​ASK MOM offers parents and caretakers two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues--one from a mom with grown children, the other from a mom raising small children. If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in!
 
THE PROBLEM: I’m a little afraid of my five-year-old son. Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration, but whenever I need to tell him he can’t do something, he gets extremely agitated, to the point where he’s red in the face. And he gets soooo angry at me! Too often, I give in. When I’m honest with myself, I realize I’m being overindulgent, but I can’t stand when he has these meltdowns. I feel like I’m walking on thin ice all the time. (Btw, It’s worse with me. My husband is better at being firm.) I know the obvious solution is to not give in so much, but I don’t seem to be able to do that. I hate to see him so unhappy.
 
MARY SAYS: It’s not always easy to balance this dynamic. If we’re constantly telling our children ‘no,’ they’ll end up thinking the world is a tough place to navigate. But when parents let children have their way ALL the time, Junior takes charge, and the home becomes a battleground. Even worse, kids know when they’ve gained control, which can be a scary thing for a five-year-old. A tendency toward anxiety can emerge, which is most likely what you are seeing in your son.
 
If you really ‘hate to see him so unhappy,’ you need to change this unhealthy dance you’ve got going between the two of you. Take the helm, Mom. He desperately needs you to. Your son will have a hard time collaborating with other people if he doesn’t learn he can’t always get what he wants. Furthermore, when children are little, their boundaries include their parents. To him, you are an extension of who he is. Because you’re letting your son mistreat YOU, you are showing him it’s okay when people mistreat HIM. If you don’t know how to do this, please seek help. Or watch how your husband manages your son. It sounds like he gets it, and with a little practice (and a firm resolve), you can, too.

KRISTI SAYS: Giving in is just feeding the cycle. While it's difficult to see our children unhappy or have meltdowns, it's better they learn to be told no now and deal with it, than the possibility of what could happen when he gets older and is used to getting his way when he throws a tantrum. I love the lessons I learned from the book "Love and Logic for Early Childhood." 

One of them is that our actions have natural consequences. If a child is told no, then they pitch a fit and you give in, the natural progression is that they will continue this behavior. But when you stand your ground and no means no, they learn that there's a boundary they cannot cross. For instance, if you are heading out to do something fun and they don't clean up their room first like you asked, the natural consequence would be to take away the fun thing and to stay home. 

Photo by Ryan Franco  

ASK MOM offers parents and caretakers two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues--one from a mom with grown children, the other from a mom raising small children. If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in!

THE PROBLEM: I’m feeling like a hypocrite. When my son was a baby, I used to be disgusted when I saw a parent plant their toddler in front of a screen at a restaurant. While the grown-ups are socializing, the kid is zoned out, staring at some cartoon or other. Now that my son is three, watching a cartoon is the ONLY way he’ll sit still. Gulp. That’s me, now. Sitting in a restaurant, plugging my son in, and (mostly) chatting with everybody but him. I don’t know how to unpack my mixed-up feelings about this. YUK!
 
MARY SAYS: I think we have two issues here, the first one being ‘mom guilt,’ which happens when you compare yourself to others. You know, that feeling you get when you see yourself as better or worse than other moms? There are only two things you can do with that kind of guilt. Get used to it or get over it. Easier said than done, I know, but for now, can you set it aside? We have more time-sensitive work to do.
 
Using screens as babysitters is becoming more common, so it’s critical to consider what the implications are. When my kids were little, there were no portable screens. Children were invited (expected!) to engage with siblings and adults. Social skills take years of practice. Why not focus these few short years when your children are small to challenge them (and yourself) to create real-world experiences? How else will they develop a natural ability to talk to people? Who would you have grown into if your social engagements as a small child all felt like Saturday morning cartoons? Give this some serious thought. Make your decision, then please let other families make theirs.

KRISTI SAYS: Sometimes we as moms do things we never thought we'd do because we don't realize the circumstances that lead other parents to do them. It's hard work to train a toddler to sit for a meal. My little one is always on the go, and when we eat out, he definitely has a short attention span. While you may feel like a hypocrite, that's okay. It's okay to admit where you were too judgmental in the past. It's okay to think, "Wow, I never understood why parents did those things until now." 

We all know that tons of screen time is no good for kids. But to use it on occasion so they won't run around screaming in a restaurant is probably fine. Maybe offer it as a reward for a short amount of good behavior. Like: "If you can sit here for 3 minutes, I'll let you play on the tablet for 3 minutes". Put yourself in their shoes. Sitting at a restaurant with nothing to do but watch people eat and talk is boring. Also, another option besides screen time is to let your kiddos bring a small toy or a coloring book. I find that when I do that and include my kids in the conversation, they have more fun and they behave better.  

THE ISSUE: I’ve always heard how important it is to let children make their own decisions about little things, which I try to do with my three-year-old daughter. (What shirt to wear to school, if she wants to go to the park, etc.) But it feels like it’s backfiring on me! She takes forever to make a decision! She also becomes resistant to anything I suggest, and even throws tantrums when she can’t have her way. Help!
 
MARY SAYS: When children are young, they need trusted adults to show them how to make wise decisions. Three-year-old doesn’t want to be in charge—it’s too scary! Your daughter’s ability to make her own decisions will mature after watching you make decisions for her. Instead of presenting multiple options, offer her one and tell her why you’ve chosen it: “We’re having oatmeal today because it’s cold outside and it will warm you up!” Gradually, she will ‘get it’ after watching you, and she will be able to make her own decisions with confidence—and without tantrums.
 
KRISTI SAYS: I'm right in the thick of things with my threenager. If your kids are like mine, they say they want something one way, then change their minds moments later! It drives me crazy! The most important thing is that when a tantrum ensues, do not try to placate your child or "give them whatever they want.” This will only teach them that fits get them what they want. Let them have the fit (in a safe place of course). When they’ve calmed down, they’re much more likely to be reasonable humans. I find that too many choices can be overwhelming. I stick with letting my kids make choices when time doesn't matter, and only giving them two options when it does.