 Some children's book authors are so good they become a part of you—forever. Each generation has its beloved writer(s), but for me and my sisters, Laura Ingalls Wilder was who we wanted to be. And if we couldn't be her, at least we wanted to know her. But since she died before we were born, we had to make do with what she wrote and where she lived. This fall, my sister had occasion to get close enough to the town of De Smet, South Dakota, to justify a trip to Laura's girlhood home. Now a shrine to Laura Ingalls Wilder, De Smet was backdrop to the The Long Winter, By the Shores of Silver Lake and The Little Town on the Prairie, which spanned my favorite years in Laura's growing-up life. The long winter was too short for me. I wanted to get up every morning and bust the ice off my wash water, like Laura. I also wanted to teach in a one room schoolhouse. (Laura hated it, by the way.) My future husband would ride up in a sled—or cart, depending on the weather—and pick me up after I rang the cast iron bell. School's out! And of course, Nellie Oleson would just happen to be passing by, furious that she wasn't the one riding shotgun in whatever sweet ride Almanzo had chosen to bring. I wanted to wear dresses made of organdy, which I pictured being the orange color of those marshmallow peanuts you have to hold your nose to eat. I wanted to make those dresses. Me, a wooden bench, a sewing needle and yards of fabric on my lap—cascading to the floor—is what I dreamed of. I wasn't alone in this. If you've read this far, you're probably one of the thousands of children—now grown—who was smitten by a plucky pioneer girl named Laura. Children's Book Author Laura Ingalls Wilder: De Smet, South Dakota, the Good, the Bad and the Ugly So my sister rides into town in a rented car. While De Smet is home to only 1,200 residents, it boasts a tennis court, a swimming pool, a nine-hole golf course and a nursing home. In other words, you'll need to squint if you want the little town on the prairie to actually look like one. That said, many of the old homes and buildings are still in use, and some people might describe modern day De Smet as a 'one horse town.' But others might describe it as All Things Laura. Devotees are strategically situated throughout the town to reveal tidbits about Laura and her family that you might not have heard before. (We want them all. Every single one.) The First School of De Smet, where Laura was a student, is still standing, but the Brewster School, where she taught, is a replica. There are all kinds of staged scenes in each of Laura's dwellings with period furniture, clothing and toys like the ones Laura 'might' have used. Laura Ingalls Wilder described her early years as being full of "sunshine and shadow." The books were about the sunshine—the shadow, not so much. My sister was surprised that Pa had to abscond with his family in the middle of the night from Burr Oak, Iowa, due to the landlord 'not being reasonable.' And apparently, while Almanzo Wilder saved the starving town by making a dangerous run in a blizzard to buy some harvested wheat, the Wilder home MIGHT have harbored a false wall, behind which the family was secretly hording its own stash. But the biggest surprise was that the entire Ingalls family lived in South Dakota until they died—either together in one home or within spittin' distance of each other—except for Laura. Laura settled in Mansfield, MO, with her husband, Almanzo, and only saw her parents once before they passed away many years later. What?! Only see Ma one time over a period of 35 years? Good, kind, gentle Ma (even if she was a bit stern)? And Pa, who played the fiddle that Laura so loved? What are we missing here? As kids, we wanted to live with the Ingalls, yet Laura appears to have left them behind in De Smet, no hurry to go back. We may never understand this. But living was hard on the plains in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, and the Ingalls bore their share of tragedies, many of which were not included in the books. If the pioneering life wore them down, we can only imagine the toll it took on their family. A Children's Book Author Pilgrimage: Letting Go of the Story  If you're thinking about visiting a favorite children's book author's home town, brace yourself. You may end up feeling sort of sad. Your journey through the books was yours alone, and adding facts to your memories might not play out the way you think it will.
But if you're OK with reframing your childhood fantasies, have at it! Just be aware that you might alter forever the part of you that was formed by a complete stranger who felt like a friend. In other words, think long and hard before you buy those tickets to Edinburgh. I'm just sayin'.
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 ASK MOM offers parents and caretakers two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues--one from a mom with grown children, the other from a mom raising small children. If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in!
THE PROBLEM: I’m feeling like a hypocrite. When my son was a baby, I used to be disgusted when I saw a parent plant their toddler in front of a screen at a restaurant. While the grown-ups are socializing, the kid is zoned out, staring at some cartoon or other. Now that my son is three, watching a cartoon is the ONLY way he’ll sit still. Gulp. That’s me, now. Sitting in a restaurant, plugging my son in, and (mostly) chatting with everybody but him. I don’t know how to unpack my mixed-up feelings about this. YUK! MARY SAYS: I think we have two issues here, the first one being ‘mom guilt,’ which happens when you compare yourself to others. You know, that feeling you get when you see yourself as better or worse than other moms? There are only two things you can do with that kind of guilt. Get used to it or get over it. Easier said than done, I know, but for now, can you set it aside? We have more time-sensitive work to do. Using screens as babysitters is becoming more common, so it’s critical to consider what the implications are. When my kids were little, there were no portable screens. Children were invited (expected!) to engage with siblings and adults. Social skills take years of practice. Why not focus these few short years when your children are small to challenge them (and yourself) to create real-world experiences? How else will they develop a natural ability to talk to people? Who would you have grown into if your social engagements as a small child all felt like Saturday morning cartoons? Give this some serious thought. Make your decision, then please let other families make theirs. KRISTI SAYS: Sometimes we moms do things we never thought we'd do because we don't realize the circumstances that lead other parents to do them. It's hard work to train a toddler to sit for a meal. My little one is always on the go, and when we eat out, he definitely has a short attention span. While you may feel like a hypocrite, that's okay. It's okay to admit where you were too judgmental in the past. It's okay to think, "Wow, I never understood why parents did those things until now." We all know that tons of screen time is no good for kids. But to use it on occasion so they won't run around screaming in a restaurant is probably fine. Maybe offer it as a reward for a short amount of good behavior. Like: "If you can sit here for 3 minutes, I'll let you play on the tablet for 3 minutes". Put yourself in their shoes. Sitting at a restaurant with nothing to do but watch people eat and talk is boring. Also, another option besides screen time is to let your kiddos bring a small toy or a coloring book. I find that when I do that and include my kids in the conversation, they have more fun and they behave better.  ASK MOM offers parents and caretakers two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues--one from a mom with grown children, the other from a mom raising small children. If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in!
THE ISSUE: I’ve always heard how important it is to let children make their own decisions about little things, which I try to do with my three-year-old daughter. (What shirt to wear to school, if she wants to go to the park, etc.) But it feels like it’s backfiring on me! She takes forever to make a decision! She also becomes resistant to anything I suggest, and even throws tantrums when she can’t have her way. Help! MARY SAYS: When children are young, they need trusted adults to show them how to make wise decisions. A three-year-old doesn’t want to be in charge—it’s too scary! Your daughter’s ability to make her own decisions will mature after watching you make decisions for her. Instead of presenting multiple options, offer her one and tell her why you’ve chosen it: “We’re having oatmeal today because it’s cold outside and it will warm you up!” Gradually, she will ‘get it’ after watching you, and she will be able to make her own decisions with confidence—and without tantrums. KRISTI SAYS: I'm right in the thick of things with my threenager. If your kids are like mine, they say they want something one way, then change their minds moments later! It drives me crazy! The most important thing is that when a tantrum ensues, don't try to placate your child or give her whatever she wants. This will only teach her that fits work. Go ahead and let her have a fit (in a safe place of course). When she's calmed down, she's much more likely to be a reasonable human. I find that too many choices can be overwhelming. I stick with letting my kids make choices when time doesn't matter, and only giving them two options when it does. Photo by Ketut Subiyanto  Unless you remember what it’s like to be a child, you might have a hard time writing for one. Here’s what kids want hear about:
If your characters aren’t culled from the swirl of emotions you felt every time anything happened when you were a kid, your young readers might not stick with you. Here’s some stuff they don’t want to read about:
When you’re writing for kids, write for yourself. The person you outgrew years ago, but who’s still hanging out somewhere inside. Writing for Kids is Like Therapy Funny thing, when you really get into writing for kids, it kind of wakes you up. It’s as if that child is snoozing in there, hibernating under a blanket of all of the ‘shoulds’ that we tend to weigh ourselves down with when we get jobs, houses and kids.
You’ll know you’ve nailed that cafeteria scene when something inside you stirs as you type the final word. If you once sat on your bed with your ten-year old best friend whose mother just died and you didn’t know what to say, you’ll know you’ve captured that awful day when your eyes blur as you watch the scene unfold on your screen. It’s a remembering that reaches inside of you and cleans you out. You begin to see the world through your little girl eyes again—in small glimpses, sure—but it’s there. You laugh when people walk into things. You put quarters in a gum machine to get one of those big, stale gumballs. You might even pet the neighbor’s cat. (But think twice before telling your boss to pull your finger.) And do make sure you have a real, modern-day kid read your stuff! Someone needs to check it for ‘language.’ You don’t want Beaver Cleaver narrating your story. But go too far on the edgy side, and you might be topping out of your age group. (Unless you’re writing YA, which pretty much has everything in it that adult books do.) Unless you're writing for yourself. If that’s the case, do whatever feels good and throw it in a drawer when you’re done!  ASK MOM offers parents and caretakers two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children, the other from a mom raising small children. If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in!
THE PROBLEM: I’m a little afraid of my five-year-old son. Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration, but whenever I need to tell him he can’t do something, he gets extremely agitated, to the point where he’s red in the face. And he gets soooo angry at me! Too often, I give in. When I’m honest with myself, I realize I’m being overindulgent, but I can’t stand when he has these meltdowns. I feel like I’m walking on thin ice all the time. (Btw, It’s worse with me. My husband is better at being firm.) I know the obvious solution is to not give in so much, but I don’t seem to be able to do that. I hate to see him so unhappy. MARY SAYS: It’s not always easy to balance this dynamic. If we’re constantly telling our children ‘no,’ they’ll end up thinking the world is a tough place to navigate. But when parents let children have their way ALL the time, Junior takes charge, and the home becomes a battleground. Even worse, kids know when they’ve gained control, which can be a scary thing for a five-year-old. A tendency toward anxiety can emerge, which is most likely what you are seeing in your son. If you really ‘hate to see him so unhappy,’ you need to change this unhealthy dance you’ve got going between the two of you. Take the helm, Mom. He desperately needs you to. Your son will have a hard time collaborating with other people if he doesn’t learn he can’t always get what he wants. Furthermore, when children are little, their boundaries include their parents. To him, you are an extension of who he is. Because you’re letting your son mistreat YOU, you are showing him it’s okay when people mistreat HIM. If you don’t know how to do this, please seek help. Or watch how your husband manages your son. It sounds like he gets it, and with a little practice (and a firm resolve), you can, too. KRISTI SAYS: Giving in is just feeding the cycle. While it's difficult to see our children unhappy or have meltdowns, it's better they learn to be told 'no' now and learn how to deal with it. After all, what happens when your child gets used to having his way when he throws a tantrum? I love the lessons I learned from the book "Love and Logic for Early Childhood." One of them is that our actions have natural consequences. If a child is told 'no,' then they pitch a fit and you give in, the natural progression is that this behavior will continue. But when you stand your ground and 'no means no,' they learn there's a boundary they can't cross. For instance, if you are heading out to do something fun, and your son doesn't clean up his room like you asked, the natural consequence would be to stay home.  Reading aloud to your kids invariably ends. Children grow up, they move out and despite what the mother in Love You Forever does, you should never stalk your kids. The beginning of the end looks like this: You finish a chapter one night, and the next time you get ready to pick up where you left off, your ‘little’ boy says he’s already read that part. In fact, could you pass the book over? “I can read it faster on my own, Mom.” But maybe you’re not ready to let go. If that's the case, there are ways of prolonging that special reading time as your child advances through the middle school years. By choosing the right books, he or she will continue to look forward to a bedtime story with you. The trick is to choose a book that keeps your child engaged, but for one reason or another, doesn’t tempt him or her to keep reading when you’re not there. Maybe the language is arcane, or the print is too small. The book itself is heavy. There aren’t any pictures. And the plot is s-o-o slow. Sounds like a yawn, doesn’t it? Think again. What we’re talking about here is literary fiction. Children don’t often pick up this kind of book, but the classics cast spells that few children can resist once they get started. Check out some of the time-honored tales listed below and settle in for an entire season of sharing one really good book with your child. 7 Classic Children's Books to get you started:The Hobbit |
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Speaking of Kids
Online phonics program blog: Musings, stories, and tips about teaching, reading, and parenting. 
ABOUT MARY FOLLINMary is the author of TEACH YOUR CHILD TO READ and ETHYR, winner of the Moonbeam Children's Book Award and the Gertrude Warner Book Award. She is mom to two grown sons and enjoys sharing her more seasoned perspective with parents of younger children.
ABOUT KRISTI CROSSONKristi is a professional photographer and homeschooling mom of three small children. She has a passion for helping other moms make healthy choices for themselves and their families. To learn more about Kristi, please visit her website.
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