 ASK MOM: My Son is Rude to Me
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson Read More ASK MOM advice in Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine THE PROBLEM: I’ve gotten into this weird dynamic with my kid. The bottom line is, he’s rude to me and I can’t do anything about it. Even though he’s only 9, he acts like he’s 16. When I tell him to put something away, he’ll say “You do it.” If I ask him to help me with something, he’ll say, “Do I have to?” (Of course I say YES.) I’ll ask him if he wants something to eat and he’ll just ignore me. Believe me, I tell him EVERY TIME his behavior isn’t acceptable (and why), but nothing changes. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but the way he treats me is making me feel bad about myself, even though I’m supposed to be the one in charge. Any ideas? MARY SAYS: “He’s rude to me and I can’t do anything about it.” Yes, you can—and for both of your sakes, you must. You’ve tried multiple approaches that haven’t worked, so may I suggest a new one for you to try? Be assured, 9-year-old children are still coachable. They want to please, even though right now, it appears your son wants to annoy, even injure you. In his way, he’s trying to show you who’s boss, and if you let him, he will. But he’s too young to be in charge, so what exactly is going on here? While 9-year-olds still look—and for the most part act—like children, it’s a big year for hormonal activity, a precursor to what will be more visible in a few years. As you well know, hormones send conflicting messages to all of us at specific life stages (and cycles), but it can be particularly confusing for a child the age of your son. Have you ever felt ‘hormonal’? Most likely, your son is feeling that way quite a bit of the time; all the more reason to address his rudeness now. His attitude toward you will only escalate as he grows, which can have more serious repercussions. (NOTE: If this behavior has had a sudden onset or is extremely out of character for your son, please seek professional help.) When your son is rude to you, call him on it. No lectures, preaching, or correcting. Set the expectation that his word is his bond, and you expect him to stand by what he says. The next time you ask him to put away his sneakers and he says, “You do it,” you say something like this: YOU: “Excuse me?” HIM: “You do it.” YOU: “Can you repeat that, please?” HIM: “You do it.” YOU: “Come over here please and repeat that.” HIM: (By now, you will notice a slight flagging in confidence.) “You do it.” YOU: “Look me in the eye and say it again.” HIM: (Here is where his better judgement might kick in and it ends. But let’s say it doesn’t.) “You do it.” YOU: “Explain that to me, please. You’re telling me to do what?” HIM: “Put my sneakers away.” YOU: “You expect me to put your sneakers away?” HIM: “Yes.” YOU: “How about if you take some time in your room and think about what you’re asking me to do. When you’re ready, I’m willing to listen to what you have to say about it.” You can use this dialog in almost any scenario, but the key is to use it in EVERY scenario. Don’t let a single rude comment slide. (If nothing else, he’ll get tired of how much time it takes to be rude!) Starting now, shift the responsibility of reflecting on his behavior off of you and onto him. You can do this, Mom! Besides communicating zero tolerance for rude behavior, you will model for your son how to set boundaries when people mistreat you. And this, of course, will have a positive impact on how you feel about yourself. Teaching your child to read this summer? Try our easy online phonics program! KRISTY SAYS: I have so many unanswered questions about this dynamic. How much screen time does your son get for T.V. shows, video games, apps, school, etc.? Does he behave this way toward anyone else, or just you? Does he have any developmental challenges? Is there a time of day when he backtalks more? It's clear you’re not in charge and your son’s attitude is running the show. I’m sorry it’s hitting your self-esteem, but it’s important not to let it get to you personally. Kids like to push boundaries. Apparently, you've never set a hard boundary about talking respectfully. While you may talk to him a lot about his behavior, what do you do about meting out consequences when he crosses a boundary or offering positive reinforcement when he gets it right? Natural consequences are great for these behaviors. If he doesn’t respond to you when you offer him food, don’t make him anything. Sit down and eat your meal without him if you must. When he’s hungry and comes around later asking about it, you can say something like, “Oh, I didn’t know you were hungry. When I asked you about it earlier, you ignored me. I assumed that meant you weren’t hungry. You may make yourself a sandwich if you’d like something to eat. I’ve already cleaned up dinner.” Try a different approach when it comes to chores, one that might catch him off guard. Instead of directly telling him to do something, you can say something like, “it’s almost time to clean up. What would you like to do after we’re done putting things away?” or “I’ll work on the kitchen. Would you like to pick up your room or the living room right now?” He may come up with some retort, but it’s important to be firm. I have a saying with my kids, “We are a family, and we work together.” When they come at me with snarky comments or whine about cleanup time, I remind them that when we work together it gets done faster, and we have more time for the things we love to do. Taking control of the situation can look something like this: “I can see you’re having a tough time being respectful. Why don’t you take a break in your room for 10 minutes and read a book until you can come back with a better attitude.” You could also try saying, “I love you too much to argue.” I learned this when my oldest was around 4 and would sometimes yell “no” at me. If I asked him to clean his room or pick up his clothes, and he responded with “no,” I would calmly say, “I love you too much to argue.” I would also repeat it over and over until he got up and begrudgingly did his chore. Another option is to institute an attitude jar. You have one jar at the start of the day filled with marbles. You have a second, empty jar. Each time your child gives you ‘attitude,’ you move one marble from the full jar to the empty jar. If he responds to you politely, move a marble back. (Ask him to help you by pointing it out if you forget to notice!) Then choose a number. Let’s say, if fewer than 10 marbles are in the jar at the end of the day, your son gets a reward. Maybe it’s a few extra minutes of video games or a special treat. The next day, empty the attitude jar and start again. The goal is to reward him for being courteous without expecting perfection. It’s important to remember that kids are on their worst behavior when they feel the safest. Think about it, he’s at school all day trying to sit still, be polite, and act perfectly. But we all know that kids mess up. When he’s home, he knows he’s safe. It’s clear you’re a good mom, and with the right approach, you can bring balance back to your parent-child relationship. ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you’re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn’t around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we’d love to hear from you! askmomyourquestion@gmail.com Read more ASK MOM advice.
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 Daughter Too Shy to Speak Up
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine THE PROBLEM: I am worried about my 6-year old daughter who always ‘hangs back’ whenever other kids are in the room. When someone brings a new game or toy on the scene, the other kids pounce on it, but my daughter steps away and starts twirling her hair. I’m worried she’s not assertive enough. Sometimes I think she’s just letting other kids go first, rather than pushing her way in. She also hesitates to answer questions, even simple ones, like “how old are you”? I’m not saying this is a big deal, but I wonder if there are techniques I can use to help her to ‘jump in’ more easily. MARY SAYS: While there might be something to your concern, keep in mind that children develop at their own pace. What you’re observing in your daughter might be a perfectly healthy response to something new. She’s trying to assess an unfamiliar situation before deciding how she wants to approach it. If only more people would exercise such discernment! But since it’s a good idea for children to learn how to speak up for what they want, try new things, and stand up for themselves, you might want to offer her some guidance when you see her hesitate more than usual, especially if she is being targeted in any way, such as excluded from an activity or allowing other children to take toys away from her. The first step is awareness. Does your daughter even recognize what’s going on? Rather than intervene by telling your daughter to ask for her toy back, talk to her privately. Ask her how she felt when Nellie borrowed her jump rope and didn’t let her get in line for a turn. You might be surprised at the response you get, ranging from “It made me feel like they don’t like me” to “I love watching them! I’m getting to know all the rhymes by heart.” Now you might be thinking, “If my daughter really loves watching the kids play with her jump rope without her, she’s putting quite a spin on things. People are going to walk all over her.” Not so. Everybody has a spin, and a core tenet of happiness is to develop a habit of spinning your view of reality to something positive. After all, what’s true here? That the children don’t like your daughter, or that she loves watching them? We can never really know what someone is thinking. Not your daughter’s thoughts, nor those of the other children. If you start asking your daughter how she feels after these incidents, you might find that you're more upset than she is. Although it’s okay to suggest she speak up or jump in, be careful not to encourage her to experience the situation the way you do. Then again, perhaps she is upset. Maybe she does feel left out or too shy to speak up. Here’s where roleplay comes in. The next time she tells you she wanted to say something but didn’t, get all the details. Who was there? (Maggie and Danielle) What were they talking about? (Disneyland) What did you want to say about it? (I’ve been to Disneyland.) Why didn’t you? (I was too scared.) Once you’ve got the picture, reenact the conversation. First, you play your daughter and let her be Maggie or Danielle. Then, switch—let your daughter be herself, and you have fun pretending to be both Maggie and Danielle. Giggles are good! One key to assertiveness is not to take oneself too seriously—or take things too personally. Make it a habit to have these dialogs on a regular basis. Because your daughter is young, she will naturally incorporate what she practices into who she is. No need to keep telling her she should speak up or assert herself. As long as you keep your ‘game’ going, she will learn to step in when she wants to and hang back when she doesn’t. Teaching your child to read this summer? Try our easy online phonics program! KRISTI SAYS: As adults, we tend to elevate certain traits above others. We do it in the workplace, in business, and unfortunately even in our own homes. A person with a type-A personality in business is perceived as a greater asset than the quiet leaders who can run corporate empires. As a result, when we see our children lack their own assertive nature, we start to think that maybe their future won’t be as bright. We imagine that they won’t have as many friends or won’t stand up for themselves when necessary. Every child has a unique personality. Some will barrel their way into a situation, and you can’t help but notice them. Others are the beautiful wallflowers content to let others go first and jump in when they feel ready. There is nothing wrong with either of these kids. You mentioned that you’re worried because she hangs back around other children, but if she eventually gets in there, I wouldn’t worry a bit. Your daughter is 6, she is still learning how to interact with other children and adults. I’ve mentioned in previous posts that my daughter is also very shy. She is learning to be more assertive—although mostly with her brothers. She gets nervous when there are a lot of kids around. She’s learned to tell me, “Mom, I’m feeling shy,” when she is in a situation where she needs a little encouragement. I tell her that even when she feels shy, she can be brave and get in on the fun with the other kids. And when she does, she beams with excitement and pride. She’ll tell me later, “mom, I was so brave when I played with those other kids.” My advice to you is to let your daughter navigate these things her way. When she steps out of her comfort zone, even in tiny ways, cheer her on. If you want to work on helping her step out, make it casual, “Hey, I noticed when those other kids were playing today you stayed near the wall for a while.” She might respond and tell you what was up and if she doesn’t, follow-up with a question like, “Were you feeling shy?” or “Were you too nervous to play?” Tell her that those feelings are normal, and that it’s hard sometimes to know what to do when other kids are running in and rushing around. Encourage her to be brave. I think your daughter is observing everything around her. She’s taking in how to play with the new toy and how the other kids behave. She is learning, and that’s amazing. Give her encouragement, give her praise, but don’t worry too much about whether or not she’s as assertive as the other kids. She’ll find her way with your continued love and support. ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you’re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn’t around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we’d love to hear from you! askmomyourquestion@gmail.com Read more ASK MOM advice. 
Is My Kid Faking It?
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine THE PROBLEM: I’m beginning to worry about how often my son misrepresents things (he’s 9). I don’t mean he outright lies, but he’ll have these full-blown excuses about why he can’t do something, and I can’t tell if it’s real or not. The worst is when he gets ‘sick.’ He gets stomachaches, headaches, earaches—anything to get out of going to school, especially when they started going back in after a year of online. He’ll look miserable, but he gets a whole lot better as soon as I let him stay home. And of course, he COULD actually be sick, but I can’t tell when it’s real and when it isn’t. I’m getting this with homework (teacher never assigned it), low test scores (test was stuff the teacher didn’t cover), and other things. My husband gets mad at him when he starts making excuses, but I keep finding myself trying to believe him. I’m not sure where to go from here. MARY SAYS: No two ways about it…the pandemic has been tough on our children. It sounds like your son might be acting out, possibly because he still feels weighed down by what he’s had to struggle through during the past year. While your son may have demonstrated these tendencies before, please be understanding if they appear to have gotten worse in recent months. Which doesn’t mean you’ll want to ignore his tactics and hope they’ll simply go away. They won’t, especially if they work. Your husband may be onto something when he challenges your son’s excuses, but perhaps there is a kinder way to hold your son accountable, rather than resorting to anger. Although you say you are having difficulty discerning when your son is telling the truth, perhaps you are purposefully not trying hard enough. Many parents are giving their children extra leeway in an effort to ease the stress their children have been under. (Sounds like a good idea to me!) That said, it’s okay to reset some of those old, pre-pandemic expectations, since many locales are opening up, and a lot of children are able to spend time with friends again. Life bounces back to ‘normal’ fairly quickly for kids when their environment once again feels safe. When your son presents you with an excuse or an ailment, ask for specifics. Let him tell you the WHOLE story, every detail. A fake story will fall down pretty quickly when you start asking questions; kids have a tough time holding a consistent thread when left to their imaginations. If he ‘never got the homework assignment,’ tell him to fetch his assignment book and show you. If ‘the teacher didn’t cover a test topic,’ have him sit beside you while you write an email to said teacher, asking for clarification. A stomachache that requires him to stay home? What does it feel like? When did it start? How bad does it hurt, on a scale of 1-10? If he’s convincing enough, it’s either a day in bed (no video games) or a day in school. Which does he choose? In other words, hold him accountable for what he tells you. Express to him that you’ve had doubts about his honesty lately, but you are willing to listen—and to trust. Remind him that his words are powerful, and that you expect him to stand behind what he says. If he’s having trouble facing up to his responsibilities, you’re there to help, not to condemn. Once he knows you’re on his side, he will more likely share what’s really on his mind. Together, you can work through the issue, and with your help, he will learn to face what’s bothering him rather than hide behind excuses. KRISTI SAYS: It’s great that you’re choosing to give your child the benefit of the doubt. I know he will appreciate that as he grows up. It’s hard to know when to believe our kids and let them stay home and when to make them just go anyway. When I was younger there were days when I just didn’t feel great. I would have a headache, or stomachache, or I felt exhausted. It was nothing major most of the time, but I didn’t feel up to going to school. I remember trying to fake a fever so I could stay home. Fortunately, fever or not, my mom would let me stay home and rest most of the time. There are many reasons why your child might not feel up to going to school. It doesn’t mean he’s faking it. Rather, he’s trying to communicate in the best way he knows how. As adults we can simply take a “mental health day” and call in to work. Kids don’t get that option. Somehow, they have to validate what they are feeling by pretending to be sick so they can get what they need. Concluding a year of attending school online means your son could be experiencing just about anything that makes him want to stay home. Here are some reasons for you to consider: Bullying Kids who are being bullied often experience stomachaches, headaches, and racing pulses. If your child is experiencing bullying, he may truly feel unwell. He may also be too afraid to communicate it to you, especially if the bullying is from a teacher. My kindergarten teacher was an abusive teacher. No lie, she eventually got caught and went to prison for it. Once, I watched her slam a child’s head against a window because he stepped out of line. It was terrifying to live in fear that I would be next. Tired I know I get tired sometimes as an adult. I may toss and turn at night, and I wake up feeling groggy. All I want to do is go back to bed. Children experience this, too. Bad dreams can wake them in the night and the next morning they are exhausted, don’t feel good, but they aren’t exactly sick. Undiagnosed Food Sensitivities Food allergies and food sensitivities can impact children in different ways. My son’s dairy allergy left him with extreme constipation, which caused stomachaches. (It took months to figure out what was going on.) Once we removed dairy products from his diet, he slept better, felt better, and had more energy. If you think this might be the case, take your son in for allergy testing with an experienced pediatric allergist. Prefers Being at Home After several months of being home, your son may simply like being at home more than he likes being at school. Home is a source of safety and comfort. Most children know they are loved and cared for at home. For some children, this year’s schooling at home was much more relaxed than many classrooms are right now. While it may feel like he’s faking it, it’s more likely your son is using the only thing he knows to do to communicate to you. It’s important to ask gentle probing questions to help you learn more about what’s going on. You can start with, “I’ve noticed you haven’t been feeling well a lot lately. What’s it like at school? What makes it hard to feel up to going? Is there someone making you feel bad at school?” Open-ended questions are better than yes/no questions. The issue with not wanting to do chores or homework sounds normal to me. My middle child makes excuses EVERY time I ask her to do something. There is always an excuse. Right now, I ask her to do one simple task at a time. If her room is messy, I give her a bag, and she starts with trash. If she needs to complete schoolwork, I ask her to do one thing and then she gets a break. When my kids were in public school, I would always check my son’s backpack for homework. Most of the time he would tell me he didn’t have any. While I don’t think your son is faking it, I think that there is definitely more going on here. Keep believing him, which helps to build trust. Start asking gentle questions to discover what’s really underlying his desire to avoid school. You’ll get through this. ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you’re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn’t around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we’d love to hear from you! askmomyourquestion@gmail.com Read more ASK MOM advice. 
Terrified of Kids Online
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine THE PROBLEM: There are some kids (boys and girls) who are picking on my daughter, mostly online. I’m physically sick about it. I know this is supposed to be about my daughter, but I don’t know how to deal with the situation. It’s like these otherwise decent kids have turned into one big monster. I’m terrified of them, and I’m the grownup! Needless to say, my daughter is devastated. Her pain is beyond what I can describe. They’ve given her a code name so they can talk freely about her and act like it’s not a real person. The worst part is, it all started when my daughter didn’t text another girl back for a couple of days, and the girl decided to cut her off. For this minor infraction—my daughter didn’t even see the text—she’s now going to have scars for the rest of her life. I need some ideas but I don’t know where to turn. MARY SAYS: This is one of the toughest issues to respond to. Social media has created a virtual “Lord of the Flies” mentality where kids are in charge, and it’s frightening. Seemingly ‘good’ kids morph into children we hardly recognize. (Given a few more years to mature, they probably wouldn’t recognize themselves, either.) Hidden behind the curtain of online platforms, kids are trying to impress their peers; control someone who is more vulnerable; or exact revenge, often times with little understanding of the long-term impact on their victims—and themselves. You are clearly a caring parent who sees how lovable your daughter is. Unfortunately, at her age, it can be challenging for her to see how lovable she is. Add to that the abuse she is suffering at the hands of so-called friends, and I imagine her ability to draw on her own power has been severely compromised. While there is a lot of advice online that addresses cyberbullying (helpful resources, btw, please check them out), I’m going to offer a different way to think about this. What if, in an ideal world, any one of us could read something negative about ourselves online, and it didn’t hurt? What if we were immune to external judgments and created a habit of looking inside to determine how we felt about ourselves? After all, online shaming doesn’t necessarily end at graduation, does it? Developing an internal sense of one’s own superhero status would be a desirable character trait to develop as soon as possible. Yeah, right, you might be thinking. Great idea. But how do you become your own superhero? Especially if you’re at such an awkward age and your self-esteem has bottomed out? To be honest, the first step is hard. Before one can see the superhero in themselves, they must see it in all human beings, which won’t be an easy thing to do, given your daughter’s current life experience. This is where you come in. By engaging in the following exercise, you can help your daughter develop a fresh perspective on her world and the people in it. Start by encouraging your daughter to find superheroes everywhere she goes. Make it a scavenger hunt! The postwoman, the bank clerk, the kid who rings up your M&M’s at a local convenient store. Tell your daughter she will find superheroes in everybody’s eyes; all she has to do is look. The good news is, when you do this simple exercise, it boomerangs. Each time your daughter looks at someone as though they were special, those eyes will look back at her in the same way—looking past the exterior, into the heart of who she really is. NO ONE can resist the pull of that kind of human response. True power comes from opening one’s heart to the possibility of love wherever you go. Once your daughter gets used to seeing others in this new light, she will begin to see it in herself. Encourage her to stare in the mirror and really look for the fascinating human being in there. (Try it yourself—you’ll see! In fact, you may want to start with your daughter’s tormenters, which will help ease your fear of them. You don’t need to do this in person—just picture it.) Your daughter’s light will shine wherever she goes, but only if you shut down the computer and actually go somewhere. The best thing you can do for your daughter right now is encourage her to engage in real-world activities. Thankfully, groups are getting together again after our year of isolation, so there are many, many places—theater groups, camps, martial arts studios, volunteer organizations—for your daughter to make the world—and herself—blindingly bright. Teaching your child to read this summer? Try our easy online phonics program! KRISTI SAYS: Online bullying is a terrible thing. It causes so much damage that can take years to reverse. Kids hide behind their screens writing the most horrific things and sadly, many get away with it. The good news is that you know it’s happening and can do something about it. The bad news is, your daughter is hurting and even you are feeling overwhelmed by the situation. It’s hard to imagine a world where people would say or do these things to people face-to-face. When I was in junior high school, a group of girls bullied me incessantly. It started when they told me there was a boy who liked me, and it escalated from there. Newsflash, he didn’t; the girls had set me up. I remember running to the bathroom in tears just to hide from them—I wanted to die. Then, they went so far as to make death threats against me. When my mom finally figured out what was going on, she contacted the school. Let’s just say, after the administration had a talk with those girls, they never bothered me again. Some of them wouldn’t even look at me for fear of what would happen if they were even suspected of being mean to me. Let’s call this “picking on” your daughter thing what it really is. It’s harassment and bullying, and something needs to be done about it. Many schools have policies that penalize students for harassing and bullying other students. And while you say they’ve given her a “nickname,” there is most likely evidence she is the one they’re talking about. I know you feel overwhelmed and have no clue what to do, but there are steps you can take to protect your daughter from further psychological harm. If you know the parents of these kids, it might be a good idea to sit down and have a conversation with them. Take your emotions out of it as best as possible and do your best to express that you assume the best of their kids. Realize that kids can get caught up in the moment online without understanding the impact of what they are saying and doing. Then show them the messages. If nothing happens—or the parents get angry at you—take the next steps. Contact the school. Sit down with an administrator and show him or her the messages. Again, do your best to express that you think the kids are good kids, just getting caught up in what the group is doing. If the administrators do nothing about it, the matter could become a police level issue depending on the severity of the bullying. As a last resort, take your daughter out of school. Send her to a different one or homeschool her, at least for a while. Your daughter’s mental health is far more important than staying in the situation and ‘muscling’ through. Remove access to her social media profiles temporarily while you both seek counseling and a resolution for this abuse. While this sounds harsh, her access to reading these things online can have devastating effects. You have power, Mama. You can do the right thing by your daughter, and while you may feel scared of these kids, you have nothing to fear. Your daughter is relying on you to help. Take it one step at a time and do the hard things necessary to protect your daughter from further harm. If you want to teach your child to read but don't know how, try our easy online reading program. ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you’re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn’t around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we’d love to hear from you! askmomyourquestion@gmail.com 
My Son Can't Control Himself
Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson THE PROBLEM: Since my son was little, he’s had a tendency to blurt things out and randomly do odd things. I thought he would outgrow it, but he’s in fourth grade and nothing has changed. It’s like he doesn’t have any filters, where he can take a moment before doing something and consider how people will react. For example, his class was having a little celebration, so they were all wearing hats they made. As soon as he put his on, he stepped in the trash can and started neighing like a horse. (I get embarrassed even writing this.) He has friends, so it’s not like he’s ostracized or anything, but I’m afraid this kind of behavior could backfire on him at any moment. I wish I knew how to help him control himself better. MARY SAYS: Our kids are like that, aren’t they? Living in the moment, expressing themselves, loving who they are. That is, if we’re lucky, and it sounds as though you are. Your son is at an age where he can still act silly if he wants to. He’s pushing the perimeter of childhood, enjoying it as long as he can. Please let him. Because indeed, it’s almost over. In about a year, a high degree of self-awareness will kick in for your high-spirited fourth grader. Fifth graders can come down pretty hard on classmates who act immature—even a little bit. He’ll be wearing a paper hat, singing a ditty in art class, or making animal noises at a party and bam! Some kid will cast him a disdainful look, a look he’ll never forget. I understand, Mom. You want to keep your son from getting that ‘look.’ You want to protect him from being shamed and experiencing an abrupt end to his little boy-ness. But you can’t, nor is it recommended that you do. Your son’s ability to maintain friendships tells me he is more tuned-in than you give him credit for. He is learning in ‘real-life’ school how to negotiate relationships—when to kid around, and when to back off. At his age, it’s a process of trial and error, which never really ends, right? If you artificially introduce rules to correct his behavior, his natural ability to incorporate feedback could be compromised. Rather than confidently reading verbal and physical cues from his friends, teachers, and as he grows, significant others and work colleagues, he will doubt his own ability to respond appropriately. Let the teacher tell him it’s not okay to stand in the trash can. Let his friends show him they aren’t comfortable when he talks too loudly or stands too close. It sounds as though he is surrounded by people who will do that for him in a loving way—because they pretty much like him the way he is. That’s not to say you shouldn’t be on the alert for more extreme behaviors. If your son is consistently acting in inappropriate ways—and starting to put people off—you might want to solicit advice from the people who know him best: his teachers, a trusted friend, or even the school counselor. I can’t quite tell from your description whether or not others have expressed concern about your son’s behavior, which is an extremely important piece of information that could determine whether or not you should intervene. Want to teach your child to read this summer? Take advantage of our Memorial Day sale—25% off Teach Your Child to Read™ ends June 13. KRISTY SAYS: There are two ways to look at this problem. Either your son is the class clown who loves to be impulsive and silly, or he has a genuine behavior problem. He’s still a child, a boy child at that. Kids’ brains are still developing, and they can’t fully self-regulate until they are much older. Boys’ brain development in this area tends to be slower than girls. Boys also will often have more energy and the capacity to do things that make you stop and say, “WOOOOOOW.” My youngest is a lot like this. He’s four and gets a twinkle in his eye when he’s up to something. He does silly things just to get our attention, and if I’m honest, it works. One day he dumped the dog’s food bowl and wore it as a hat. Another day, he jumped in a mud puddle and pretended he was a fish. One time, he ran under the table when I dropped him off with the other kids. He wasn’t scared, he just thought it was funny. He’s fun, likeable, and I’m sure his antics will one day go a little too far. I have to remember he’s a child, and I can’t expect grown-up behavior from him. But I can teach him when not to do off-the-wall things. Honestly, some days I cringe when we go somewhere nice like church and think to myself “please don’t roll around in the mud wearing your Sunday best.” And other times, I quietly laugh at the sheer joy of his unfettered exuberance for life. It sounds like you’re more embarrassed by his antics than anyone else. To me, it seems like he’s showing off, being funny, and getting some relatively positive reactions when he does. While stepping in the trash can is ridiculous and a little gross, it’s hardly something to be worried about. His social life isn’t being hindered, and as long as he’s not otherwise disruptive, don’t worry about what others think. In this situation, if I had been there, I would simply redirect his behavior and say something like, “This is a trash can, not a toy, please pretend you’re a horse without hopping in the garbage.” I would then leave him to be silly—without the trash can. If your son does something completely inappropriate and outlandish, it’s important to correct him in the moment. If he decides to shove his whole hand in Grandma’s cake at her 80th birthday party, take him aside and calmly ask him about what he did. Try not to let your frustration, embarrassment, or anger show through. Discuss why he did it, what he was thinking before he did it, and how he can make it right—if possible. Explain that there is a difference between being genuinely silly, like at the class celebration, and being disruptive or destructive. Tell him you’d like to see him stop and count to ten the next time he wants to do something silly. You’d like him to ask himself: “Is this just silly, or could this break or ruin something for someone else?” Take some time at home after an incident to do a little role playing to help him internalize and remember these things. Give him some scenarios that are merely silly and ones where something or someone could be harmed. At the end of the day, it’s okay to let him be silly. Who knows? He might have a future as a comedian. Your role as a parent is to help him learn the difference between actions that are harmless and fun versus ones that are destructive or damaging. His filter will improve as he grows. ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you’re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn’t around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we’d love to hear from you! askmomyourquestion@gmail.com Read more ASK MOM advice. Memorial Day SALE—25% off Teach Your Child to Read™ ends June 13. 
Afraid My Baby Will Grow Up Like Me
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine THE PROBLEM: My childhood was the kind you want to forget. (Abuse, neglect, you name it.) I’ve been able to escape it, and by some miracle, I married a nice guy who treats me completely differently. Without going into detail, I still suffer residual fears, depression, and anxiety about what happened to me. It’s hard to describe, but it feels like my trauma is part of who I am. A few months ago, we had a beautiful baby daughter, and I cried when I saw how pure she was. I am terrified I will ruin her, and she will become just like me. I almost feel like she was born under an unlucky star to have me as a mother! I am desperate to not feel like this for my daughter’s sake. Please help. MARY SAYS: You may find this hard to believe, but many new mothers feel the way you do, even if they’ve never been through the kind of abuse you’ve experienced. You are embarking on a journey you’ve never taken before, and the roadmap isn’t entirely clear. GPS? Not a chance. And this isn’t just any old journey—it’s a critical one. Raising a child is scary, full of unknowns, and backed by a sure-fire guarantee you’ll make mistakes. Who wouldn’t have at least a little self-doubt? In your case, you’ve attached your feelings of inadequacy to the neglect you experienced as a child. I can assure you, the moms you met in your birthing class (and the ones you’re going to meet in playgroups, school activities, and in your neighborhood) all have their own version of why they feel insecure about how they’re doing as parents. But that doesn’t make how you feel any less real, or what happened to you any less painful. So, let’s start with what we already know about you. Even though it’s common for abused children to grow into adults who seek the same, you’ve broken that mold by choosing a husband who respects you. And despite being raised by people who were unable to offer you a loving home, you are determined to figure out how to provide one for your daughter. But what I love most is how you were moved to tears by your daughter’s “purity.” You wouldn’t be able to see that purity in your daughter if you didn’t somehow recognize it in yourself. It’s almost impossible for we humans to project an emotion we don’t somehow experience inside. What your eyes are seeing is coming straight from your heart. It’s that sweetness inside of you that will be your guide—if you let it. Do continue to address your feelings of unworthiness (if possible, with the help of a therapist), but give yourself more time to get used to being a mom. As your relationship with your daughter develops, your confidence will grow. Along with the mistakes you make, you will find joy, learning, and a special intimacy only the two of you will share. You are exactly the right person to be your daughter’s mother, and she is very, very lucky to belong to you. Interested in Teaching your child to read at home? Try our online phonics program. KRISTI SAYS: First of all, the trauma you experienced was not your fault. It wounded you and caused you so much pain and heartache. That type of trauma takes a lot of time and professional help to heal from. Hopefully, raising your daughter in a healthy home will aid you in the healing process. What if instead of fearing she becomes like you in a bad way, you look at all the positive ways she could be like you? Your trauma led you to desire a different life for yourself and your children. You chose a good man who treats you and your daughter well, and that is truly something to celebrate! Many women do the opposite and end up in situations like the ones they grew up in. That trauma is repeated in their children’s lives and the cycle continues. From the sound of it, that is not the case here. You have developed strength and resilience through the years, so if your daughter is like you, she will be strong, determined, and level-headed. She will make great choices in life no matter what happens to her. She will love others with a fierce, passionate love that brings her to tears, just like you experienced when you first saw her. We moms experience so many fears. Before I had my first son, I was terrified he would walk in front of a car. I would feel so much panic when he got old enough to walk, especially if we were near cars. When he ran ahead in a parking lot one day, I yelled and raced toward him, in a panic because I was so gripped with fear. My heart was racing and my imagination was running through all the things that could’ve happened if he had been hit. I find that when my fears get ahead of me, I need to focus on the things that are true and good in that moment. I also need to make sure the words I speak about my children’s lives are positive and don’t leave me feeling more scared. Flip the script your fears are telling you. Then, find something new to declare over your daughter’s life and yours. A declaration is something you want to see in the future. If she is going to be like you, pick the best parts you want her to be. Our words have power. When we say and think certain things enough, we start to believe them and act accordingly. Declare something like this: My daughter is a wonderful gift. I am so thankful for her. Her dad and I are not like my parents. She is in a healthy environment where she will learn how to love others and handle conflict in a healthy way. She will be like me. She will choose to be around people that lift her up and don’t tear her down. She will be kind, compassionate, loving, and good. No bad thing will harm her the way I was harmed. Use this declaration when your fears attack you. As for your own emotional state, post-partum is a challenging time and can increase depression and anxiety. It’s okay to seek out counseling for those issues. There is hope for recovery from trauma with the right approach. Your daughter is truly blessed to have you as her mom. Don’t let your fears lead you to believe anything else. ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you’re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn’t around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we’d love to hear from you! askmomyourquestion@gmail.com Read more ASK MOM advice. 
Chapter 12 The Letter Misty never did write that letter, but you’re not going to believe what happened after she left. Keep in mind, I’m writing really fast. Out my bedroom window I see the moving van in the driveway, and my mom’s mad at me for sleeping late. You would’ve, too, if you had spent the day running back and forth between centuries,I’m tempted to tell her. So I don’t have time for this, but I need to get it down before I lose it. You’re gonna die when you find out what I’ve got on my dresser—I’m looking at it right now. But I’m getting ahead of myself. It’s just that I can’t stand knowing the rest of the story when you don’t. After Misty and Lizbet leave, I’m standing there in my playhouse, feeling worse than I’ve ever felt in my life. I can’t hardly look at Lizbet’s cradle. Misty’s sleeping bag is bunched up on the floor. She’s gone, and I’m like: There goes the best friend I’ll ever have. Then I think about the letter. I go to the shed and get the garden shovel with the pink flowers on it, the one I used to dig up the stones back before I met Misty. I’m wondering about a million things. Did Lizbet make it? How did Misty explain the oranges to her parents? Did everybody live happily ever after? I have all these questions nagging at me, and it feels funny that the only thing I’ll ever know is what Misty chooses to tell me. I get to the tree. The hole I dug on the day I first found the stones is filled in, but I can see where it was. Good thing the moon is bright, because it’s creepy out here. Imagine being by yourself in your yard, after midnight, which I’m pretty sure it is. Seriously, close your eyes and try it. If you’re any good at it, the hair on the back of your neck will stand up, and you’ll be looking behind you all the time like a spaz, which is what I’m doing now. I try not to think about the spot that Lizbet’s pa dug for her grave. (Even worse, wondering if she’s in there.) It’s right behind me as I dig, and I feel it like a living, breathing thing at my back. You can probably guess, I’m digging fast. Pretty soon, I’ve got the wooden box in my hand—I didn’t cover it up too good when I threw it back in the hole. Dig deep, Diamond. Of course, Misty would bury that letter way deeper than the box, to make sure I find the stones first. Just think if I had found the letter before I found the stones. The whole thing would have turned out different. Now I’m wondering if there would have been a letter if I hadn’t found those stones. I’m making myself crazy trying to figure it all out, so I tell myself to shut up. Shut up, Diamond. Just dig. I keep on until my shovel clangs on something hard. Now’s the part where I have to dig around the thing to get it out, which takes a long time. Turns out, it’s a saltine cracker tin. I look inside, and I see something packed in there. Surprise number one: whatever it is, it’s packed in the grocery bag that Misty carried the oranges in. Cool. I take the package out. Inside the grocery bag is an envelope, with a wax seal on the flap. There’s something else, too, but it’s all wrapped up in cotton, so I can’t tell what it is. It’s killing me, having to pick which one to open first. The letter wins. I tear the flap on the envelope and slide a folded sheet of stationery out. I open it. Inside, there’s lavender flowers all around the edges. The handwriting looks like a grown-up’s, the first clue that Misty didn’t go straight home and write to me. I guess there was no hurry, seeing as she had over a hundred years to get it done. Just so you can know everything, I’m going to copy the whole letter here, word for word: February 2, 1957 Dear Diamond Joy, In this long overdue letter, I am writing to thank you for saving my life. After recovering from scurvy, I have gone on to live 72 happy years, and I expect I shall have a few more. Hardly a day goes by that I don’t think about the debt I owe you for being so brave. Misty told me the whole story. She told me about the stones, and how they brought her to you on that first day you met. She told me how poorly I was doing, and how the two of you nursed me back to health in your little playhouse. My ma and pa were so frightened at the thought of losing me, but according to Misty, they believed a miracle had been bestowed upon our family. Apparently, it took many weeks for me to recover, but there was no doubt that you—and your oranges—saved my life. Misty told me so much about you. She said you were the funniest girl she ever met. She said you were kind, and that you had a happy face. She spoke of you often throughout the rest of her life, which tragically ended too soon. We lost Misty to scarlet fever when she was only 26 years old. I’ll never forget her telling me that your name was the most perfect one for you. She said you sparkled, and that you radiated a boundless joy. So you can imagine my surprise when a young man named Allen Joy rode into our town in 1902. He was so handsome! All of the girls were in love with him, but he picked me. We were married in the small white church that was part of the community that grew around us in the late 1800’s, long after Pa had staked his claim and built us the two-room cabin we were living in when you came to visit. By the time I got married, Pa had built us a larger home in the same location, so Allen and I lived with my parents until they both passed away. We had such wonderful times there as a family. Allen and I had two boys who grew into fine men. Our sons’ names are Thomas and Henry. Thomas is an explorer; he makes his living in the shipping business and lives for the most part in Europe. But Henry stayed with us. He married a wonderful young woman—Julie Stoker Joy—and they have four boys: Allen, Carter, Timothy and James. Our house was too small for all of us, so Henry built another—much larger—one. To think, all of this started in a tiny log cabin in the woods of Wisconsin! When the boys grew up, Carter remained in the family home. Carter married Kathleen Armstrong, and they have three children: Samuel, Margaret and Ruth. I no longer live in the house. After Allen passed away, I went to live with my son, Henry, and his wife, Julie, in a much smaller place, closer to town. By now, you are probably fitting together the pieces of the puzzle. I do not know when you were born, but I do believe you live in the house that Henry built, as Misty described it to me. The house is white, with a porch that spans the front. The pillars are big, round columns, and when you walk in the front door, you can go up the stairs to the left or into the parlor on the right. Straight ahead you will find the kitchen. Upstairs, there are four bedrooms. I imagine your front bedroom window is full of cherry blossoms in the spring, as Henry planted a sapling underneath it shortly after he finished the house. Does this sound familiar to you? All signs point to one conclusion. I believe I am your grandmother, some generations back. At this point I do not know how many, but I suspect you could figure it out. I am an old woman now, Diamond Joy, and for this long life I’ve lived, I am most grateful to you. Isn’t it marvelous that you, too, are alive because of me? Life is a mystery, and I feel blessed to have shared this wonderful mystery with you. You are forever in my heart, my dearest grandchild. All my love, Elizabeth Joy, née (Lizbet) Dance P.S. The enclosed gift is from Misty. She made it during the time I was recuperating from scurvy. She kept meaning to write you a letter, but she was afraid that when she did, it would feel too much like good-bye. My only regret is that she didn’t find out who you were before she died. So here I am in my backyard, holding this letter. I hardly know what to do. It takes a long time to get what it’s telling me. I feel like I need to sit down, so I do. Then I stand up. It’s like I’ve got a million flies buzzing around inside of me, not letting me think. If what this letter says is true, Lizbet is my great-something grandma. No freaking way. She was a baby. I start doing the math. Lizbet had a great grandson named Samuel. If Lizbet is Grampa Sam’s great grandma, that must mean she’s my great-great-great grandma, and Misty is my aunt, way back. So that’s why the stones brought us together. Lizbet, Misty, and me are family! The whole time I was there, I had this feeling about both of them. Like I knew them, even though I didn’t. And can you believe it? Lizbet was Grampa Sam’s great-grandmother! I would give anything to go back to 1957 and ask her everything I could think of about my grampa as a little boy. I bet he was like me. Maybe a little like Misty, too. My cheeks are wet, and I didn’t even know I was crying. I can’t believe Misty hardly got to be a grown-up. It seems so unfair. But knowing her, she would have been okay with it. Not me, though. I wonder if I could have gone back and saved her, like I did with Lizbet. Then I have this unbelievable thought, the kind that can make your head explode if you’re not careful: If Lizbet had died when she was a baby, I never would have been born. By saving Lizbet, I saved myself. I mean, what if I hadn’t-- Forget it. You figure that one out. I’m way too full right now. I pick up the cracker tin, which I had dropped without even knowing it. I take out the thing that’s all wrapped in cotton. I unwind it, like a mummy, turning it over and over as I do. When I’m done, I’ve got a rag doll in my hands. I’m staring at her and she’s staring at me, all lit up by the moon. She’s wearing a dress made out of the same fabric as the baby blue one I borrowed from Misty. She’s got an apron on, too. I touch her light brown yarn hair, the most beautiful color you ever saw. Mine. Misty made a doll that looks just like me. She has a smile stitched on her face, and blue button eyes, like mine. I finger her hair, the ruffle on her apron. There’s even a pocket on the apron, like the one I had. It also looks like something’s in the pocket. I wiggle my finger in there and pull out four stones. More like pebbles. I look at them up close. V-L-E-O. Vleo. I wonder what that means. I move the pebbles around in the palm of my hand, spelling out what Misty is trying to tell me. L-O-V-E. Love. There’s the proof, scratched out with Misty’s knitting needle. She told me she would send me her love, and she did. I’ve got it right here in my hand, but I feel it in my heart. So now I’m sitting on my bed, the sheets stripped, my Diamond doll in my lap. On my dresser is a picture of Lizbet, in a silver frame that stands up by itself. It’s been on the top shelf of our curio cabinet for as long as I can remember. She’s an old lady in that picture. She’s holding Grampa Sam, a toddler, and they’re standing by the cherry tree in our front yard. Behind them is our house. You can see my bedroom window—at least part of it—up in the corner. In yet another weird thought, I imagine my face up there, peeking through the curtain. Mrs. Dance’s wooden box is on my dresser, too. Hard to believe Mrs. Dance is my great-great-great-great grandma (count ‘em, there’s four), but she is. Other than my furniture, everything else in my room is gone. But Lizbet’s picture, the stones, and Diamond didn’t get packed in a box. They’re coming with me. I want to make sure nothing happens to them in the move. After all, who knows? The stones might still work at my new house. Not that I would ever use them again. Too risky. I’m just going to put them away, in the back of my new closet. I’m definitely not going to use them again. But you didn’t hear me swear it, if you know what I mean. “Di!” Stu. “Di!!” Stu’s under my window on the front porch stoop, probably driving the movers crazy. The moving van is loading up, getting ready to take everything away from me. “What?!” I stick my head out the window, even though my dad told me never to do this. “You should see inside the truck! The guys let me walk up the ramp and go inside!” “They did?” “Yeah! But Dad told me to get off, so you don’t get to.” I see my dad, bossing the movers, telling them to “go easy.” Two guys have Mom’s mirror between them, all taped up in brown paper, and they’re balancing it as carefully as Mr. Dance did when he took Lizbet from me. I wonder if my dad knows he’s got a twin, back in the 1800’s. Well, maybe not a twin, but close. Wouldn’t that be a weird thing to find out about yourself? “Too bad. I’m busy anyway,” I tell Stu. “Doing what? You should come down and see this truck. Maybe you can go in when Dad’s not looking.” “I’m getting my stuff.” “What stuff? It’s all supposed to be in your boxes.” “Things I’m going to keep with me in the car.” “What things?” “That stuff I told you about. From Lizbet.” “Oh, those. I still wonder how all that happened. I think about it all the time.” “Me, too.” “Maybe you and Misty fell into a wormhole.” “A wormhole?” “Yeah. Einstein made them up, where you can connect two dots at different times and go from dot-to-dot, totally skipping time. But he was never able to prove it.” “Little brother, you are so smart.” Stu looks at me funny whenever I say that, like he doesn’t know who I am. Maybe he thinks I morphed into somebody else in the wormhole. “What?” “I said you were smart, but I’m not sayin’ it again.” “Yeah, well you’re such a know-it-all I bet your big head won’t fit back in that window,” he says. If I squint, and pretend Stu is a lot younger and has baby fat on his cheeks, I can sort of see how my brother looks like Timmy. Hmmm. Now that I think about it, he doesn’t look anything like Timmy. I’m just making that up. But I remember how good it felt to be nice to Timmy, and I’m sort of liking how it feels to be nice to Stu, too. “Let me try.” I tap my head against the open window once, twice, three times. “Nope, not this way.” I drop my chin to the sill and rock my head from side-to-side. “Ouch. I guess I’m staying here. Have fun in Virginia.” Now Stu’s laughing, doing that snorting thing he always does. “You’re such a dork!” “Could ya send up a tuna sandwich if I lower a bucket? I don’t know how I’m going to eat like this.” “Come down, would you?” “In a sec.” I pull my head in and shut the window. I turn, slow, to torture myself by taking one last look at my room. This will be the hardest, giving up my bedroom so another kid can move in. I wonder, when we leave Wisconsin, will we be leaving the Dances behind, too? I mean, do your ancestors find you wherever you go? I bet they do. After all, I found them, didn’t I? I like to think we have an invisible string that keeps us together no matter what, but I can’t know for sure that’s true. I mean, if I hadn’t found the stones, I wouldn’t be here to even think about that string, let alone be tied to one end of it. But here’s something I’ve thought about at least one million times, probably more. I’m glad I didn’t quit. Saving Lizbet was the right thing to do. Sometimes I wish I knew who I would’ve turned out to be if I hadn’t thrown those stones, but I need to get over that, since I doubt I’ll ever know. THE END Learn about our online phonics program. STORY CLUB CHAT TOPICS: Would you have been brave enough to dig up the letter in the middle of the night? How do you think Diamond felt? How does it make you feel about the story, now that you know the Dances were Diamonds ancestors? Do you think Diamond did the right thing by changing history? Would you have done the same thing? Leave your thoughts about this chapter in the comments below!  Son Turning into Hypochondriac
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine THE PROBLEM: Ever since the pandemic started, my 11-year old son ‘catches’ everything he reads about. He gets stomachaches, headaches, sore throats—any symptom he can think of. And each time, he’s sure it’s something deadly. He sings ‘Happy Birthday’ when he washes his hands, sometimes twice, just to make sure. (I even suggested he sing a different song to help him ease up on the compulsion, but he won’t.) I’m scared he’s becoming a hypochondriac. He can’t seem to stop thinking about his health. I keep telling him he’s fine, but that doesn’t work. I need ideas! MARY SAYS: If ever there were a triggering event for developing hypochondria, a pandemic oughta do it. EVERYBODY has been inordinately focused on their health, other people’s health, germs, and the state of the planet for the last year or so. And because a pandemic is something most of us have never lived through, there are a lot of worst-case scenarios bandying about. It’s the ‘bandying about’ that can actually be the most harmful to our children. This pandemic we’re in has many people fixating on how dire—and fragile—our existence on this planet truly is. Granted, the horizon is looking brighter, but many adults have been tripped into a state of heightened anxiety and can’t seem to get out of it. Imagine what this does to the kids. So, for starters, please be careful about sharing your worries with your son—or in front of him. If your family has been impacted by COVID-19—through illness, job loss, mental health issues—show your son how you are working through it, rather than how terrified you are. This doesn’t mean you should cover up what’s going on, but please limit your son’s involvement to a need-to-know basis. Make a focused effort to point out the good news. The number of people getting ill is rapidly falling in multiple areas, and many of the places your son may have frequented before the pandemic will have opened back up. Remind him that children do not appear to be nearly as susceptible as older adults, and most people who get COVID-19 do get better. Make sure he knows this, since he is clearly picking up only on the bad stuff. It might also be helpful to introduce some calming activities into your home. Rather than engaging in conversations about your son’s fears, break out some colorful paints and pads of paper, turn some fun music on, or show him how to sit quietly with his eyes closed for a moment of stillness. In all likelihood, your son’s anxious behaviors will subside when he feels as though the world is more ‘normal’ again. And who’s to say it won’t be? I’m not sure anybody has ever figured out what ‘normal’ really is. Teaching your child to read? Learn about our online phonics program! KRISTI SAYS: One of the unfortunate side effects of this pandemic is that it has created a lot of extra fear in children. Children who were never concerned about anything are now worried about everything. On the bright side, your son is doing a great job with one of the best ways to prevent sickness, which is proper handwashing. It’s something adults and even healthcare professionals struggle to do regularly. The downside, of course, is that he is becoming compulsive. Fear causes people to do strange things, and it’s likely that fear is at the root of his new habits. He is scared to get sick and terrified of what will happen to him if he does. So, he has taken to doing the only thing he knows to control. Washing his hands. For him, a headache from dehydration could mean death is imminent. Or a scratchy throat from mild seasonal allergies is the end. Why not teach him some of your grandma’s remedies? Mine always had me gargle warm salt water for sore throats, drink a little juice and water and lay down for a bit with a headache. This may help him feel more in control and show him that he can do something proactively to help his symptoms. Next, don’t let him have unsupervised access to news headlines and the internet in general. Fear sells, and unfortunately, many headlines lead with worst-case scenarios and the deadliest cases. While these situations are heartbreaking and true, they don’t tell the whole story. Most people who have been infected during the pandemic didn’t have symptoms, and those who did were only mildly sick and got better with the right treatments. Take him outside. Go hiking on a trail or somewhere outdoors where he can feel safe from getting sick, but also doesn’t need to wear his mask. Some people are more prone to the negative side effects of mask-wearing, which can remind them too often that something is ‘off.’ Talk to your son about his concerns. Let him express how he feels and don’t judge him for it. This past year has been very difficult for everyone. Children lack the ability to process these hard emotions. Don’t be afraid to seek counseling, someone who can help him come up with strategies to overcome his fears. It’s likely your son is trying to process everything he’s feeling and looking for a way to be in control. ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we’d love to hear from you! askmomyourquestion@gmail.com Read more ASK MOM advice. Your child can learn to read with phonics.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
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SPEAKING OF KIDS: Musings, stories, and tips about teaching, reading, and parenting.
ABOUT MARY FOLLINMary is the author of TEACH YOUR CHILD TO READ and ETHYR, winner of the Moonbeam Children's Book Award and the Gertrude Warner Book Award. She is mom to two grown sons and enjoys sharing her more seasoned perspective with parents of younger children.
ABOUT KRISTI CROSSONKristi Crosson is a freelance writer, homeschooling mom of three children, and author of Healthy Mom Revolution, a blog that offers insights on healthy parenting.
Suzanne Johnson, mother of five children and grandmother of six, is an illustrator, book cover designer, and author of the Realms of Edenocht series.
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ETHYR
M.P. Follin Gertrude Warner Book Award Moonbeam Children's Book Award An adventure for kids ages 8-12— especially if they like video games! |
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