Impulsive daughter can’t stop hurting other children’s feelings
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero
Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family
THE PROBLEM: My seven-year-old daughter has a bad habit of blurting out inappropriate things. She’ll say stuff like: “Johnny doesn’t like you,” or “We don’t want to play with you.” I know these comments sound mean (and they are!), but she’s not a bully. She’s actually a very caring little girl. It’s just that there are times she can’t help saying what’s on her mind at the moment. When she does this, she always regrets it later. She has a sweet group of friends, and they are consistently surprised at the things she says. She even asked me once why she couldn’t stop herself. I suggested she try and think before she speaks, but she doesn’t seem to be able to remember to. Any ideas?

Son Turning into Hypochondriac
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine

​THE PROBLEM: Ever since the pandemic started, my 11-year old son ‘catches’ everything he reads about. He gets stomachaches, headaches, sore throats—any symptom he can think of. And each time, he’s sure it’s something deadly. He sings ‘Happy Birthday’ when he washes his hands, sometimes twice, just to make sure. (I even suggested he sing a different song to help him ease up on the compulsion, but he won’t.) I’m scared he’s becoming a hypochondriac. He can’t seem to stop thinking about his health. I keep telling him he’s fine, but that doesn’t work. I need ideas!

Son gets left out at recess, breaks mom's heart.
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero
Read in Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine ​

THE PROBLEM: My fifth-grade son is having a hard time making friends this year. He had two good friends in his class in third grade, but they lost touch during the pandemic. Unfortunately, neither of the two boys returned to his school this year, so he’s starting all over again, which isn’t easy for him. He’s actually a good friend. Once he has a friend or two, he’s happy, and his friends seem to like him. It’s just that finding a new friend is hard for him. The other day I was driving by the school when the kids were out at recess, and my son was wandering around by himself, watching a couple of groups, but not joining in. I wish I didn’t feel so bad about it, but I do. I had a couple of ‘lonely’ years as a kid, and I hate watching him go through it. 

Spoiled daughter turns nose up at gifts, makes mom feel bad in front of family

by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero
Read in Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine
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THE PROBLEM: After this gift-giving season, I can see I need to do something about my daughter’s attitude toward gifts (she’s 4). Every time she opened a gift, she tossed it aside, looking for the next one, unless it was over-the-top spectacular, like the princess playhouse she got. Telling her to say ‘thank you’ felt perfunctory, like a chore. I felt awful when she expressed disappointment, especially when the giver was sitting right there. Telling her to feel differently didn’t work. She just said something nicer, prompted by me. It was sort of a joke at our family gathering that my daughter actually ‘liked’ something she got from them. I appreciate my siblings all having a sense of humor about it, but I don’t know how to encourage my daughter to feel differently.

My Daughter Repulses Other Kids
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine

THE PROBLEM: My daughter is desperate for a friend—even ONE friend would do—but every time another child pays attention to her (which is rare), my daughter does something to make herself as annoying as possible, like starting these odd clinging behaviors. And by clinging, I mean following kids around and talking nonsense. She might get stuck on a knock-knock joke, or a silly song, and most kids don’t know how to respond. She even reverts to baby talk when the other child ignores her. I’ve seen this happen before, but now her (third grade) teacher is bringing it to my attention, too. What really makes me sad is that my daughter is so sweet—and loyal—and would make a wonderful friend if she could only get through the awkward stage of getting to know somebody.

Daughter assumes the worst, turning into negative person
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero

THE PROBLEM: I am worried about my daughter (15 yo), who always expects the worst. She has a long list of things she’s sure isn’t going to happen, like getting invited to a party, doing well on a test, making the team. The thing is, these things do usually happen for her, she just doesn’t seem to remember it the next time around. She says she likes to “keep her expectations low so she doesn’t end up disappointed.” I heard her tell one of her friends that “the new teachers are probably all going to be bad this year because there’s a shortage of teachers.” I’m pretty sure she made that up! I’m not sure how to help her see this because she’s doing well in school, has lots of friends, and seems to have a pretty good self-esteem. Nothing is really wrong, it just makes me sad, watching her turn into a pessimist. 

Read in Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine

THE PROBLEM: I’m a little afraid of my five-year-old son. Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration, but whenever I need to tell him he can’t do something, he gets extremely agitated, to the point where he’s red in the face. And he gets soooo angry at me! Too often, I give in. When I’m honest with myself, I realize I’m being overindulgent, but I can’t stand when he has these meltdowns. I feel like I’m walking on thin ice all the time. (Btw, It’s worse with me. My husband is better at being firm.) I know the obvious solution is to not give in so much, but I don’t seem to be able to do that. I hate to see him so unhappy.

Son doesn’t like change, throws fits when getting hair cut
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero

THE PROBLEM: My 7-year-old son can’t stand change. I’m not talking about moving to a new school, it’s more like him throwing a fit when he has to run an errand with me, leave a friend’s house, or even get a haircut. To everybody else, it looks like he’s unhappy all the time, but he’s not. He just has trouble adjusting to something new. And when he does experience bigger transitions, like getting a new teacher or a friend moves away, he becomes very fearful and hammers me with questions: “Why do I need a new teacher? Is my old teacher ever coming back? What if I don’t like the new teacher? What if she hates me?” Lately he’s begun biting his nails until they bleed and will even go to bed in the middle of the day when he’s confronted with something he’s unfamiliar with. Other than that, he’s fine! He’s a good student and has a lot of friends. It just seems to be this one thing.

Helicopter Mom Feels Sick About It
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero
Read more ASK MOM advice on Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine.

THE PROBLEM: I’m looking for help with the anxiety I have about my children. I have two, ages 5 and 9, and when I recently read an article about being a ‘helicopter mom,’ I felt sick. I check all the boxes. I can’t stop telling my kids what to do so they can get an advantage (e.g., talk to your teachers after school so they like you), I’m constantly warning them to avoid anything that has risk involved, and I feel uncomfortable if I don’t know what their homework is every day. (I always check to make sure they do it, even if I have to push, prod, and—I’m ashamed to admit it—do some of it for them.) These are just examples, but my husband will tell you, it’s constant. The only time I don’t feel slightly on edge is when I hear good news about one of my kids. I know it’s unhealthy, but how do I get out of it?

by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero
Read More ASK MOM advice in Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine​ ​ ​ ​
THE PROBLEM: Whenever I say anything to my 11-year-old daughter, she either ignores me or rolls her eyes. I would never have done this to my mother, especially when I was that young, and I’m astounded my daughter is doing it to me. She resists practically everything I say, even if it’s obviously true. I hardly dare share an opinion with her, for fear of getting one of her looks. It’s bad enough at home, but it gets pretty embarrassing in front of other moms, my friends, and people I don’t even know. I’m sad to say this, but my own feelings of self-worth are low, mostly because of how my daughter treats me. Any ideas would be appreciated.

Son has head in the clouds, steps into street
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero
Read More ASK MOM advice in Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine​ ​ ​ ​

THE PROBLEM: My son can’t get his head out of the clouds. (He’s 9.) He has a wonderful imagination and is always dreaming up big ideas, which is not the problem. I actually love that about him, and I tell him all the time. But so often, he seems far away. When he’s working on something, you can tell he’s daydreaming about something else. Like when I ask him to help around the house, he says ‘Sure!’. But then it takes him an hour to do something simple, like taking out the recycling. The worst is when he puts himself in danger, like when he doesn’t realize he’s stepping into a street. I know I need to help him with this, but I don’t know how.

Daughter Snubs Old Friends 
by Mary Follin and Erika Guerrero
Read More ASK MOM advice in Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine​ ​ ​ ​

​THE PROBLEM: Lately I’ve been alarmed at my daughter’s behavior toward three girls she’s been friends with for years. They are all now in fifth grade, and one of the more ‘popular’ girls in the class has started including my daughter in her group. It’s a tight-knit group, and apparently ‘too sophisticated’ for my daughter’s old friends, at least, that’s what my daughter says. It makes me so mad to hear her talk like that! I hate to see how much she is hurting her old friends, and I have to say, I’m surprised my daughter is acting like such a snob. 

Mom Friend Too Judgmental
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read More ASK MOM advice in Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine​ ​ ​

​THE PROBLEM: It’s always been hard for me to make mom friends, and I finally got one. At first, I felt like we were kindred spirits. We worry about the same things and have the same sense of humor. But then, I began noticing that she always talks about other moms at the school and especially about their kids. Stuff like, “I can’t believe so-and-so tells her kid to call me by my first name,” and “Did you notice how so-and-so always wears yoga pants so everybody can see how skinny she is?” I’m not really into talking about other people like that, and it makes me uncomfortable. But I don’t want to lose a friend now that I finally found one.

Son Upset When Routine is Disrupted
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read More ASK MOM advice in Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine​ ​
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THE PROBLEM: When my son was a baby, we kept him on a tight schedule—naps, feedings, visits etc.—and he seemed to do very well. But now that he’s six (almost seven), he is still wants everything to happen a certain way—get up at the same time, eat the same breakfast, brush his teeth (toothbrush has to be green), and walk the same way to the bus stop, even though there are lots of ways to get there. I wouldn’t be so concerned except that he gets anxious when we disrupt his routine, which is a problem because there are a lot of things we can’t control. He’s always asking: “What are we doing next?” so he can prepare by adding it to his schedule. We’ve had him tested for any psychological issues, and he apparently falls within the norm. It just doesn’t seem normal to me.

Am I Raising a Bully?
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read More ASK MOM advice in Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine​ ​

THE PROBLEM: My oldest son (11 yo) is mean to his younger brother and sister. He calls each of them a derogatory nickname and constantly makes fun of them. He even shoves them a little when he walks by them, and it breaks my heart to see the two younger ones cut a wide swathe when they pass him in the hall or on the stairs. I am really, really scared about this. I don’t know where he learned that this kind of behavior was okay, but now that he’s older (and bigger), it’s gotten even worse. My husband gets angry and yells at him, but I try and ask him nicely to be kinder. I’m worried about him. He seems so angry and spends a lot of time in his room, alone.

MARY SAYS: While everyone in your household sounds as though they’re walking on eggshells around your son, I would suggest that he is the one who is the most unhappy about it. His behavior points to depression or something else that needs a professional checkup. Please seek counseling for this situation immediately.

Child Desperate Not to Go Back to School
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read More ASK MOM advice in Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine​
​THE PROBLEM: My 9-year-old son has always hated going to school. He’s awkward in a group, and he pretty much keeps to himself when he can. He LOVED the pandemic. I don’t mean to sound dismissive, but when I heard about kids getting depressed because they couldn’t go to school, I couldn’t help but think how much I would love my kid to feel that way. He was thrilled to stay home, glued to his laptop all day. He’s an outstanding student, and he really excelled in an online learning environment. He’s just so introverted around other kids, and he keeps begging me to let him go to online school permanently. I’m not quite sure what to do, except I feel strongly he needs to go to school so he can learn to be around other kids.

MARY SAYS: Your son has spent the last 18 months experiencing a new way to live. He’s been working largely on his own and doesn’t have to get out of bed every morning before dark. He’s had no commute, doesn’t need to worry if he’s dressed ‘cool’ enough, can socialize when he wants to, and stay home when he doesn’t. He’s got no interest in going back to the way things used to be

My Child is a Slob
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read More ASK MOM advice in Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine​
THE PROBLEM: I am worried about my daughter’s ability to organize herself. She leaves a trail wherever she goes, and her room is a mess. It drives me crazy! She’s 13 and on medication for ADHD, but I still think she could do better. It’s one thing to be like this at home, but she’s all over the place at school, too. (Late getting there, late homework assignments, messy locker, etc.) I admit I nag her too much, but I’m not sure what else to do. Sometimes I clean up after her, but she gets mad when I do. To be honest, I resent it, too. 

MARY SAYS: From a 30,000 foot view, the young lady you’ve described here sounds like a pretty typical teen. Adolescent bodies change at a rapid rate and something’s got to give. Keep in mind your daughter is navigating her teen years with a wildcard thrown in—ADHD. The energy it takes to manage raging hormones—and their evil twin, roller coaster emotions—leaves few reserves for cleaning one’s room or organizing school notebooks with a different colored tab for each subject.

Daughter is Mean to Her Friends
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson

​THE PROBLEM: I’m worried about my daughter and how she treats her friends. (She’s 11.) When they tell her something about themselves, she tries to make it seem less-than-spectacular. Like, when her friend Megan won a prize at school, my daughter said, “I heard they just gave it to someone to help with their self-esteem.” Or when her long-time friend, Sylvie, got a new haircut, my daughter told her she might like it better when it grows out. Her comments aren’t totally mean, and sometimes her friends don’t see what she’s doing. But I do, and I don’t like it. Ideas would be appreciated.

THE PROBLEM: Everybody else seems to be better at “momming” than me. They all volunteer at the school, their kids always look so clean and neat, and when the pandemic hit, somehow, they all figured out how to do the online school thing. I know, I know, it’s not EVERYBODY. But a lot of them. One thing I liked about the pandemic was that I didn’t have to talk to other parents. Every time I do, I walk away thinking they were insinuating something about me. I’ve got 3 kids and 2 jobs, and my husband is out of work. I hate that I can’t create an ideal childhood for my kids, because I love them so much. But everybody else seems to manage. What’s wrong with me?

ASK MOM: My Son is Rude to Me
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read More ASK MOM advice in Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine​

​THE PROBLEM: I’ve gotten into this weird dynamic with my kid. The bottom line is, he’s rude to me and I can’t do anything about it. Even though he’s only 9, he acts like he’s 16. When I tell him to put something away, he’ll say “You do it.” If I ask him to help me with something, he’ll say, “Do I have to?” (Of course I say YES.) I’ll ask him if he wants something to eat and he’ll just ignore me. Believe me, I tell him EVERY TIME his behavior isn’t acceptable (and why), but nothing changes. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but the way he treats me is making me feel bad about myself, even though I’m supposed to be the one in charge. Any ideas?

Daughter Too Shy to Speak Up
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine ​

THE PROBLEM: I am worried about my 6-year old daughter who always ‘hangs back’ whenever other kids are in the room. When someone brings a new game or toy on the scene, the other kids pounce on it, but my daughter steps away and starts twirling her hair. I’m worried she’s not assertive enough. Sometimes I think she’s just letting other kids go first, rather than pushing her way in. She also hesitates to answer questions, even simple ones, like “how old are you”? I’m not saying this is a big deal, but I wonder if there are techniques I can use to help her to ‘jump in’ more easily.

Is My Kid Faking It?
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine ​

THE PROBLEM: I’m beginning to worry about how often my son misrepresents things (he’s 9). I don’t mean he outright lies, but he’ll have these full-blown excuses about why he can’t do something, and I can’t tell if it’s real or not. The worst is when he gets ‘sick.’ He gets stomachaches, headaches, earaches—anything to get out of going to school, especially when they started going back in after a year of online. He’ll look miserable, but he gets a whole lot better as soon as I let him stay home. And of course, he COULD actually be sick, but I can’t tell when it’s real and when it isn’t. I’m getting this with homework (teacher never assigned it), low test scores (test was stuff the teacher didn’t cover), and other things. My husband gets mad at him when he starts making excuses, but I keep finding myself trying to believe him. I’m not sure where to go from here. 

Terrified of Kids Online
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine
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THE PROBLEM: There are some kids (boys and girls) who are picking on my daughter, mostly online. I’m physically sick about it. I know this is supposed to be about my daughter, but I don’t know how to deal with the situation. It’s like these otherwise decent kids have turned into one big monster. I’m terrified of them, and I’m the grownup! Needless to say, my daughter is devastated. Her pain is beyond what I can describe. They’ve given her a code name so they can talk freely about her and act like it’s not a real person. The worst part is, it all started when my daughter didn’t text another girl back for a couple of days, and the girl decided to cut her off. For this minor infraction—my daughter didn’t even see the text—she’s now going to have scars for the rest of her life. I need some ideas but I don’t know where to turn.

My Son Can't Control Himself
Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine

by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson

THE PROBLEM: Since my son was little, he’s had a tendency to blurt things out and randomly do odd things. I thought he would outgrow it, but he’s in fourth grade and nothing has changed. It’s like he doesn’t have any filters, where he can take a moment before doing something and consider how people will react. For example, his class was having a little celebration, so they were all wearing hats they made. As soon as he put his on, he stepped in the trash can and started neighing like a horse. (I get embarrassed even writing this.) He has friends, so it’s not like he’s ostracized or anything, but I’m afraid this kind of behavior could backfire on him at any moment. I wish I knew how to help him control himself better.

Am I Raising a Narcissist?
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine

THE PROBLEM: I have recently learned that one of my friends is a narcissist (as diagnosed by a clinician), so I have been doing a lot of reading about the disorder. I am discovering that my daughter demonstrates some of the characteristics of narcissism, like being unkind to other kids, talking about herself all the time, and not appearing to feel remorse when she does something wrong. One example of how mean she can be is that she didn’t want to invite a little boy in her class to her birthday party because he ‘smells funny.’ I made her invite him anyway, but I don’t think the boy had a good time, since my daughter managed to show her displeasure by hardly talking to him at all. She’s only 6, but if she does have narcissistic tendencies, I want to get on it right away.

MARY SAYS: Many therapists agree that 6 years of age is too young for a child to actually be a narcissist. In fact, a certain amount of egocentricity is healthy at this age; children need to figure out who they are and how they fit in. As parents, it’s our job to guide our innately self-centered children into grownups who naturally feel compassion and empathy toward others. You’re doing the right thing by addressing these issues now, rather than waiting until your daughter is a tween or a teen, when she could conceivably cause more harm to others.

After all, you don’t want your daughter to be the ‘mean girl.’

From what you describe, it sounds as though your daughter may be struggling with some serious issues. Does she act like she’s better than other children? Does she feel entitled to get whatever she wants? Does she expect excessive praise, regardless of her performance? Is she often jealous? Does she lack the ability to imagine what others might be feeling? If your answer to any of these questions is ‘yes,’ your daughter (and your family) may be in for a bumpy road ahead, and change will only happen if you go first.

Often times, when a child demonstrates disturbing characteristics such as these, he or she has managed to take control over the parent-child relationship. Whether your child was simply born headstrong (and you’re not), or she’s learned these behaviors from somebody else (not necessarily you), she’s figured out how to manipulate you. For whatever reason, she is getting away with behaviors that are not acceptable, and she is behaving like this with permission.

It’s time for you to step into your role as a parent and take charge. You must communicate zero-tolerance for cruel behaviors that are harmful to others. Here are a few ideas on how to start:

Be Firm. When you see your child behaving unkindly toward someone else, tell her in a clear and concise way that you insist she be sensitive to other people’s feelings, not just her own. Perhaps you’ve told her this already, but then what happened? It’s not enough to simply point it out. For example, if she won’t allow another child to join a game, pull her aside and ask her how she would feel if someone excluded her. Then ask her what she should do about it. An apology is in order, and an invitation to play should follow. If you daughter can’t (or doesn’t want to) see this, it’s time for her to go home so she can reflect on it some more.

In an ideal world, your daughter will realize what she has done, or at the very least, quietly go home with you. It’s more likely, however, that she will become angry and defensive, blaming you, the other child, anything rather than taking responsibility for what she’s done

Here’s where you need to be strong. (I am imagining this is the point where your previous efforts have come unglued.) Refuse to engage in her argument. Repeat your directive, regardless of how many times she comes back with a new defense. The responsibility is hers to be kind to everyone, period. Repeat, repeat, repeat, and don’t get sucked into an unhealthy back-and-forth.

Always remember, you are the parent.

Don’t Over-Praise. Parents often lavish excessive praise on their children, in the mistaken belief that lots of praise builds a high self-esteem. It doesn’t. Rather, too much praise creates an individual who seeks affirmation from external sources, which puts someone’s self-worth at the mercy of other people’s opinions. We’ve all known (or read about) narcissistic adults who spend every waking moment making sure other people are thinking about them, talking about them, and admiring them. What a tiresome way to live!

If you praise your daughter for every little thing she does, please stop! A parent’s praise serves one true purpose, and that is to be a role model for when and how children should eventually praise themselves—realistically, with honest feedback, and with love. Over-praising will create grandiosity in your daughter, which becomes even more insidious (and MUCH harder to let go of) when she takes over for you and starts doing it on her own.

Balance Her Relationships.  How many chores is your daughter expected to do? How often does she ask about YOUR day? Is she expected to help her siblings (if she has any), or feed, water, and walk a dog? In too many families, the singular answers to each of these is none, never, and no. In a home that is overly child-centric, the children are rock stars, and everybody else is there to admire them. While that may sound like a drag for ‘everybody else,’ it’s much worse for the child.

Children need to be needed. (Who doesn’t?) They want to learn how to diaper a baby sister, teach the family dog to do tricks, set the table. Don’t mistake “Aww, Mom, do I have to?” for not really wanting to. This is what we all say (even to ourselves), when we have to interrupt what we’re doing to do something else.

Self-sufficient young children are a joy to behold. They pack their own lunches, manage their own homework, even do their own laundry when they’re tall enough to reach. They grow into independent bigger children who see themselves as contributing members of a class, a sports team, a community.

And make it a point to tell your child something about yourself—every day—to help your child develop curiosity and interest in others.

With a focused effort, you can reverse the behaviors you are observing in your daughter. At first, she might feel like she’s fallen from her throne and can’t do anything right. But over time, she will get it. Your challenge will be patience; it’s important you execute your new plan with caring and love, not anger and disappointment. More than anything else, your overly self-centered child needs to know you love her unconditionally, and that no matter what she does, you will always be there for her.

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KRISTI SAYS: Let’s be real here, all children have “narcissistic tendencies.” They only think of themselves, they say rude things, they have no concept of personal space, and they think the world revolves around them. Like you said, your daughter is only 6-years-old. I would be slow to label her a narcissist and would instead look for ways to help her develop a healthy view of herself and to exhibit more compassion as she grows.

Isolating others and being mean can be a cover for your daughter’s own insecurities. It may reflect how peers have treated her, or it may protect her from being bullied. (By joining in on the bullying, she doesn’t become their target.)

Kids don’t always realize the impact their words have on other children. As parents, it’s our job to teach them. One thing I like to do with my kids when they use mean words is to turn it back on them momentarily. I find that it helps them to understand that what they say matters.

I might ask, “How would you feel if someone called you smelly? What if they said you were the stinkiest creature to ever walk the earth, and no one should play with you because or they’ll stink, too?”

I may also ask something like, “Now how does it feel when people say you are a good friend, and they can’t wait to play with you? What if they said you were the coolest kid, that everyone should want to hang out with you?”

Then I’ll follow up with something like, “One of these statements feels good to hear, and the other doesn’t. Which one feels good? Which one doesn’t? How does it make you feel? How can you use kind words with your classmates instead of unkind ones?”

When I use this tactic, it helps my children develop an understanding of the power of words. I don’t expect my children to be friends with everyone, but I do encourage them to be kind.

At school, children are in a bubble. They only experience life with the same group of kids, day in and day out. If you want to help your daughter develop compassion, expand her world. Take her to parks in other parts of town. Give her opportunities to connect with new kids. Let her experience what it’s like to be an “outsider.”

Get her involved in activities that require her to interact with a diverse group of peers, like a sport where kids need to work together. Maybe she could volunteer to read to shelter pets or participate in a food drive for the hungry. These types of activities will help her see a world beyond herself so she can develop a compassionate heart.

Let there be consequences when she is unkind and reward her with praise when you observe her being kind or helpful to others. For the birthday situation, you unfortunately set her up by forcing her to invite the boy she didn’t like. She was still around the same peers, and you added him to the mix, hoping she’d be kind. It sounds like she did a pretty good job given the circumstance. She may have ignored him, but it doesn’t sound like she purposefully tormented him or teased him, either.

She deserves praise for that. It’s a good step, one that can grow into something more.

One way to help correct her behavior is to have her practice apologizing. Even if she doesn’t “feel” remorse, she can still learn to do the right thing. You could have her say something like, “I’m sorry I called you smelly. It wasn’t kind.” Even if she only practices with you, it’s a way to help her verbalize what she did. Eventually, you can have her go a step further and actually say it to the person she hurt.

I always have my kids apologize to someone when they’ve done or said something hurtful. When they were little, they didn’t necessarily “feel bad,” and they were reluctant to do it. But I’ve noticed as they’ve grown older, the “feeling” of remorse is starting to follow the words.

Continue looking for the good in your daughter and don’t label her just yet. She’s still a child and has a lot of time to learn and grow.

ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we’d love to hear from you! askmomyourquestion@gmail.com

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