ASK MOM: My Son is Rude to Me
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read More ASK MOM advice in Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine​

​THE PROBLEM: I’ve gotten into this weird dynamic with my kid. The bottom line is, he’s rude to me and I can’t do anything about it. Even though he’s only 9, he acts like he’s 16. When I tell him to put something away, he’ll say “You do it.” If I ask him to help me with something, he’ll say, “Do I have to?” (Of course I say YES.) I’ll ask him if he wants something to eat and he’ll just ignore me. Believe me, I tell him EVERY TIME his behavior isn’t acceptable (and why), but nothing changes. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but the way he treats me is making me feel bad about myself, even though I’m supposed to be the one in charge. Any ideas?

Daughter Too Shy to Speak Up
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine ​

THE PROBLEM: I am worried about my 6-year old daughter who always ‘hangs back’ whenever other kids are in the room. When someone brings a new game or toy on the scene, the other kids pounce on it, but my daughter steps away and starts twirling her hair. I’m worried she’s not assertive enough. Sometimes I think she’s just letting other kids go first, rather than pushing her way in. She also hesitates to answer questions, even simple ones, like “how old are you”? I’m not saying this is a big deal, but I wonder if there are techniques I can use to help her to ‘jump in’ more easily.

Is My Kid Faking It?
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine ​

THE PROBLEM: I’m beginning to worry about how often my son misrepresents things (he’s 9). I don’t mean he outright lies, but he’ll have these full-blown excuses about why he can’t do something, and I can’t tell if it’s real or not. The worst is when he gets ‘sick.’ He gets stomachaches, headaches, earaches—anything to get out of going to school, especially when they started going back in after a year of online. He’ll look miserable, but he gets a whole lot better as soon as I let him stay home. And of course, he COULD actually be sick, but I can’t tell when it’s real and when it isn’t. I’m getting this with homework (teacher never assigned it), low test scores (test was stuff the teacher didn’t cover), and other things. My husband gets mad at him when he starts making excuses, but I keep finding myself trying to believe him. I’m not sure where to go from here. 

Terrified of Kids Online
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine
​
THE PROBLEM: There are some kids (boys and girls) who are picking on my daughter, mostly online. I’m physically sick about it. I know this is supposed to be about my daughter, but I don’t know how to deal with the situation. It’s like these otherwise decent kids have turned into one big monster. I’m terrified of them, and I’m the grownup! Needless to say, my daughter is devastated. Her pain is beyond what I can describe. They’ve given her a code name so they can talk freely about her and act like it’s not a real person. The worst part is, it all started when my daughter didn’t text another girl back for a couple of days, and the girl decided to cut her off. For this minor infraction—my daughter didn’t even see the text—she’s now going to have scars for the rest of her life. I need some ideas but I don’t know where to turn.

My Son Can't Control Himself
Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine

by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson

THE PROBLEM: Since my son was little, he’s had a tendency to blurt things out and randomly do odd things. I thought he would outgrow it, but he’s in fourth grade and nothing has changed. It’s like he doesn’t have any filters, where he can take a moment before doing something and consider how people will react. For example, his class was having a little celebration, so they were all wearing hats they made. As soon as he put his on, he stepped in the trash can and started neighing like a horse. (I get embarrassed even writing this.) He has friends, so it’s not like he’s ostracized or anything, but I’m afraid this kind of behavior could backfire on him at any moment. I wish I knew how to help him control himself better.

Am I Raising a Narcissist?
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine

THE PROBLEM: I have recently learned that one of my friends is a narcissist (as diagnosed by a clinician), so I have been doing a lot of reading about the disorder. I am discovering that my daughter demonstrates some of the characteristics of narcissism, like being unkind to other kids, talking about herself all the time, and not appearing to feel remorse when she does something wrong. One example of how mean she can be is that she didn’t want to invite a little boy in her class to her birthday party because he ‘smells funny.’ I made her invite him anyway, but I don’t think the boy had a good time, since my daughter managed to show her displeasure by hardly talking to him at all. She’s only 6, but if she does have narcissistic tendencies, I want to get on it right away.

MARY SAYS: Many therapists agree that 6 years of age is too young for a child to actually be a narcissist. In fact, a certain amount of egocentricity is healthy at this age; children need to figure out who they are and how they fit in. As parents, it’s our job to guide our innately self-centered children into grownups who naturally feel compassion and empathy toward others. You’re doing the right thing by addressing these issues now, rather than waiting until your daughter is a tween or a teen, when she could conceivably cause more harm to others.

After all, you don’t want your daughter to be the ‘mean girl.’

From what you describe, it sounds as though your daughter may be struggling with some serious issues. Does she act like she’s better than other children? Does she feel entitled to get whatever she wants? Does she expect excessive praise, regardless of her performance? Is she often jealous? Does she lack the ability to imagine what others might be feeling? If your answer to any of these questions is ‘yes,’ your daughter (and your family) may be in for a bumpy road ahead, and change will only happen if you go first.

Often times, when a child demonstrates disturbing characteristics such as these, he or she has managed to take control over the parent-child relationship. Whether your child was simply born headstrong (and you’re not), or she’s learned these behaviors from somebody else (not necessarily you), she’s figured out how to manipulate you. For whatever reason, she is getting away with behaviors that are not acceptable, and she is behaving like this with permission.

It’s time for you to step into your role as a parent and take charge. You must communicate zero-tolerance for cruel behaviors that are harmful to others. Here are a few ideas on how to start:

Be Firm. When you see your child behaving unkindly toward someone else, tell her in a clear and concise way that you insist she be sensitive to other people’s feelings, not just her own. Perhaps you’ve told her this already, but then what happened? It’s not enough to simply point it out. For example, if she won’t allow another child to join a game, pull her aside and ask her how she would feel if someone excluded her. Then ask her what she should do about it. An apology is in order, and an invitation to play should follow. If you daughter can’t (or doesn’t want to) see this, it’s time for her to go home so she can reflect on it some more.

In an ideal world, your daughter will realize what she has done, or at the very least, quietly go home with you. It’s more likely, however, that she will become angry and defensive, blaming you, the other child, anything rather than taking responsibility for what she’s done

Here’s where you need to be strong. (I am imagining this is the point where your previous efforts have come unglued.) Refuse to engage in her argument. Repeat your directive, regardless of how many times she comes back with a new defense. The responsibility is hers to be kind to everyone, period. Repeat, repeat, repeat, and don’t get sucked into an unhealthy back-and-forth.

Always remember, you are the parent.

Don’t Over-Praise. Parents often lavish excessive praise on their children, in the mistaken belief that lots of praise builds a high self-esteem. It doesn’t. Rather, too much praise creates an individual who seeks affirmation from external sources, which puts someone’s self-worth at the mercy of other people’s opinions. We’ve all known (or read about) narcissistic adults who spend every waking moment making sure other people are thinking about them, talking about them, and admiring them. What a tiresome way to live!

If you praise your daughter for every little thing she does, please stop! A parent’s praise serves one true purpose, and that is to be a role model for when and how children should eventually praise themselves—realistically, with honest feedback, and with love. Over-praising will create grandiosity in your daughter, which becomes even more insidious (and MUCH harder to let go of) when she takes over for you and starts doing it on her own.

Balance Her Relationships.  How many chores is your daughter expected to do? How often does she ask about YOUR day? Is she expected to help her siblings (if she has any), or feed, water, and walk a dog? In too many families, the singular answers to each of these is none, never, and no. In a home that is overly child-centric, the children are rock stars, and everybody else is there to admire them. While that may sound like a drag for ‘everybody else,’ it’s much worse for the child.

Children need to be needed. (Who doesn’t?) They want to learn how to diaper a baby sister, teach the family dog to do tricks, set the table. Don’t mistake “Aww, Mom, do I have to?” for not really wanting to. This is what we all say (even to ourselves), when we have to interrupt what we’re doing to do something else.

Self-sufficient young children are a joy to behold. They pack their own lunches, manage their own homework, even do their own laundry when they’re tall enough to reach. They grow into independent bigger children who see themselves as contributing members of a class, a sports team, a community.

And make it a point to tell your child something about yourself—every day—to help your child develop curiosity and interest in others.

With a focused effort, you can reverse the behaviors you are observing in your daughter. At first, she might feel like she’s fallen from her throne and can’t do anything right. But over time, she will get it. Your challenge will be patience; it’s important you execute your new plan with caring and love, not anger and disappointment. More than anything else, your overly self-centered child needs to know you love her unconditionally, and that no matter what she does, you will always be there for her.

Teaching your child to read? Learn about our online phonics program!

KRISTI SAYS: Let’s be real here, all children have “narcissistic tendencies.” They only think of themselves, they say rude things, they have no concept of personal space, and they think the world revolves around them. Like you said, your daughter is only 6-years-old. I would be slow to label her a narcissist and would instead look for ways to help her develop a healthy view of herself and to exhibit more compassion as she grows.

Isolating others and being mean can be a cover for your daughter’s own insecurities. It may reflect how peers have treated her, or it may protect her from being bullied. (By joining in on the bullying, she doesn’t become their target.)

Kids don’t always realize the impact their words have on other children. As parents, it’s our job to teach them. One thing I like to do with my kids when they use mean words is to turn it back on them momentarily. I find that it helps them to understand that what they say matters.

I might ask, “How would you feel if someone called you smelly? What if they said you were the stinkiest creature to ever walk the earth, and no one should play with you because or they’ll stink, too?”

I may also ask something like, “Now how does it feel when people say you are a good friend, and they can’t wait to play with you? What if they said you were the coolest kid, that everyone should want to hang out with you?”

Then I’ll follow up with something like, “One of these statements feels good to hear, and the other doesn’t. Which one feels good? Which one doesn’t? How does it make you feel? How can you use kind words with your classmates instead of unkind ones?”

When I use this tactic, it helps my children develop an understanding of the power of words. I don’t expect my children to be friends with everyone, but I do encourage them to be kind.

At school, children are in a bubble. They only experience life with the same group of kids, day in and day out. If you want to help your daughter develop compassion, expand her world. Take her to parks in other parts of town. Give her opportunities to connect with new kids. Let her experience what it’s like to be an “outsider.”

Get her involved in activities that require her to interact with a diverse group of peers, like a sport where kids need to work together. Maybe she could volunteer to read to shelter pets or participate in a food drive for the hungry. These types of activities will help her see a world beyond herself so she can develop a compassionate heart.

Let there be consequences when she is unkind and reward her with praise when you observe her being kind or helpful to others. For the birthday situation, you unfortunately set her up by forcing her to invite the boy she didn’t like. She was still around the same peers, and you added him to the mix, hoping she’d be kind. It sounds like she did a pretty good job given the circumstance. She may have ignored him, but it doesn’t sound like she purposefully tormented him or teased him, either.

She deserves praise for that. It’s a good step, one that can grow into something more.

One way to help correct her behavior is to have her practice apologizing. Even if she doesn’t “feel” remorse, she can still learn to do the right thing. You could have her say something like, “I’m sorry I called you smelly. It wasn’t kind.” Even if she only practices with you, it’s a way to help her verbalize what she did. Eventually, you can have her go a step further and actually say it to the person she hurt.

I always have my kids apologize to someone when they’ve done or said something hurtful. When they were little, they didn’t necessarily “feel bad,” and they were reluctant to do it. But I’ve noticed as they’ve grown older, the “feeling” of remorse is starting to follow the words.

Continue looking for the good in your daughter and don’t label her just yet. She’s still a child and has a lot of time to learn and grow.

ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we’d love to hear from you! askmomyourquestion@gmail.com

Teach your child to read with phonics.

​Read more ASK MOM advice.

THE PROBLEM: I’m afraid my 13-year old son has gotten into some stuff on the internet that’s causing him a lot of anxiety. He’s convinced the world is going to end soon, and he can’t stop talking about it. He’s lost interest in the activities he used to enjoy, like playing guitar and watching sports on TV with his dad, and he’s trying to convince everybody else to worry, too. (Again, by talking about it all the time.) He has also confided to me that he feels hopeless, and he doesn’t know what’s going to happen to him after the world ends. He is suffering so much, and I feel awful for him, but I don’t know how to help him.

MARY SAYS: Have you ever found your mind grinding away at something you said in a work meeting or obsessing on an imagined health scare? You’re bee-bopping along, happy, and all of a sudden, bam! In an instant, your thoughts turn into a runaway train without brakes.

At best, it’s annoying, but at worst, obsessive thinking can consume you in a most uncomfortable way, which is what is happening to your son.

Unfortunately, heightened anxiety is a common fallout from a global disaster, which we have been in since—since—wow, it feels like forever. There’s no shortage of bad news to fuel endless doom-scrolling, which an anxious mind loves to feed on.

Common sense might tell you to limit your son’s internet use. But aside from dealing with the pushback you’ll get, it’s not that simple. To revisit our earlier metaphor, the train has already left the station.

Your son is in desperate need of coping tools. For whatever reason, he has joined the thousands of children who have lost the resiliency that comes so naturally to young people. He may be a particularly sensitive boy, or he might be dealing with another issue that is too overwhelming to look at, which makes obsessing on the end of the world an easier option.

He also might be picking up on how you’re feeling.

If you are a parent, you’ve probably met your own demons this year, having to deal with the demands of raising a family and having a pandemic thrown in just in case you didn’t have enough going on. How are you managing? What races through your mind while you’re lying in bed, eyes wide open, at 3 in the morning? Are you experiencing heightened anxiety or depression?

Most significantly for your son, what are you saying about all of this?

If you’re not doing the ‘everything’s coming up roses’ thing, that’s good. Trying times are best dealt with honestly, rather than putting on a happy face even when you don’t feel like it. But if your son is only hearing about your worries and fears, perhaps it’s time to share the helpful strategies you use for dealing with them.

And if you aren’t using any, now’s a good time to start.

First of all, be aware of projecting gloom into the future, which might sound like this: “COVID 19 is just the beginning. They say what’s coming down the pike will be a lot worse.” Or: “Kids are so behind in school. How will they ever catch up?” Or: “Now that I’m working remote, I feel far away, like I’ll lose my job any day now.” Indeed, you may believe all these things, but unless they come to pass, they’re just scary stories, invented to feed that insatiable anxious mind.

Mind your words, please. Our children need us to. At the age of 13, children want to be autonomous, and they want someone to be in charge. These opposing ‘wants’ create a breeding ground for uncertainty and fear, but they also offer an opportunity for growth.

True, we may find ourselves facing another pandemic in years to come. But does that portend a dark fate, or have we learned something about how resilient we humans can be? Yes, many kids have had a less-than-desirable school experience over the past 12 months. But could this gap in our children’s education possibly be a chance for them to get off the hamster wheel of pushing through? I mean, what’s the hurry? And have you ever lost a job? How often does that turn into something better?

These are not small issues. But a shift in perspective can turn setbacks into opportunities, while at the same time relieving suffering for everybody in your household.

I would also encourage you to give your son a device to use when he feels himself beginning to ruminate about death and destruction. This simple, 3-step ‘box breath’ is extremely powerful at calming down the nervous system. It’s quick, easy, portable, and nobody ever needs to know you’re doing it.
Here’s how it works:

• Take a slow, deep breath to the count of four.
• Hold the breath in, also to the count of four. (Stay relaxed while suspending the breath—not that puffy-cheeked, nose-holding thing kids do when going underwater. Rather, simply don’t breathe out for a moment.)
• Slowly release the breath to the count of four.

​Try it. Right now. You’ll be amazed how relaxed you feel. Your son may need to use this device 20 times an hour when he first begins, but over time, just thinking about the box breath will prompt his system to chill out.

And finally, keep in mind that although you might try to convince your son the world is NOT going to end, do we really know for sure what will happen next? Trying to control an outcome only offers temporary relief from anxiety. For a more sustained sense of wellbeing, one needs to come from a centered place, knowing deep down that no matter what, everything is as it should be.

People spend a lifetime trying to find that eternal nugget—through faith, centering practices, nature, and many other sources. Seekers always find. Share your own journey with your son, and perhaps you will discover in each other a companion to journey with—a hidden gem, buried deep inside these crazy times we’re living in.

Kristi is on vacation this week. 

ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you’re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn’t around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we’d love to hear from you! askmomyourquestion@gmail.com

Teaching a child to read? Learn about our online phonics program!
​
Read more ASK MOM advice.

THE PROBLEM: My daughter, who is now eight, was so easy I couldn’t wait to have another. As a baby, she had a smile for everyone. She’s the kind of kid who will busy herself with a coloring book in a restaurant, and she hardly ever puts up a fuss when I ask her to do something. But then, a year-and-a-half after she was born, we had Adam, who was unhappy from the beginning. He screamed a lot for the first two years, and still fights with me on EVERYTHING, even though he’s seven, old enough to know better. The problem is, I’ve finally admitted to myself that I love my daughter more than my son, which is about the worst thing I could do for both of them. I feel so ashamed, like I’m a terrible mother. Shouldn’t I love them both the same?

MARY SAYS: Aaahhhh, the blessing and the curse of an easy firstborn. When new parents have the kind of baby who coos at strangers, sleeps through the night, and naps on long trips, it’s tempting for the happy couple to believe they’re pretty good at this ‘parenting’ thing. It might even tip into judgy, especially when their friends pop out a screamer: “Just pat him on the back and he’ll go right back to sleep,” you say, or “Try a pacifier, that worked like a charm for us.”

Unwittingly, these two think they’re the ones who created such a model human being. And to a degree, they have. But then along comes baby number two, an alien who drops into your otherwise happy home. This one takes charge from the get-go, and you’re never quite sure how to please your new boss.

In other words, children are like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get.

What complicates the situation is that children often have personalities similar to one parent or the other. I am guessing your daughter’s temperament is like your own, which is why it’s been so easy to engage with her. Adam, however, sounds like he has a different personality type, one that may even remind you of someone you were never too crazy about. (Mom? Dad? Aunt Lil?)

But they are both yours, which is why you are concerned about your feelings toward Adam.

For starters, let's talk about the word ‘love.’ Love can’t be divided or split in two, it can’t be measured. Be assured, you have plenty of love inside of you for both of your children and all the other children in the world. Love is whole and complete, impossible to ‘parcel out’ to one more than another.

When you conclude you love your son more than your daughter, it’s more likely that Adam is triggering something inside of YOU you don’t like. Or that you’re triggered by. Or ashamed of.

And for Adam’s sake, it’s important you figure out what that ‘something’ is.
​
Using pen and paper, write down everything about Adam that drives you crazy. (Something about writing by hand helps to reveal the truths we are trying to get to.)

For example:

• Adam is impulsive.
• Adam is loud.
• Adam won’t listen.

Now it’s time for reflection, pen still in hand. Was there ever a time you were scolded or shamed for acting out? Talking too loud? Maybe your teachers complained that you never listened, talked too much, or couldn’t follow directions. Maybe the opposite was true, and you NEVER spoke up. Early on, perhaps Mom or Dad convinced you that what you had to say wasn’t worth hearing, and now you have this child who says whatever is on his mind as loud as he can. 

Try and recall when the original wound was inflicted, and you might understand why you react so strongly to Adam. Once you are able to identify these characteristics in yourself, you will see your son as a gift you’ve been graced with to help you embrace your own injured places, ones that have been hidden in shadow for too long.

If you do this, the healing can begin—for yourself, and for the beautiful boy who has been placed in your care.

KRISTI SAYS: The idea that we should love two people the same way only sets us up for failure. However, in parenting, it’s important to treat your children with the same amount of love and respect if you don’t want to breed resentment. Children pick up on our emotions and behaviors. They know when they aren’t the favored one, and this can lead them to behave in unlovable ways.

There are two separate issues at hand here, and both need to be addressed. One is how you feel, and the other is how you behave.

Let’s start with your feelings. It sounds like your daughter was one of those babies that most people can only dream about. Easy, compliant, and smiley. Your time with her peaceful disposition was cut short by Adam, who entered the world with needs you struggled to meet. You wanted to make him happy like your daughter, but he didn’t comply. On top of that, they were so close in age you were raising two babies together.

Adam just felt hard, which can lead to disappointment.

You’ve been holding onto that letdown for 7 years, and now you’re admitting to yourself you love her more. It sounds like you’re throwing in the towel and giving up on what could be a beautiful mother-son relationship. Comparing him to her and wondering why he can’t be more like his sister may be what’s at the crux of this issue.

It sounds like you LIKE your daughter more because she complies and listens to you. It also sounds like you LIKE your son less because he’s harder to manage. (Liking is not the same as loving, by the way.)

A few important things to understand:

1. Boys and girls are different. They have different temperaments, different personalities, and different needs. Boys tend to be more ‘rough and tumble,’ making them seem more aggressive.
2. Each child requires a unique approach to discipline. I’ve learned this important lesson with my three children. With two boys and one girl, I find myself continuing to learn and develop what works best for each of them. One responds well to a quick time out, another needs toys removed temporarily, and the third one needs time away from technology to correct behavior.
3. Boys develop differently than girls. Adam may not be as emotionally or mentally developed as your daughter was at his age. While you think “he should know better,” he still needs your continued guidance.

Now let’s talk about how you behave. Your response to your feelings is something you can control—and improve upon. Think about your recent interactions with your son. How many of them were positive? How many times did you praise him for doing the right thing? How many times did you tell him you love him this week? How many times did you do something special with him? Can you count the times you gave him a hug or showed him affection?

All children need to be shown love. They also need your time and attention. If your feelings toward your son are causing you to withhold love, then I would encourage you to work on this. If you are withholding love because your son isn’t doing what you think he should, then your love toward your children is conditional. Perhaps that was how you were raised, so it’s understandable, but it sounds like you want to do better.

If you want to improve your relationship with your son, start by treating him as a unique individual. He’s not the same person as your daughter, and it’s unfair for you to expect the same things from him.

Try carving out 30 minutes each day, just for him. Go to the park and kick a ball around or do a messy art project. Read him his favorite book for the millionth time.

Also, watch your words. Have you ever said: Why can’t you be more like your sister? or I can’t believe you did that again, or even When are you going to grow up? As parents, we say things out of frustration, but starting now, you’ll want to be more intentional about what you say to your son. Use your words to build him up, not tear him down. If you observe something positive, praise him for his efforts, no matter how small:

“I really liked how you built that tower with your blocks. It was so smart and creative.”

“I enjoyed playing at the park today. When do you want to do that again?”

“You’re doing a great job getting ready for bed. Thanks for putting your pajamas on so quickly.”

Correct his behavior when necessary, but don’t compare his behavior to his sister’s. Gently correct him if he’s disrespectful, give him natural consequences when he acts up, and understand that he needs a different approach than your daughter does.

If you change your behaviors, your feelings will eventually follow. You’ll discover one day that you don’t love your daughter more, you just love your children differently. The truth is, they are two exceptional, beautiful human beings who need to be loved by their mother in unique ways

ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we’d love to hear from you! askmomyourquestion@gmail.com

Read more ASK MOM advice in Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine.

Learn about our online phonics program.

Unless you remember what it’s like to be a child, you might have a hard time writing for one. Here’s what kids want hear about:

• The way you almost died when you found out your skirt was tucked up in your waistband in Mrs. Kramer’s fourth grade class
• How you felt when you went shopping for school clothes in August; the smell of the dressing room; the empty hangers on the floor; the excitement/fear of going into a grade you’ve been saying you’re in all summer
• The heartbreak of watching your best friend pass your seat to sit with someone else on the bus; that rubbery, gasoline smell; forest green seats; kids bouncing up and down (or slumped by the window) and yelling over the gunning of the engine

If your characters aren’t culled from the swirl of emotions you felt every time anything happened when you were a kid, your young readers might not stick with you.

Here’s some stuff they don’t want to read about:

• Waking up in the morning
• What the main character’s bedroom looks like
• Parents
• Teachers
• Morals/lectures​

​When you’re writing for kids, write for yourself. The person you outgrew years ago, but who’s still hanging out somewhere inside.

Writing for Kids is Like Therapy
Funny thing, when you really get into writing for kids, it kind of wakes you up. It’s as if that child is snoozing in there, hibernating under a blanket of all of the ‘shoulds’ that we tend to weigh ourselves down with when we get jobs, houses, and children.

You’ll know you’ve nailed that cafeteria scene when something inside you stirs as you type the final word. If you once sat on your bed with your ten-year old best friend whose mother just died—and you didn’t know what to say— you’ll know you’ve captured that awful day when your eyes blur as you watch the scene unfold on your screen.  

It’s a remembering that reaches inside of you and cleans you out. You begin to see the world through your little girl eyes again—in small glimpses, sure—but it’s there. You laugh when people walk into things. You might find yourself putting a quarter in a gum machine to get one of those big, stale gumballs. You might even pet the neighbor’s cat. 

And do make sure you have a real, modern-day kid read your stuff. Someone needs to check it for ‘language.’ You don’t want Beaver Cleaver narrating your story. But go too far on the edgy side, and you might be topping out of your age group. (Unless you’re writing YA, which pretty much has everything in it that adult books do.)

Maybe you're writing for yourself. If that’s the case, do whatever feels good and throw it in a drawer when you’re done!

​Learn about my phonics program for kids. Learn about Mary's online phonics program! Teach Your Child to Read with Mary's easy english program that is a fun way to learn kindergarten phonics for kids!

by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson
Read more advice from ASK MOM in Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine.

THE PROBLEM: My daughter (she’s in sixth grade) lies about everything. I can’t tell if she’s living in a dream world, or if she’s doing it on purpose. I sometimes wonder if she is just exaggerating to try and impress her friends, but she also does it with me. The other day, I asked her if she had done her homework, and she said ‘yes.’ But she knew I was going to have to sign-off on it later, and when I checked her workbook, it was blank. This sounds like a small thing, but it happens all the time. It’s not like she didn’t know I was going to check it! I punish her whenever I catch her lying, so she knows I don’t like it. But she only tries harder to get out of trouble by telling even more lies. Sometimes I get angry at her, but mostly, I’m afraid the problem is going to get worse unless I do something about it. I’m just not sure what to do.

Some children's book authors are so good they become a part of you—forever. Each generation has its beloved writer(s), but for me and my sisters, Laura Ingalls Wilder was who we wanted to be. And if we couldn't be her, at least we wanted to know her. But since she died before we were born, we had to make do with what she wrote and where she lived.

This fall, my sister had occasion to get close enough to the town of De Smet, South Dakota, to justify a trip to Laura's girlhood home. Now a shrine to Laura Ingalls Wilder, De Smet was backdrop to the The Long Winter, By the Shores of Silver Lake and The Little Town on the Prairie, which spanned my favorite years in Laura's growing-up life.

The long winter was too short for me. I wanted to get up every morning and bust the ice off my wash water, like Laura. I also wanted to teach in a one room schoolhouse. (Laura hated it, by the way.) My future husband would ride up in a sled—or cart, depending on the weather—and pick me up after I rang the cast iron bell. School's out! And of course, Nellie Oleson would just happen to be passing by, furious that she wasn't the one riding shotgun in whatever sweet ride Almanzo had chosen to bring.

I wanted to wear dresses made of organdy, which I pictured being the orange color of those marshmallow peanuts you have to hold your nose to eat. I wanted to make those dresses. Me, a wooden bench, a sewing needle and yards of fabric on my lap—cascading to the floor—is what I dreamed of.

I wasn't alone in this. If you've read this far, you're probably one of the thousands of children—now grown—who was smitten by a plucky pioneer girl named Laura.

So my sister rides into town in a rented car. While De Smet is home to only 1,200 residents, it boasts a tennis court, a swimming pool, a nine-hole golf course and a nursing home. In other words, you'll need to squint if you want the little town on the prairie to actually look like one. That said, many of the old homes and buildings are still in use, and some people might describe modern day De Smet as a 'one horse town.'

But others might describe it as All Things Laura. Devotees are strategically situated throughout the town to reveal tidbits about Laura and her family that you might not have heard before. (We want them all. Every single one.) The First School of De Smet, where Laura was a student, is still standing, but the Brewster School, where she taught, is a replica. There are all kinds of staged scenes in each of Laura's dwellings with period furniture, clothing and toys like the ones Laura 'might' have used.

Laura Ingalls Wilder described her early years as being full of "sunshine and shadow." The books were about the sunshine—the shadow, not so much. My sister was surprised that Pa had to abscond with his family in the middle of the night from Burr Oak, Iowa, due to the landlord 'not being reasonable.' And apparently, while Almanzo Wilder saved the starving town by making a dangerous run in a blizzard to buy some harvested wheat, the Wilder home MIGHT have harbored a false wall, behind which the family was secretly hording its own stash.

But the biggest surprise was that the entire Ingalls family lived in South Dakota until they died—either together in one home or within spittin' distance of each other—except for Laura. Laura settled in Mansfield, MO, with her husband, Almanzo, and only saw her parents once before they passed away many years later.

What?! Only see Ma one time over a period of 35 years? Good, kind, gentle Ma (even if she was a bit stern)? And Pa, who played the fiddle that Laura so loved? What are we missing here? As kids, we wanted to live with the Ingalls, yet Laura appears to have left them behind in De Smet, no hurry to go back.

We may never understand this. But living was hard on the plains in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, and the Ingalls bore their share of tragedies, many of which were not included in the books. If the pioneering life wore them down, we can only imagine the toll it took on their family.

If you're thinking about visiting a favorite children's book author's home town, brace yourself. You may end up feeling sort of sad. Your journey through the books was yours alone, and adding facts to your memories might not play out the way you think it will.

But if you're OK with reframing your childhood fantasies, have at it! Just be aware that you might alter forever the part of you that was formed by a complete stranger who felt like a friend.

Not all boys hate to read. But a lot do, and those are the ones we're talking about here. If a middle-grade boy is a reluctant reader, he's setting himself up for a lifetime of challenges he'd be better off without. [Granted, some girls hate to read, too. But far fewer. According to a 2016 Scholastic Survey of over 2000 children, only 52% of boys (vs. 72% of girls) said they liked reading books over the summer.]

Let's face it. Poor readers stress about school, tend to have lower confidence outside of school, and often grow up with the intention of quitting their education as soon as they can.

And where does that leave them?

If you're a parent with a boy who doesn't like to read, you're probably desperately seeking ways to inspire him to pick up a book. See below for some ideas on how to get your boy excited about reading.

What does your son like to do? Is he a baseball fan? Does he like to cook? Is he into dinosaurs, bugs, or spaceships? Surround him with books about his favorite topics. There's no need to insist on variety! If he only wants to read about World War II military strategy, let him. I know one fourth-grade boy who only wanted to read about that, and he exhausted the supply of books on military history at the local library. He also became a strong reader with exceptional comprehension skills.

One mom told me her reluctant reader only liked books with talking animals. They weren't easy to find, but she worked hard to keep him in a steady supply until he became an independent reader. If your son likes one book, find out why and hunt down more of the same.

If your boy likes comic books, take regular trips to the comic book store. Try a subscription to a magazine; the stories are short, with lots of pictures. Video game fanatics might be more willing to read stories online; try downloading books for your gamer to read on his computer or on a Kindle. Make your boy's reading experience 'all about him,' and you'll get a much better response.

Teaching your child to read this summer? Try our easy online phonics program!!

Make a trade. If your son reads a book, plan a reward that relates to the book. If he finishes a book on baseball, take him to a baseball game. If the book is a fictional account of an historic event, take him to a site where he can learn more about what really happened. And if he reads a book about two kids going on an adventure and getting in trouble, let him set up a tent in the back yard and have a sleepover.

One great way to encourage your son to read is to let him watch movies that are based on the book--after he's read the book.  There are some great books for kids that were made into movies:

• Harry Potter (There are eight of these. This could keep your son reading all year.)
• The Narnia Series
• Star Trek
• Star Wars
• The Lightning Thief (And other Percy Jackson and the Olympians novels)
• A Series of Unfortunate Events
• Eragon
• The Wizard of Oz
• The Golden Compass
• Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
• The Fault in Our Stars
• Charlotte's Web
• Holes

Break your reading challenge into manageable chunks, and your son will be more likely to get through the whole book. For example, give him a gold star when he finishes a chapter. That way, he can see tangible results as he works toward his goal.

One caveat: Be careful not to make the experience punitive by constantly reminding him that he doesn't get the prize if he doesn't read the book. Let him be in charge of his own destiny. If he chooses to forgo the prize, let that be up to him.

Reading grade level material is hard work for a reluctant reader. Rather than making your son struggle through books that other fifth graders are reading, go back down to fourth grade. Find easier books that your child might like. Or even two grade levels below--whatever it takes for your son to enjoy what he's reading.

If your son is willing to keep his nose in a book for younger children, he will get all the practice he needs, simply because he is reading. Reading for enjoyment will advance his skills faster than powering through a book that's too hard for him. After all, that's how his classmates became good readers--mastering easy books and then moving on to harder ones. What you're giving your late bloomer is the gift of taking all the time he needs.

And finally, don't stop reading aloud. Choose books you think your son could read by himself. Spend time reading to him before he goes to bed, but stop when you get to the most exciting part. Lay the book on his nightstand and let him know that it's now time for lights out. Except, of course, if he wants to finish the chapter on his own.

Leave a comment! Is your boy a reluctant reader? Share your own stories about what worked for you.

Reading aloud to your kids invariably ends. Children grow up, they move out and despite what the mother in Love You Forever does, you should never stalk your kids. The beginning of the end looks like this: You finish a chapter one night, and the next time you get ready to pick up where you left off, your ‘little’ boy says he’s already read that part. In fact, could you pass the book over? “I can read it faster on my own, Mom.”

But maybe you’re not ready to let go. If that's the case, there are ways of prolonging that special reading time as your child advances through the middle school years. By choosing the right books, he or she will continue to look forward to a bedtime story with you.

The trick is to choose a book that keeps your child engaged, but for one reason or another, doesn’t tempt him or her to keep reading when you’re not there. Maybe the language is arcane, or the print is too small. The book itself is heavy. There aren’t any pictures. And the plot is s-o-o slow.

Sounds like a yawn, doesn’t it?

Think again. What we’re talking about here is literary fiction. Children don’t often pick up this kind of book, but the classics cast spells that few children can resist once they get started. Check out some of the time-honored tales listed below and settle in for an entire season of sharing one really good book with your child.

Children’s books: Very few books create the sense of place that Tolkien does in the Hobbit. Even children who are impatient with too much description will be riveted by the magical places they go in this hero’s journey. And who can't fall in love with Bilbo Baggins? He speaks to the tiny, small self in each of us, that self that has such potential for greatness.

Brown Girl Dreaming
Jacqueline Woodson

Children's Books: This powerful book will help your children engage with verse. A beautiful book that portrays what it was like for a young black girl born in 1963 and the impact of slavery on her growing up years.

Children’s books: If your child likes cozy places and talking animals, he or she will love exploring the countryside, meadows, caves, brooks, rivers and streams with this motley crew of colorful creatures.

Children’s books: Poor Diamond. So cold and miserable in his little loft, where the icy wind blows through cracks in the wall at night. The perfect setup for something magical to happen!

Children's books: It was a dark and stormy night…this book is scary! A great love story, too. But keep your smart phone by your side. The vocabulary is so esoteric you will need a dictionary throughout.

Children’s books: A scrappy boy with an endless wit who is always in trouble. ‘Nuff said.

Children’s books: If your child is a hopeless romantic, the unrequited love between Heathcliff and Catherine will be sure to satisfy. English moors, lovers who can’t have each other and tragic deaths, this book has it all.

ASK MOM offers parents and caretakers two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues--one from a mom with grown children, the other from a mom raising small children. If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in!
​
THE ISSUE: I’ve always heard how important it is to let children make their own decisions about little things, which I try to do with my three-year-old daughter. (What shirt to wear to school, if she wants to go to the park, etc.) But it feels like it’s backfiring on me! She takes forever to make a decision! She also becomes resistant to anything I suggest, and even throws tantrums when she can’t have her way. Help!
 
MARY SAYS: When children are young, they need trusted adults to show them how to make wise decisions. A three-year-old doesn’t want to be in charge—it’s too scary! Your daughter’s ability to make her own decisions will mature after watching you make decisions for her. Instead of presenting multiple options, offer her one and tell her why you’ve chosen it: “We’re having oatmeal today because it’s cold outside and it will warm you up!” Gradually, she will ‘get it’ after watching you, and she will be able to make her own decisions with confidence—and without tantrums.
 
KRISTI SAYS: I'm right in the thick of things with my threenager. If your kids are like mine, they say they want something one way, then change their minds moments later! It drives me crazy! The most important thing is that when a tantrum ensues, don't try to placate your child or give her whatever she wants. This will only teach her that fits work. Go ahead and let her have a fit (in a safe place of course). When she's calmed down, she's much more likely to be a reasonable human. I find that too many choices can be overwhelming. I stick with letting my kids make choices when time doesn't matter, and only giving them two options when it does. 

Learn more about our online phonics program to build your child's independent learning.  

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto

Celebrities who make it big in one way (say, making movies) are often gifted writers, artists, vocalists, and instrumentalists. Not fair, I know. But that’s just how it is. So it shouldn’t come as a surprise that famous people have written some terrific books for kids.

Here are 7 books for kids written by celebrities that you and your children might enjoy:

Please, Baby, Please
Spike Lee & Tonya Lewis Lee

The pictures in this book by husband and wife team Spike and Tonya are adorable. If you just want to feel happy, read this book to your little one! It's full of scenarios most two-year olds will be familiar with.

In this beautifully illustrated tale, actor and comedian Billy Crystal writes a poem to his grandchild before they meet. It might appeal more to grandmas and grandpas than to kids, but it’s a heartfelt love letter, penned before the child is born.

What's Heaven?
Maria Shriver

When her great grandma dies, a little girl named Kate contemplates what heaven is like. The illustrations are to die for. (Sorry.) Shriver’s view of heaven is a traditional one. If yours is, too, you might enjoy reading this book to your child.

A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle, was one of the most important books I’ve ever read. I think Tolle’s writings are changing our planet—in a good way. Why am I saying this? To soften the blow. I felt that Milton’s Secret was preachy and contrived. But it is one of the few books that teaches children how present moment awareness can relieve suffering, so hats off to Tolle for writing it.

You know you’ve made it when you don’t use your last name and people still know who you are. (It's Ciccone, by the way.) Madonna wrote this charming book, adding to her repertoire of things you can buy from her. It’s cute! It reminds me a little of the Madeleine books, maybe because it takes place in a European school and stars a bunch of girls. It also deals with the human capacity for judging someone harshly.

I always wanted to ask Guinan for advice! But if you can’t have the bartending Star Trek sage, this book is the next best thing. Maybe Goldberg was bemoaning the lack of manners in our culture, but whatever the reason, she did us all a great service by writing this guide for kids. And the pictures are fun, too.

This is a simple story about a tiny wave who ultimately discovers he is part of a vast ocean. A metaphor for our planet and how we are all one, Jim Carrey writes about How Roland Rolls: “The message of the story will help [children] feel connected, worthwhile and a part of something vast and grand.” What greater gift could a story offer your children?

Introduced to schools in the 1980s, Whole Language takes a holistic approach to teaching children how to read. Words are deciphered by using the context of the story, the pictures and the sentences. (There is a lot of sight-reading in this method, too.) Simply surround new readers with the written word in fun and meaningful ways, and they will start to get it. The Whole Language approach is loosely based on the premise that children can learn to read the way they learned to talk.

One of the problems with this notion is that toddlers are motivated to learn how to talk. If someone is babbling at them, they want to know what’s going on. When the big kids are playing a game, the little one is all ears. And except for when babies are sleeping, they are practicing all the time.

As far as small children are concerned, reading is optional. (OK, it’s not really. But they don’t know that yet.) Some kids are motivated to learn how to read, but for others, it’s too much work to figure out. If reading is presented to this kind of child in an unstructured ‘guessing game,’ he’s not going to get it. And then later, when he realizes that being good at this game informs everything else he does, the anxiety sets in.

Perhaps there was an element of ‘luck’ to the record-breaking popularity of the bespectacled, black-haired boy dreamed up by children’s book author J.K. Rowling. After all, a lot of events had to fall magically in place before one small publisher finally decided to gamble on Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. Legend has it that the publisher decided to move forward with the book when his eight-year-old daughter read the first chapter and asked for more.

What fabulous luck!

So what does ‘luck’ look like to you? (For example, what does it mean when you say ‘just my luck’? Has something devastating—or spectacular—happened?) Behind every stroke of luck there is typically an iron-willed belief and a lot of hard work. And when these two get together, luck happens.

Alchemy, if you will.

Rowling describes her books as touching on religious themes—but not overtly. She is a master at telling a story that has multiple layers, but all she does is tell it like it is. Discovering the universal truths in her mythology is up to each of us to do for ourselves.

And when we do, we feel something.

The Harry Potter series weaves a golden thread of longing, hope, magic and love, beginning with The Boy Who Lived and not stopping until the end. There’s a lot of darkness in the series, too. This epic tale appeals to the hero inside of us—child and adult alike.

I asked one (young) reader what he liked so much about Harry Potter. His answer was simple: “J.K. Rowling is so creative.” But these words didn’t come close to expressing what was on the boy's face—the way it lapsed into a dreamy, far-away look at the mere mention of his beloved Harry. Now a college student, this young man has read the entire series at least 20 times.

I love what J.K. Rowling revealed in her interview with Oprah. At one point, Oprah asked Rowling if she ‘knew’ that ‘one day every child in the world will know his [Harry’s] name.’

This excerpt from the 10/3/2010 transcript of that interview is riveting:

Winfrey: But isn’t it interesting that in the first book, when Harry is being dropped-off at his uncle’s, it is predicted – ?

Rowling: One day every child in the world will know his name.

Winfrey: One day every child in the world will know his name.

Rowling: Well, the screenwriter –

Winfrey: So, didn’t you know?

Rowling: No.

Winfrey: Wasn’t there part of you –

Rowling: Part of me –

Winfrey: Subconsciously, that knew? Yes.

Rowling: I – I remember once and it was like – it was like – well, like – I’m going to call it clash – a flash of clairvoyance now. Obviously if it hadn’t come true it would just be some crazy thought I had. But I do remember one day, writing Philosopher’s Stone, I was walking away from the café where I’d been working on –

Winfrey: Philosopher’s Stone which became Sorcerer’s Stone.

Rowling: Which became Sorcerer’s Stone, exactly. So that’s the first novel. And I had this moment where I suddenly thought – It was like another voice speaking to me and the voice said “the difficult thing is going to get published. If it gets published it will be huge.”

Wow. Great insight. One that begs the question: If you are a writer, are you listening to the voice in your head? Is your heart telling you it’s a go? If so, now may be the time to follow Rowling’s lead and start creating your own luck.

Just make sure it’s the good kind.

Leave a comment! Share your thoughts about 'creating luck.'

A lot of people have one inside of them. A novel, I mean. They think about it, they tell people about it—they might even sit down and write a few pages. But why do so few actually finish writing a novel?

For starters, it’s a big job. And when you have a lot of other things to do, it’s easy to shove your book off to the side, to be written when you have more time.

But if you are able to save it for later, it’s probably not burning a hole inside of you. (And if that’s the case, ‘later’ might never come.) If your unwritten novel haunts you when you’re at work, if you’re developing plots at night before you fall asleep and you’re annoyed with yourself when you see a novel that you could have written hit the bookstores, perhaps it’s time to figure out what’s stopping you.

One way to make sure your novel stays where it is now—inside of you—is to tell everyone about it. While some of your friends will be staunch supporters, the people closest to you might feel threatened that you are branching out and trying something new. They might say things like this:

“You?”

Or: “Shouldn’t you start with a short story?”

Perhaps you have someone in your life who’s even more blunt:

“But you can’t write.”

Most likely, you know who these people are. And if you find yourself unable to resist sharing your enthusiasm with them, you may want to ask yourself why you are opening yourself up to their lack of faith in you. Could it be that they are mirroring something inside of you about your ability to do this? If so, be aware that you will continue to seek naysayers until you believe you can see this project through to the end.

If you need to confide in someone, choose somebody who has always been your champion. As for everybody else? Resist the temptation to share. That way, their negative vibes won’t bring you down.

If Phileas Fogg can get around the world in 80 days, you can certainly write a novel by then, too. Consider this: if you write 1,000 words a day, you will have completed your first draft of an 80,000 word novel (a good length for most debut novels) in less than three months. Writing for kids? You’ll be done in six weeks.

But maybe 1,000 words a day demands more resources than you have to spare. No worries. Cut it down to 500 words. Still too much? Shoot for 250. The point is, if you break it up into bite-sized chunks—whatever that means for you—it will be easier for you to set up a schedule and stick to it. By doing this, you'll end up with a completed novel, ready to pitch to agents in 2015.

Let your time with your book be your favorite part of the day. Look forward to it. Savor it while you are engaged in the work you ‘have’ to do. You will find that once you begin writing on a schedule, your novel will stop torturing you. Rather, you will find that the mere thought of it can buoy you up—even when other parts of your life are weighing you down.

Why not tackle this mountain with a climbing buddy? You probably have a friend who wants to write a novel, too. If not, I suspect you do have a friend who would be willing to hold you accountable, and perhaps even read chapters to give you feedback as you write.

Or maybe you feel as though you need a real taskmaster to help you get through this. For those of you who are tired of ‘wanting’ to write a book and ready to get it done, you might benefit from the upcoming National Novel Writing Month. NaNoWriMo is a non-profit organization that provides support for first-time novelists who are willing to commit the month of November to writing that first draft. On an international scale, you can join with other writers who are sick of hearing themselves talk and are ready to write—a whole book in 30 days. Through this organization, you can enjoy pep talks, inspirational stories, contests and forums, but most importantly, you can join thousands of new novelists who have decided that the time is now (or more precisely, November) to get that story written.

Ever hear about the legendary warrior who led his troops by sea onto enemy shores? When they reached land, he ordered them to burn their boats. Think about what it would take for you to embark on this adventure, with no turning back. Once you’ve written one novel, it’s a lot easier to write the second one, which is how most novelists turn writing stories into a career.

How about you? Do you have a novel inside of you? Tell us about it!

Let's say your main character is a kid who rode on your school bus when you were eight years old. Or, your main character is you when you were eight years old. But now you’re all grown up and this guy or gal is only in your head. Good character development gets these people out of your head and onto the page so they are no longer inside of you. By the time you type The End, your characters should belong to the world.

So how do you do that?

Start by re-introducing yourself to your long-ago friend. Sure you knew this kid twenty-five years ago, but that’s a long time. Remember, if you’re writing in the time-frame of your own childhood, that would be an historical novel. Maybe you wore neon orange and lime-green parachute pants as a kid, but make sure your characters dress the way kids do now.

And notice how confident elementary school children are today. They’ll say anything to anybody. Even to grown-ups (with whom they’ll be on a first-name basis). These kids tend to have a better idea of what they like—and don’t like—and they’re not shy about letting you know.

Today’s boys and girls are more likely to be best friends with each other than they were back then. They’re tech savvy, and they’re less likely to be playing jump-rope or monkeying around on jungle gyms.

And in what appears to be an evolution of consciousness, the children of today are more comfortable with talking about how they feel.

You want your readers to get to know your characters by what your characters say and do. Let’s say that you want to show the reader that your eight-year-old protagonist (Jason) is lacking confidence in his ability to swim.

Here are three ways you can handle that:


1)      You spell it out for your reader:

Jason hung back. He wasn’t a very good swimmer, and he always felt embarrassed when he thrashed his way across the pool.

2)      Jason tells them, but in case your reader misses it, you tell them, too:

“Hey, Jason! Come on in!”

“I can’t. I forgot my towel.” Jason had hoped that no one would notice that he wasn’t swimming.

3)      Let JASON show your readers how unsure he is:

Sam and Eddie dove into the deep end. The water was a shade darker—and colder, Jason thought—when the drain was so far down you could hardly see it. He grabbed a kickboard from the deck and jumped in.

"Look! I'm Eddie! I'm a big baby!" Jason held his nose with two fingers and began splashing his way across the pool. The spastic sound of his feet slapping the water trailed behind him, but all he cared about was the clock on the wall over the picnic tables. Two more minutes, and the lifeguard would blow the whistle for adult swim.

A general rule of thumb is this: when your character talks, the reader should know who’s doing the talking without any prompting from you. While this can’t be the case for every line (Wow! Cool!—all kids say that), it’s helpful to think about this ‘test’ as you’re writing dialog. Each character should have a unique voice. I recall reading a book one time and wondering why it wasn’t working for me. It wasn’t until after I had finished the whole thing that I realized all of the characters spoke in the same witty banter.

While there might be one quirky character in a book, they can’t all be. The others need to be something different to provide contrast.

Mostly because that’s how it is in real life. Everybody’s different. And in order to create a scenario that your readers can get lost in, they need to feel the way they do when they meet real people—interested, curious and wanting to know more.

So you’re ready to write that novel. It’s been festering in the back of your mind for weeks—or years—and something about this moment is making you say “It’s time.” Short of a professor who threatens you with an ‘F’ if you don’t turn it in, how do you make sure you get it done?


Join a writer’s group. Or start one.

It’s not easy to add one more commitment to a long list of things you have to do, but if you want to hold yourself accountable for writing a whole book, you’re going to need help.

You’re going to need about two hours a week to meet with your new group, and about ten hours a week to write your book. So where’s the time going to come from?

You need to quit something. And the first thing that’s gotta go is reading. Stop curling up with a juicy book. Quit your book club. Reading (a lot) is the key to becoming a good writer, but writing is more important for you now. (Besides, if you are a writer, you’ve probably already done a good job on the reading part.)

Think of it like this. If you were going to be a chocolate maker, you would need to sample a lot of chocolate. But at some point, you’ve got to stop eating chocolate and start making chocolate. Over-indulgence will make you sick. You’ll get frustrated by all of the bad chocolate out there and how you could do it better. And when you taste a heavenly bite? You’ll get depressed, wondering if you could ever be as good.

Sound familiar? If this is how you feel when you browse through a bookstore, it’s time to stop reading and start writing. When you’re deep into your novel, you can start reading again. That’s when reading becomes an education rather than a pastime.

One woman I talked to who joined (and quit) a writer's group said that nobody wanted to say anything bad about anybody’s writing.  She didn’t feel she was getting enough guidance. The group was too ‘nice.’

Mine wasn’t. My group was mean. And because of it, I have a much better novel. Finished and polished.

Make decisions about how you will all work as a group:

1. Each person in the group critiques the week’s chapter without interruption from the author. After each person is done, the author gets to ask questions. Encourage the author not to defend his or her writing. (They won’t be there to defend themselves when people read the book after it’s published. Might as well get used to it.)
2. Identify what’s working and what’s not. Pretend the author isn’t even there, so that each person can speak freely.
3. Warn all members that the goal of the writer’s group is to get published and that it might be difficult to sit through the criticism at times. But also let them know that if they stick with it, they will surprise themselves with how good their writing becomes—and how bad their early stuff was. (I can attest to this.) You can’t see it without help.

Talk to people you know. Most likely, there is another closet novelist in your office, school or neighborhood. But if not, go to www.meetup.com or www.craiglist.com —two great sources for finding like-minded individuals. And if you can’t generate local interest, go wide. You can hold your meetings via Skype or Google Hangouts.

Don’t worry about needing to find people who are writing in the same genre as you. A good book is a good book. The members of your new writer's group will have been voracious readers for years. They can help you identify qualities about any style of writing that are uniquely yours—the good, the bad and the ugly.

Writing for kids is easy. The words are short, the books are short—the readers are usually pretty short. They’ve got to be less discerning than adults, right?

If your book is about wizards, mean girls or vampires, you might have a shot at going viral with a mediocre tale. But don’t count on it. Children have a sensor inside of them that gravitates toward good writing. Well-written children’s books rise to the top. And although it might look like an author simply got lucky by thinking up a good story, if you were to deconstruct that story, you would find an intricate piece of work that took a lot of time, thought and false starts to write.

Children are people, too. Myths, archetypes and human struggles resonate with them as they do with us. Kids want to cry, laugh, side with the hero and imagine themselves in the situations they are reading about. If the language is trite or the plot is forced, nothing happens inside. Write for the heart and you’ve got something worth reading.

Harry Potter aside, children usually prefer to follow one story at a time. Subplots bore them. If they’re headed down one path, they don’t want to be taken down another. Adults are a little more patient with this. We like to savor our books, make them last. If we have twenty minutes before bedtime to read, we feel lucky.

Children inhale books. They want to get to the end, even if they’re having a good time on the way. If the hero is on the verge of discovery (or death, or losing some kind of conflict), it’s best to stay on that track.

And if you are going to introduce a subplot, that’s okay if it advances the action. Just make sure that it supports the hero’s journey and the arc of your story. And please make sure your side trip doesn’t include parents or teachers. There’s no getting around that one. Adults should be background noise at best in a book for kids. (Remember the adults in the Charlie Brown TV shows? All they ever said was “Wah, wah, wah.”)

Pick up any work of middle-grade fiction—Harry Potter aside—and you will find that most of them take place within a few days. Maybe a few weeks, but seldom will they span a year.  Kids have a limited view of the future. If something big is going to happen on Saturday, that’s about as far out as they can see.

Young readers are going to want to experience your hero’s day. A rock comes through the classroom window with a note attached to it. The new kid smells like a banana. A best friend’s desk is empty, and the teacher looks like she’s been crying. The math problem on the board is a string of mysterious—yet strangely familiar—numbers. A secret code, perhaps?

All of this needs to happen even before the bell rings for lunch.

It goes without saying that a kid’s book should move along at a pretty good clip, Harry Potter aside. (Sure, the Potter books move. But they also spend a lot of time meandering in the halls, the cafeteria and out on the school grounds.)  Keeping the pace up is not always easy to do. There’s backstory that needs to be established, locales to describe, and characters to introduce.

Try doing it with dialog.

Kids love when the characters talk to each other.  How to talk like a kid is a topic for another day, but dialog is a great way to fill in the gaps and keep the story moving at the same time.

Be careful with this. Using dialog to clue the reader in can backfire if it’s too obvious:

“My parents told me they’re getting divorce and I have to go live with my dad. He’s moving to Chicago, so I have to start at a new school. I’m really bummed.” Alexander kicked at a pebble with his toe. He didn’t look up, but he knew that Casey was staring at him.

Now take a look at a more natural unfolding:

Alexander kicked at a pebble with his toe. “I’m not coming back next year,” he said.

“Why not?” Casey asked.

“Because my mom and dad are stupid.” Alexander wondered if Casey had heard that his parents were splitting up.

You may have heard that good dialog sounds the way people really talk. Well, it doesn’t. In real life, people aren’t that clever. And articulate. And they’re not always telling a story, which is a role you can never break when you are writing one. Good dialog is a delicate balance between sounding natural and moving the story along.

The Harry Potter series violates almost every rule for writing a good children’s book. Genius is like that sometimes. If you have a genius inside of you, throw the rulebook away and follow your muse.