further and actually say it to the person she hurt.

I always have my kids apologize to someone when they’ve done or said something hurtful. When they were little, they didn’t necessarily “feel bad,” and they were reluctant to do it. But I’ve noticed as they’ve grown older, the “feeling” of remorse is starting to follow the words.

Continue looking for the good in your daughter and don’t label her just yet. She’s still a child and has a lot of time to learn and grow.

ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we’d love to hear from you! askmomyourquestion@gmail.com

Teach your child to read with phonics.

​Read more ASK MOM advice.

THE PROBLEM: I’m afraid my 13-year old son has gotten into some stuff on the internet that’s causing him a lot of anxiety. He’s convinced the world is going to end soon, and he can’t stop talking about it. He’s lost interest in the activities he used to enjoy, like playing guitar and watching sports on TV with his dad, and he’s trying to convince everybody else to worry, too. (Again, by talking about it all the time.) He has also confided to me that he feels hopeless, and he doesn’t know what’s going to happen to him after the world ends. He is suffering so much, and I feel awful for him, but I don’t know how to help him.

MARY SAYS: Have you ever found your mind grinding away at something you said in a work meeting or obsessing on an imagined health scare? You’re bee-bopping along, happy, and all of a sudden, bam! In an instant, your thoughts turn into a runaway train without brakes.

At best, it’s annoying, but at worst, obsessive thinking can consume you in a most uncomfortable way, which is what is happening to your son.

Unfortunately, heightened anxiety is a common fallout from a global disaster, which we have been in since—since—wow, it feels like forever. There’s no shortage of bad news to fuel endless doom-scrolling, which an anxious mind loves to feed on.

Common sense might tell you to limit your son’s internet use. But aside from dealing with the pushback you’ll get, it’s not that simple. To revisit our earlier metaphor, the train has already left the station.

Your son is in desperate need of coping tools. For whatever reason, he has joined the thousands of children who have lost the resiliency that comes so naturally to young people. He may be a particularly sensitive boy, or he might be dealing with another issue that is too overwhelming to look at, which makes obsessing on the end of the world an easier option.

He also might be picking up on how you’re feeling.

If you are a parent, you’ve probably met your own demons this year, having to deal with the demands of raising a family and having a pandemic thrown in just in case you didn’t have enough going on. How are you managing? What races through your mind while you’re lying in bed, eyes wide open, at 3 in the morning? Are you experiencing heightened anxiety or depression?

Most significantly for your son, what are you saying about all of this?

If you’re not doing the ‘everything’s coming up roses’ thing, that’s good. Trying times are best dealt with honestly, rather than putting on a happy face even when you don’t feel like it. But if your son is only hearing about your worries and fears, perhaps it’s time to share the helpful strategies you use for dealing with them.

And if you aren’t using any, now’s a good time to start.

First of all, be aware of projecting gloom into the future, which might sound like this: “COVID 19 is just the beginning. They say what’s coming down the pike will be a lot worse.” Or: “Kids are so behind in school. How will they ever catch up?” Or: “Now that I’m working remote, I feel far away, like I’ll lose my job any day now.” Indeed, you may believe all these things, but unless they come to pass, they’re just scary stories, invented to feed that insatiable anxious mind.

Mind your words, please. Our children need us to. At the age of 13, children want to be autonomous, and they want someone to be in charge. These opposing ‘wants’ create a breeding ground for uncertainty and fear, but they also offer an opportunity for growth.

True, we may find ourselves facing another pandemic in years to come. But does that portend a dark fate, or have we learned something about how resilient we humans can be? Yes, many kids have had a less-than-desirable school experience over the past 12 months. But could this gap in our children’s education possibly be a chance for them to get off the hamster wheel of pushing through? I mean, what’s the hurry? And have you ever lost a job? How often does that turn into something better?

These are not small issues. But a shift in perspective can turn setbacks into opportunities, while at the same time relieving suffering for everybody in your household.

I would also encourage you to give your son a device to use when he feels himself beginning to ruminate about death and destruction. This simple, 3-step ‘box breath’ is extremely powerful at calming down the nervous system. It’s quick, easy, portable, and nobody ever needs to know you’re doing it.
Here’s how it works:

• Take a slow, deep breath to the count of four.
• Hold the breath in, also to the count of four. (Stay relaxed while suspending the breath—not that puffy-cheeked, nose-holding thing kids do when going underwater. Rather, simply don’t breathe out for a moment.)
• Slowly release the breath to the count of four.

​Try it. Right now. You’ll be amazed how relaxed you feel. Your son may need to use this device 20 times an hour when he first begins, but over time, just thinking about the box breath will prompt his system to chill out.

And finally, keep in mind that although you might try to convince your son the world is NOT going to end, do we really know for sure what will happen next? Trying to control an outcome only offers temporary relief from anxiety. For a more sustained sense of wellbeing, one needs to come from a centered place, knowing deep down that no matter what, everything is as it should be.

People spend a lifetime trying to find that eternal nugget—through faith, centering practices, nature, and many other sources. Seekers always find. Share your own journey with your son, and perhaps you will discover in each other a companion to journey with—a hidden gem, buried deep inside these crazy times we’re living in.

Kristi is on vacation this week. 

ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you’re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn’t around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we’d love to hear from you! askmomyourquestion@gmail.com

Teaching a child to read? Learn about our online phonics program!
​
Read more ASK MOM advice.

THE PROBLEM: My daughter, who is now eight, was so easy I couldn’t wait to have another. As a baby, she had a smile for everyone. She’s the kind of kid who will busy herself with a coloring book in a restaurant, and she hardly ever puts up a fuss when I ask her to do something. But then, a year-and-a-half after she was born, we had Adam, who was unhappy from the beginning. He screamed a lot for the first two years, and still fights with me on EVERYTHING, even though he’s seven, old enough to know better. The problem is, I’ve finally admitted to myself that I love my daughter more than my son, which is about the worst thing I could do for both of them. I feel so ashamed, like I’m a terrible mother. Shouldn’t I love them both the same?

MARY SAYS: Aaahhhh, the blessing and the curse of an easy firstborn. When new parents have the kind of baby who coos at strangers, sleeps through the night, and naps on long trips, it’s tempting for the happy couple to believe they’re pretty good at this ‘parenting’ thing. It might even tip into judgy, especially when their friends pop out a screamer: “Just pat him on the back and he’ll go right back to sleep,” you say, or “Try a pacifier, that worked like a charm for us.”

Unwittingly, these two think they’re the ones who created such a model human being. And to a degree, they have. But then along comes baby number two, an alien who drops into your otherwise happy home. This one takes charge from the get-go, and you’re never quite sure how to please your new boss.

In other words, children are like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get.

What complicates the situation is that children often have personalities similar to one parent or the other. I am guessing your daughter’s temperament is like your own, which is why it’s been so easy to engage with her. Adam, however, sounds like he has a different personality type, one that may even remind you of someone you were never too crazy about. (Mom? Dad? Aunt Lil?)

But they are both yours, which is why you are concerned about your feelings toward Adam.

For starters, let's talk about the word ‘love.’ Love can’t be divided or split in two, it can’t be measured. Be assured, you have plenty of love inside of you for both of your children and all the other children in the world. Love is whole and complete, impossible to ‘parcel out’ to one more than another.

When you conclude you love your son more than your daughter, it’s more likely that Adam is triggering something inside of YOU you don’t like. Or that you’re triggered by. Or ashamed of.

And for Adam’s sake, it’s important you figure out what that ‘something’ is.
​
Using pen and paper, write down everything about Adam that drives you crazy. (Something about writing by hand helps to reveal the truths we are trying to get to.)

For example:

• Adam is impulsive.
• Adam is loud.
• Adam won’t listen.

Now it’s time for reflection, pen still in hand. Was there ever a time you were scolded or shamed for acting out? Talking too loud? Maybe your teachers complained that you never listened, talked too much, or couldn’t follow directions. Maybe the opposite was true, and you NEVER spoke up. Early on, perhaps Mom or Dad convinced you that what you had to say wasn’t worth hearing, and now you have this child who says whatever is on his mind as loud as he can. 

Try and recall when the original wound was inflicted, and you might understand why you react so strongly to Adam. Once you are able to identify these characteristics in yourself, you will see your son as a gift you’ve been graced with to help you embrace your own injured places, ones that have been hidden in shadow for too long.

If you do this, the healing can begin—for yourself, and for the beautiful boy who has been placed in your care.

KRISTI SAYS: The idea that we should love two people the same way only sets us up for failure. However, in parenting, it’s important to treat your children with the same amount of love and respect if you don’t want to breed resentment. Children pick up on our emotions and behaviors. They know when they aren’t the favored one, and this can lead them to behave in unlovable ways.

There are two separate issues at hand here, and both need to be addressed. One is how you feel, and the other is how you behave.

Let’s start with your feelings. It sounds like your daughter was one of those babies that most people can only dream about. Easy, compliant, and smiley. Your time with her peaceful disposition was cut short by Adam, who entered the world with needs you struggled to meet. You wanted to make him happy like your daughter, but he didn’t comply. On top of that, they were so close in age you were raising two babies together.

Adam just felt hard, which can lead to disappointment.

You’ve been holding onto that letdown for 7 years, and now you’re admitting to yourself you love her more. It sounds like you’re throwing in the towel and giving up on what could be a beautiful mother-son relationship. Comparing him to her and wondering why he can’t be more like his sister may be what’s at the crux of this issue.

It sounds like you LIKE your daughter more because she complies and listens to you. It also sounds like you LIKE your son less because he’s harder to manage. (Liking is not the same as loving, by the way.)

A few important things to understand:

1. Boys and girls are different. They have different temperaments, different personalities, and different needs. Boys tend to be more ‘rough and tumble,’ making them seem more aggressive.
2. Each child requires a unique approach to discipline. I’ve learned this important lesson with my three children. With two boys and one girl, I find myself continuing to learn and develop what works best for each of them. One responds well to a quick time out, another needs toys removed temporarily, and the third one needs time away from technology to correct behavior.
3. Boys develop differently than girls. Adam may not be as emotionally or mentally developed as your daughter was at his age. While you think “he should know better,” he still needs your continued guidance.

Now let’s talk about how you behave. Your response to your feelings is something you can control—and improve upon. Think about your recent interactions with your son. How many of them were positive? How many times did you praise him for doing the right thing? How many times did you tell him you love him this week? How many times did you do something special with him? Can you count the times you gave him a hug or showed him affection?

All children need to be shown love. They also need your time and attention. If your feelings toward your son are causing you to withhold love, then I would encourage you to work on this. If you are withholding love because your son isn’t doing what you think he should, then your love toward your children is conditional. Perhaps that was how you were raised, so it’s understandable, but it sounds like you want to do better.

If you want to improve your relationship with your son, start by treating him as a unique individual. He’s not the same person as your daughter, and it’s unfair for you to expect the same things from him.

Try carving out 30 minutes each day, just for him. Go to the park and kick a ball around or do a messy art project. Read him his favorite book for the millionth time.

Also, watch your words. Have you ever said: Why can’t you be more like your sister? or I can’t believe you did that again, or even When are you going to grow up? As parents, we say things out of frustration, but starting now, you’ll want to be more intentional about what you say to your son. Use your words to build him up, not tear him down. If you observe something positive, praise him for his efforts, no matter how small:

“I really liked how you built that tower with your blocks. It was so smart and creative.”

“I enjoyed playing at the park today. When do you want to do that again?”

“You’re doing a great job getting ready for bed. Thanks for putting your pajamas on so quickly.”

Correct his behavior when necessary, but don’t compare his behavior to his sister’s. Gently correct him if he’s disrespectful, give him natural consequences when he acts up, and understand that he needs a different approach than your daughter does.

If you change your behaviors, your feelings will eventually follow. You’ll discover one day that you don’t love your daughter more, you just love your children differently. The truth is, they are two exceptional, beautiful human beings who need to be loved by their mother in unique ways

ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we’d love to hear from you! askmomyourquestion@gmail.com

Read more ASK MOM advice in Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine.

Learn about our online phonics program.

My Daughter Repulses Other Kids
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine

THE PROBLEM: My daughter is desperate for a friend—even ONE friend would do—but every time another child pays attention to her (which is rare), my daughter does something to make herself as annoying as possible, like starting these odd clinging behaviors. And by clinging, I mean following kids around and talking nonsense. She might get stuck on a knock-knock joke, or a silly song, and most kids don’t know how to respond. She even reverts to baby talk when the other child ignores her. I’ve seen this happen before, but now her (third grade) teacher is bringing it to my attention, too. What really makes me sad is that my daughter is so sweet—and loyal—and would make a wonderful friend if she could only get through the awkward stage of getting to know somebody.

MARY SAYS: For whatever reason, some children are less adept at picking up on social cues, and your daughter might be one of them. While there may be other issues going on here (and I think it’s important you check into that possibility), there are some behavioral techniques you can share with your daughter to help her make friends more easily.

But first you need to put yourself in her shoes. While it’s obvious to you that she is intentionally turning off the exact people she wants to spend time with, she most likely doesn’t realize she’s doing it. To her, the other kids ‘speak’ a language she doesn’t understand, so she’s made up her own set of signals to use, like: Follow that kid.
​
Then what? She has no idea, but she knows she needs to do something. Thus, the knock-knock jokes and baby talk.

So please don’t point out to your child how she is bothering the other children. Right now, these annoying behaviors are all she has. Instead of encouraging her to give them up, offer her some more powerful tools and explain to her how much better they work.

Open your conversation with what she truly wants. Ask her how she feels about making a special friend, and if she’d like to come up with some ideas about how to do it. Describe in detail why she would make a wonderful friend for a very lucky person. (You describe your daughter as sweet and loyal. Who could ask for more?) Then, share with her a time when you felt awkward about meeting someone new, and tell her it can happen to anybody.

Next, let her in on the ‘secret’ to making friends that a lot of people don’t know. People love when you ask them questions! Tell her it can be tempting to talk only about yourself, but people feel good when you care enough to ask about them. This may be a tricky concept for a third-grader, which is why she'll need to practice with you.

Here are few questions to get her started:

What’s your favorite color? 
What do you like about school? (Or what DON’T you like about school, depending upon where your daughter is coming from.)
How has your life changed since the pandemic?
Do you have any brothers or sisters?
What’s your favorite food?
What’s the best book/movie you’ve ever read?

Once your daughter has chosen a few favorites, she’s ready to go deeper. She needs to learn to ask a second question about the same topic. For example, let’s say her new friend tells your daughter that ‘yellow’ is her favorite color. A second question could be, “Do you like bananas?”

The second question is harder because it can’t be memorized, so role playing with you is particularly important. Let your daughter play herself, and you be the new friend. Have her practice asking you the same few questions—many times. Each time, throw her a curve ball and help her think of a second question, based on your new answer. Stick with this until she can do it on her own.

Then switch. YOU be your daughter and let her be the friend. (She’ll love this!)

Learning a different way of relating to other people isn’t easy. But with enough practice, she’ll get more comfortable with it. She will also begin to exercise her ‘listening’ muscle, which is a critical part of relationships that many adults have yet to master.

KRISTI SAYS: I think making friends is harder for children in this generation. Some kids are so used to being in front of screens, let’s face it, they don’t know how to respond when real children want to interact with them. Add to that the hover-parenting culture and the prevalence of leveraging technology for “face-to-face” learning in the past year, and you have a recipe for social disaster. And at that age, kids have always been awkward.

At least, I was.

While I am quite the extrovert now, we moved every couple of years growing up and making friends was tricky. I’d get nervous and sometimes the only thing I could do was act silly. Not everyone liked that. I got rejected a lot. But sometimes kids would laugh about it and be silly with me, and it was wonderful.

As a mom, my heart breaks when my kids get rejected. My daughter (kindergarten) has the opposite problem to yours. She is very shy when she meets new kids. While I just want to jump in and introduce her to all the kids and get them to like her, I know I need to let her navigate these new surroundings in her way. She is learning to watch for opportunities to “be brave” and ask if she can play with others.

The problem is that when a new person is too bold, she gets intimidated by their strong personality. She gets fearful if the other child starts following her. It’s not that she doesn’t like the attention, she simply doesn’t realize the other child just wants a friend.

As a parent, I’ve had to sit down and talk about certain social cues to help her feel more comfortable. It’s my job to model these behaviors and to offer her ideas that can help her out. If I watch her struggle to say “hi” to a new person, all she might need is a gentle reminder that sometimes even a wave and a smile is a good start if she’s feeling too shy.
I also take time to tell her “great job” when I see her do something a little outside of her comfort zone to make a new friend.

Here are a few things that have helped us navigate the friend-making situation:

1. Visit with the same group of kids regularly. Sometimes strong personalities can be off-putting to kids, especially if they are shy like my daughter. By spending time with the same group of kids more than once, your daughter will get a better chance to connect with them and make a friend.
2. Get involved in something she can lead. It’s clear your daughter has some great leadership skills. There are programs like 4-H and Scouting that can help her use those skills and make new friends.
3. Let her play a new sport. Competitive team sports are excellent for development and also help kids make new friends more gradually.

Here are some other things you can try.

• Remind her that it takes time to make new friends and it may take a few tries.
• Teach her to listen and watch. She needs to listen to the other person and watch for cues. It’s great to talk, but good friends also listen and give their friends a chance to say something, too.
• Help her come up with 3-5 questions she could ask someone when she first meets them. Teach her to ask, then wait for a response. For instance, “What’s your favorite toy?” or “What do you like to do outside?”

There is nothing wrong with your daughter. She sounds amazing. The key is to help her learn how to take a different approach when trying to connect with someone new. Since she’s not shy, remind her that some kids are, and they might need time to warm up to her.

ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we’d love to hear from you!  

​* Learn about Mary's online phonics program! Teach Your Child to Read with my easy english program that is fun for your kids for kindergarten phonics!

askmomyourquestion@gmail.com

Learn about our online phonics program!
Read more ASK MOM advice.

Unless you remember what it’s like to be a child, you might have a hard time writing for one. Here’s what kids want hear about:

• The way you almost died when you found out your skirt was tucked up in your waistband in Mrs. Kramer’s fourth grade class
• How you felt when you went shopping for school clothes in August; the smell of the dressing room; the empty hangers on the floor; the excitement/fear of going into a grade you’ve been saying you’re in all summer
• The heartbreak of watching your best friend pass your seat to sit with someone else on the bus; that rubbery, gasoline smell; forest green seats; kids bouncing up and down (or slumped by the window) and yelling over the gunning of the engine

If your characters aren’t culled from the swirl of emotions you felt every time anything happened when you were a kid, your young readers might not stick with you.

Here’s some stuff they don’t want to read about:

• Waking up in the morning
• What the main character’s bedroom looks like
• Parents
• Teachers
• Morals/lectures​

​When you’re writing for kids, write for yourself. The person you outgrew years ago, but who’s still hanging out somewhere inside.

Writing for Kids is Like Therapy
Funny thing, when you really get into writing for kids, it kind of wakes you up. It’s as if that child is snoozing in there, hibernating under a blanket of all of the ‘shoulds’ that we tend to weigh ourselves down with when we get jobs, houses, and children.

You’ll know you’ve nailed that cafeteria scene when something inside you stirs as you type the final word. If you once sat on your bed with your ten-year old best friend whose mother just died—and you didn’t know what to say— you’ll know you’ve captured that awful day when your eyes blur as you watch the scene unfold on your screen.  

It’s a remembering that reaches inside of you and cleans you out. You begin to see the world through your little girl eyes again—in small glimpses, sure—but it’s there. You laugh when people walk into things. You might find yourself putting a quarter in a gum machine to get one of those big, stale gumballs. You might even pet the neighbor’s cat. 

And do make sure you have a real, modern-day kid read your stuff. Someone needs to check it for ‘language.’ You don’t want Beaver Cleaver narrating your story. But go too far on the edgy side, and you might be topping out of your age group. (Unless you’re writing YA, which pretty much has everything in it that adult books do.)

Maybe you're writing for yourself. If that’s the case, do whatever feels good and throw it in a drawer when you’re done!

​Learn about my phonics program for kids. Learn about Mary's online phonics program! Teach Your Child to Read with Mary's easy english program that is a fun way to learn kindergarten phonics for kids!