Award-winning column encouraging parents to tackle the hard stuff. by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero
Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine
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Son goes to new school, gets picked on
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero
THE PROBLEM: My 11 yo started going to a new school this week, and the other kids are giving him a hard time because he’s small. Or skinny. Or whatever. He’s trying to tough it out, but I hear him crying in bed at night. Nobody’s beating him up, they’re just making it clear in an immature way they don’t want to be friends with him. And he’s such a nice kid! We left a sweet neighborhood where the kids were all friends, so he’s doubly miserable, missing his old school. I need ideas!
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ASK MOM: Boy displays anti-social behavior when mom and dad divorce
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero
THE PROBLEM: My 4 yo son isn’t coping well with my husband’s and my divorce. Unfortunately, the months leading up to the separation were pretty tense; I’m ashamed to admit we fought a lot, even in front of our son. Now that we’re separated, things are calmer in our home, but I’ve got a lot of fear about finances and being on my own, which my son is picking up on. He’s shoving kids at school (he even bit one) and spends a lot of time in the ‘think-it-over’ chair. Sometimes, he’ll just go over to a table and sit under it by himself, and the teacher can’t coax him out. He’s also having night terrors, which I know is because of the situation he’s in. I’m working on changing the situation so I’m not as anxious, but what can I do to make things easier for him?
ASK MOM: Big sister puts little sister down, mom tired of it
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero Read more ASK MOM in Fredericksburg Parent & Family
THE PROBLEM: My older daughter (9) is constantly belittling the younger one (7). Believe it or not, they’re the best of friends. But the little one looks up to her big sister so much, she’s willing to put up with all the passive-aggressive snipes my older daughter sends her way. For example, she might say: “Too bad your hair looked so bad at Kelly’s party.” Or, “I was going to ask if you wanted to sleep in my room tonight, but I changed my mind.” I mean jeez, why did she have to even mention it? My younger one gets so dejected when her older sister does this, but still, they hang out with each other a lot, so I don’t often interfere. Now I’m wondering…should I?
ASK MOM: Guilty mom worries she's lost interest in her own son
By Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero Read more ASK MOM in Fredericksburg Parent & Family
THE PROBLEM: I feel like I’m having a weird reaction to my 4 yo son, ever since our daughter was born. Please don’t judge me for this, but I feel so uninterested in doing anything with him. We were all so excited about this baby—including my son—but now, the only thing that makes me happy is doing ‘baby things.’ Believe me, I’m doing everything I can to try and play with my older kid: building Legos with him, reading books, talking to him about his day in preschool, but I’m just not interested in his stuff. Truthfully, it scares me. Do I love him less now that the baby is here? I can’t share this with anyone, since they’ll think I’m a horrible mom, which is pretty much how I’m feeling about myself. Even though I continue to go through the motions, I think my son senses how I feel. How can I reengage with my son in a way that shows him I want to be with him?
 Daughter doesn't like new stepmom, dad at wits' end by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero Read more ASK MOM in Fredericksburg Parent & Family THE PROBLEM: I’m concerned about my 13 yo daughter and my new wife (not her mom). My daughter doesn’t like her stepmom at all, and it’s creating a lot of tension in our home. My wife is trying hard to engage with her, but my daughter won’t have any of it. I’ve been divorced from her mom ever since she was little, so it’s not like we’re disrupting her routine or anything. (Well, maybe a little, but we haven’t moved, she goes to the same school, and she still stays with her mom half time.) I’ve laid down the law about how my daughter is allowed to treat my wife (only with respect, even if she doesn’t feel like it), but that’s gone over like a lead balloon. My daughter is downright rude to her. Any ideas?
 ASK MOM: Boy is jealous of baby brother, breaks mom’s heart by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero Read more ASK MOM in Fredericksburg Parent & Family THE PROBLEM: My 9 yo son is jealous of his new baby brother, who is only a month old. I know this is common, but I’m worried about him, and I don’t know what to do. He’s a sweet, sensitive boy, and ever since the baby was born, he’s become somewhat angry, saying mean things about his brother, things like: “He can’t come in my room—ever.” The other day he told me he “hated me,” which about broke my heart. (He would never have said anything like that before.) I had high hopes that these two would love each other for life, and now I can’t see that happening.
ASK MOM: Daughter has no direction in life, mom has fears about it
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero Read more ASK MOM in Fredericksburg Parent & Family
THE PROBLEM: I’m very worried about my 17-year-old daughter. She’s graduating from high school next year and has no plans. While I know there’s still a year for her to figure this out, she’s entirely unmotivated. She doesn’t want to go to college, and although she’s had a few jobs in high school, they haven’t worked out for her. (She says she doesn’t like working and dreads having to support herself.) This is a time in life that should be exciting and full of opportunity for her, but all she wants to do is watch episodes of her favorite shows and go out with friends. Even her friend group is dwindling, since the other kids have developed interests and are looking forward to the next stage in life.
Sensitive Daughter Goes into a Funk
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero Read more ASK MOM in Fredericksburg Parent & Family
THE PROBLEM: My 12 yo daughter is soooo sensitive. She takes everything personally and is easily defeated. Last week she got a C on a math test and has now decided she's 'no good in math,' which isn't even remotely true. And when she tries out for something and doesn't make it, she's in a funk for weeks. Every obstacle seems to see her back and lower her self-esteem. Sometimes, I think she's looking for obstacles so she doesn't have to push herself through hard things. I try to be her cheerleader, but that only seems to annoy her, like: "Of course you're going to say that. You're my mom." And yet, she keeps trying to get me to see her (gloomy) side of things. I don't know how to get her out of this.
 Toddler Says 'No,' Mom Tired of the Battle by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero Read more ASK MOM on Fredericksburg Parent & Family THE PROBLEM: My toddler says ‘no’ to everything! Even if it’s something she usually likes. I know this is normal, but I keep finding myself in a battle with her, which feels ridiculous. Shouldn’t I be the boss, here? I mean, I’m always tuned in to what she likes and doesn’t like, so it’s not like I’m not listening to her or trying to give her what she needs. I’m not sure what more I can do, but I feel like we’re in an unhealthy pattern here. Me telling her to do something, and her saying ‘no.’
ASK MOM: Mom Annoyed When Dad Makes Daughter 'Show Off'
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero Read more ASK MOM on Fredericksburg Parent & Family
THE PROBLEM: I have to start by saying my husband’s an amazing dad to our 4 yo daughter. But he does something that really irks me, and I don’t think it’s good for my daughter, either, even though she loves it. Whenever she learns something new, or draws a picture, or makes her bed, my husband tells her to ‘show’ somebody. “Show grandma the new dance you learned at school.” “Show Auntie Grace how you can count to ten.” “Show Mom (that’s me!) you can put your shoes on by yourself!” I’ve asked him not to do this, but he disagrees with me. He thinks it helps build her self-esteem. I think it’s turning her into a performing puppet, and I don’t like it. Am I right on this? And if so, how do I convince my husband to stop it?
 ASK MOM: Son Born with Down Syndrome and Mom's Not Coping
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero Read more ASK MOM on Fredericksburg Parent & Family THE PROBLEM: I knew before my son was born he had Down syndrome, and I thought I was ready for it. Now that he’s 3 months old, I realize I wasn’t prepared at all. He doesn’t do anything that other babies do at this age, and it makes me feel sick inside. (I know, I know. Don’t compare. But I can’t help it!) The hospital put me in touch with a group of other moms who have children with Down syndrome, and they all seem to be coping well, like they’re grateful their kids are the way they are. I keep trying to put on a good face, but (and this is hard to admit) I can’t seem to love him the way these other moms love their children. The very worst part is looking into my son’s eyes. I see so much love in them, and he deserves to see that kind of love in my eyes, too. Please don’t judge me for this. I’m trying to change, but I need help. 
Dad Loses Temper a Lot, Feels Guilty
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero Read more ASK MOM on Fredericksburg Parent & Family
THE PROBLEM: Being a dad is hard for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids (I’ve got 3), but I don’t always know how to talk to them—or play with them. When they’re all together, I usually end up getting annoyed (OK, sometimes yelling), because they act so immature. But they are immature—they’re 3, 7, and 9. I can’t expect them to act like adults, can I? Mostly I think there’s something wrong with ME, wondering why I can’t be more patient and just enjoy them. When I look at them at night after they fall asleep my heart wants to explode. Both because they’re so precious to me and because I probably lost my temper at least once during the day. How can I be a different kind of dad?
Teenage Daughter Fears the Worst, Would Rather be 'Right' than Happy
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero Read more ASK MOM on Fredericksburg Parent & Family
THE PROBLEM: My 14 yo daughter has an overactive imagination (which I really do love), but it often gets her in trouble. I wish I had a nickel for every time she says: “I’m sure Bridget isn’t going to invite me to her party,” or “I bet Harriet is mad at me for not staying after school to work on the float.” She even thinks her teachers are “probably” not going to like her essay or downgrade her for not speaking up enough in class. And yet, the stuff she predicts almost never happens! And when it does, she can hardly wait to say “I told you so.” It’s almost like she’s created an imaginary world where everything and everybody is against her. As many times as I’ve pointed this out, she says: “I’d rather be realistic than set myself up for disappointment.” Twisted logic to me, but I don’t know how to help her out of it.
ASK MOM: Mom hurt when son’s friends leave him out
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero Read more ASK MOM on Fredericksburg Parent & Family
THE PROBLEM: My twelve-year-old son is part of a group of four (sometimes five) boys who hang out after school. He calls them his best friends, but they often leave him out of things. If they’re going to the park to play soccer, for example, they all make plans with each other, and only invite him if he finds out (and asks). When they’re walking down the street as a group, my son always seems to be trailing behind. I honestly believe that if he got lost or something, they wouldn’t even notice he was missing! I get so angry at these kids for acting indifferent to my son, but he doesn’t seem to notice. I want to talk to him about it—feeling more confident, finding new kids to hang out with, etc.—but I don’t want to bring it to his attention if he really doesn’t get it. I’m a little stuck on this.
Oldest Daughter Leaving for College, Mom Grieving Already
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero Read more ASK MOM on Fredericksburg Parent & Family THE PROBLEM: My oldest daughter is leaving for college next year, and truth be told, I’ve been sad about it since she was in tenth grade. I know this isn’t healthy, but she’s the light of my life, and everything will change once she’s gone. I have two other children that I love just as much, so the thought of ALL of them eventually leaving is practically making me sick! My husband seems to be taking it all in stride, so I guess it’s a mom thing. I wish I could feel better about it, since that’s what kids are supposed to do. Leave, right? 
Self-absorbed children embarrass mom
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero Read more ASK MOM on Fredericksburg Parent & Family
THE PROBLEM: I’m a little frustrated that my kids all seem to be pretty self-absorbed. It’s not that they’re not kind to others (they are!), it’s just that they all seem to be interested in only talking about themselves. I’ve got three kids ages eight to thirteen, and I notice when they’re together they don’t seem particularly interested in each other’s stories. It’s even worse when they’re with friends; all the kids butt in, telling their own stories and not listening to anybody else’s. Sometimes it’s a little embarrassing. I took my 13 yo to help with a volunteer project, and while she was packing cans of food into bags, she talked nonstop about herself: her school, her friends, her likes and dislikes. She’s a sweet kid and I don’t want to shame her by pointing this out, but I’m starting to wonder if somebody needs to, and if that ‘somebody’ should be me.
Daughter Favors Dad, Mom Resents It
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero Read more ASK MOM on Fredericksburg Parent & Family
THE PROBLEM: My 3 yo daughter likes her father better than me. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but sometimes it makes me angry. I do most of the nurturing around here (feeding, bathing, getting her to bed), then my husband swoops in and does the fun stuff. I’m a mom at home, and my husband works really hard, so I don’t want to burden him with doing more than he already is. (He’s great about helping whenever I ask him to.) Besides, I’m not mad at him! I’m feeling resentment toward my daughter when the three of us are together (say, at a family get together), and she cries for my husband when I’m the one holding her. I really want to address this. I mean, how can I possibly have resentment toward a 3-year-old?
Son bored unless he's in front of a screen, mom sad about it
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero Read more ASK MOM on Fredericksburg Parent & Family
THE PROBLEM: I worry about my (8 yo) son and his addiction to screens. Even though ‘addiction’ is my word, I’m scared that it’s really what I’m seeing. He’s totally restless unless he’s playing a video game or watching TV. I often make him do something else—Legos, drawing, reading etc.—and he’s sweet and agreeable about going along with it. He just doesn’t seem to enjoy these other activities, which makes me sad. I feel like he’s not going to have fond memories of his childhood, because the only thing he really loves to do with a passion is whatever’s online or on TV. I’d appreciate any ideas.
Daughter Depends Too Much on Mom
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero Read more ASK MOM on Fredericksburg Parent & Family
THE PROBLEM: My 8 yo daughter has a habit of running everything through me. She tells me every little thing about herself. (My nose was runny on the bus, my teacher called on me twice, my elbow hurt when I threw the ball at recess.) She also looks to me to affirm her opinions. If someone asks her how she likes a particular movie, she’ll glance my way, as if she’s checking to see what I thought about it first. The worst is when she follows me around the house, telling me everything she’s thinking. It totally gets on my nerves! I usually just give her quick responses, but sometimes I snap and say something like: “Figure it out yourself!” I know I’m her mom, so I hate to hurt her feelings like this, but I’m only human. How can I get her to break the habit?
ASK MOM: Son pits dad against mom, tries to get friends to ‘take sides’
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero Read more ASK MOM on Fredericksburg Parent & Family
THE PROBLEM: My middle son (he's 9) has a habit of ‘playing both ends against the middle.’ What I mean is, he tries to get people on his side. Like, when I tell him he can’t do something, he’ll go tell his dad I said ‘no.’ Sometimes, his dad supports my decision, but other times, I get an earful from my husband about why I should say ‘yes.’ My husband will even overturn my decision on occasion, which I feel undermines my authority. We were in the car the other day and my son asked if he could play video games and I said: “Not now. Why don’t you look at the beautiful fall leaves for a while?” Then my son said: “Dad, can I?” And my husband said “Sure.” I know this is a parenting issue between us, but I see my son telling one friend what another said or trying to get one sibling to gang up with him against the other, so it’s not just with us. Any ideas?
"Bad Mom" Suffers Extreme Mom Guilt
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero Read more ASK MOM on Fredericksburg Parent & Family
THE PROBLEM: I feel like a bad mom. I can never keep up with things—school lunches, laundry, getting dinner on the table—all the normal stuff I should be able to take care of. To look at my household, you would think I had a bunch of kids, but I only have three (twelve, nine, and six). And to top everything off, they’re squabbling all the time, so there’s always a bit of chaos in my home. My neighbor has eight children, and her house runs like a top. My husband works and I stay home with the kids, so I know I SHOULD be able to get everything done. My mom says I should have the kids help out more (and she’s right), but it’s always a battle to get them to do anything, and I don’t have time to fool with it. What’s wrong with me?
Mom Worries About Sensitive Son, Thinks He's Too Fragile
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero Read more ASK MOM on Fredericksburg Parent & Family
THE PROBLEM: My (9 yo) son is extremely sensitive, which is one of the things I love about him. He always considers other people’s feelings and never wants to see anyone get hurt. He’s so sweet! But sometimes, I think he’s toosensitive, bordering on fragile. Every time something happens to somebody (or an animal), he gets so upset. He’s like that about himself, too. If someone says something unkind to him (which doesn’t happen often), his eyes fill with tears. He’s always been like this, but it’s gotten heavier for him as he’s gotten older and more aware of all the terrible things going on in the world. How can I help him become less susceptible to other people’s struggles without breaking his spirit?
Kid Upset by Change, Frustrated Mom Tired of Tantrums
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero Read more ASK MOM on Fredericksburg Parent & Family THE PROBLEM: My child gets upset when his routine is disrupted. That was okay when he was little, since his dad and I had a lot of control over how his day would go. But now he’s 11, and he still throws a fit every time we have to do something unexpected, like take him to the doctor or make a quick trip to the grocery store. We both work from home, so we’re able to work around him and take turns doing things we need to get done. And yes, we do everything in our power to give him advance notice of activities, but that’s not always possible. Plus, we have no control over his school day. I’m losing patience here! 
Depressed Teen Tries Out for School Play and Doesn't Make It
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero Read more ASK MOM advice.
THE PROBLEM: My 14 yo son has struggled with depression since he was 9, and for whatever reason, nothing seems to work out for him. He tried out for the school play and didn’t make it, which has put him in a pretty dark mood; it was something he was actually excited about. It’s hard for him to make friends, and he’s not a real joiner, so he’s by himself a lot. His dad does stuff with him all the time (he’s a wonderful father), but a kid needs to be with his peers, too. I have to admit, I’m sad most of the time these days, thinking about how hard things are for him. I guess one good thing is that he feels he can talk to me and my husband, but we don’t always know what to tell him. And yes, he’s in counseling.
Mom obsessively worries about her kids, can't get comfortable
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero Read more ASK MOM advice. THE PROBLEM: I’m always worried about my children. I have four of them, so I’ve got plenty to worry about. I keep expecting to get a phone call from the school, telling me something bad has happened, or imagining one of them riding their bike and getting hit by a car. I can never really relax. My oldest was very sick as a baby so we spent a lot of time at the hospital. Every time we drove up to the building, I would get all sweaty and nervous. He’s doing okay now, but I can’t seem to get over it, and it’s playing out through this chronic worry I have about all my kids. (At least I’ve figured that out!) Suggestions on how to change this are welcome. |
ASK MOM wins parenting media association award!
ABOUT MARY FOLLINMary is the author of TEACH YOUR CHILD TO READ and ETHYR, winner of the Moonbeam Children's Book Award and the Gertrude Warner Book Award. She is mom to two grown sons and enjoys sharing her more seasoned perspective with parents of younger children.
ABOUT Erika GuerreroErika Guerrero is a freelance hair and makeup artist, Erika K. Beauty, single-mama to one amazing boy, and author of She’s Not Shaken, a blog offering hope and encouragement to women in all walks of life.
ABOUT Suzanne JohnsonSuzanne Johnson, mother of five children and grandmother of eight, is an illustrator, book cover designer, and author of the Realms of Edenocht series.
ETHYR
M.P. Follin Gertrude Warner Book Award Moonbeam Children's Book Award An adventure for kids ages 8-12— especially if they like video games! ASK MOM Archives
August 2023
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