 ASK MOM: My Son is Rude to Me
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson Read More ASK MOM advice in Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine THE PROBLEM: I’ve gotten into this weird dynamic with my kid. The bottom line is, he’s rude to me and I can’t do anything about it. Even though he’s only 9, he acts like he’s 16. When I tell him to put something away, he’ll say “You do it.” If I ask him to help me with something, he’ll say, “Do I have to?” (Of course I say YES.) I’ll ask him if he wants something to eat and he’ll just ignore me. Believe me, I tell him EVERY TIME his behavior isn’t acceptable (and why), but nothing changes. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but the way he treats me is making me feel bad about myself, even though I’m supposed to be the one in charge. Any ideas? MARY SAYS: “He’s rude to me and I can’t do anything about it.” Yes, you can—and for both of your sakes, you must. You’ve tried multiple approaches that haven’t worked, so may I suggest a new one for you to try? Be assured, 9-year-old children are still coachable. They want to please, even though right now, it appears your son wants to annoy, even injure you. In his way, he’s trying to show you who’s boss, and if you let him, he will. But he’s too young to be in charge, so what exactly is going on here? While 9-year-olds still look—and for the most part act—like children, it’s a big year for hormonal activity, a precursor to what will be more visible in a few years. As you well know, hormones send conflicting messages to all of us at specific life stages (and cycles), but it can be particularly confusing for a child the age of your son. Have you ever felt ‘hormonal’? Most likely, your son is feeling that way quite a bit of the time; all the more reason to address his rudeness now. His attitude toward you will only escalate as he grows, which can have more serious repercussions. (NOTE: If this behavior has had a sudden onset or is extremely out of character for your son, please seek professional help.) When your son is rude to you, call him on it. No lectures, preaching, or correcting. Set the expectation that his word is his bond, and you expect him to stand by what he says. The next time you ask him to put away his sneakers and he says, “You do it,” you say something like this: YOU: “Excuse me?” HIM: “You do it.” YOU: “Can you repeat that, please?” HIM: “You do it.” YOU: “Come over here please and repeat that.” HIM: (By now, you will notice a slight flagging in confidence.) “You do it.” YOU: “Look me in the eye and say it again.” HIM: (Here is where his better judgement might kick in and it ends. But let’s say it doesn’t.) “You do it.” YOU: “Explain that to me, please. You’re telling me to do what?” HIM: “Put my sneakers away.” YOU: “You expect me to put your sneakers away?” HIM: “Yes.” YOU: “How about if you take some time in your room and think about what you’re asking me to do. When you’re ready, I’m willing to listen to what you have to say about it.” You can use this dialog in almost any scenario, but the key is to use it in EVERY scenario. Don’t let a single rude comment slide. (If nothing else, he’ll get tired of how much time it takes to be rude!) Starting now, shift the responsibility of reflecting on his behavior off of you and onto him. You can do this, Mom! Besides communicating zero tolerance for rude behavior, you will model for your son how to set boundaries when people mistreat you. And this, of course, will have a positive impact on how you feel about yourself. Teaching your child to read this summer? Try our easy online phonics program! KRISTY SAYS: I have so many unanswered questions about this dynamic. How much screen time does your son get for T.V. shows, video games, apps, school, etc.? Does he behave this way toward anyone else, or just you? Does he have any developmental challenges? Is there a time of day when he backtalks more? It's clear you’re not in charge and your son’s attitude is running the show. I’m sorry it’s hitting your self-esteem, but it’s important not to let it get to you personally. Kids like to push boundaries. Apparently, you've never set a hard boundary about talking respectfully. While you may talk to him a lot about his behavior, what do you do about meting out consequences when he crosses a boundary or offering positive reinforcement when he gets it right? Natural consequences are great for these behaviors. If he doesn’t respond to you when you offer him food, don’t make him anything. Sit down and eat your meal without him if you must. When he’s hungry and comes around later asking about it, you can say something like, “Oh, I didn’t know you were hungry. When I asked you about it earlier, you ignored me. I assumed that meant you weren’t hungry. You may make yourself a sandwich if you’d like something to eat. I’ve already cleaned up dinner.” Try a different approach when it comes to chores, one that might catch him off guard. Instead of directly telling him to do something, you can say something like, “it’s almost time to clean up. What would you like to do after we’re done putting things away?” or “I’ll work on the kitchen. Would you like to pick up your room or the living room right now?” He may come up with some retort, but it’s important to be firm. I have a saying with my kids, “We are a family, and we work together.” When they come at me with snarky comments or whine about cleanup time, I remind them that when we work together it gets done faster, and we have more time for the things we love to do. Taking control of the situation can look something like this: “I can see you’re having a tough time being respectful. Why don’t you take a break in your room for 10 minutes and read a book until you can come back with a better attitude.” You could also try saying, “I love you too much to argue.” I learned this when my oldest was around 4 and would sometimes yell “no” at me. If I asked him to clean his room or pick up his clothes, and he responded with “no,” I would calmly say, “I love you too much to argue.” I would also repeat it over and over until he got up and begrudgingly did his chore. Another option is to institute an attitude jar. You have one jar at the start of the day filled with marbles. You have a second, empty jar. Each time your child gives you ‘attitude,’ you move one marble from the full jar to the empty jar. If he responds to you politely, move a marble back. (Ask him to help you by pointing it out if you forget to notice!) Then choose a number. Let’s say, if fewer than 10 marbles are in the jar at the end of the day, your son gets a reward. Maybe it’s a few extra minutes of video games or a special treat. The next day, empty the attitude jar and start again. The goal is to reward him for being courteous without expecting perfection. It’s important to remember that kids are on their worst behavior when they feel the safest. Think about it, he’s at school all day trying to sit still, be polite, and act perfectly. But we all know that kids mess up. When he’s home, he knows he’s safe. It’s clear you’re a good mom, and with the right approach, you can bring balance back to your parent-child relationship. ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you’re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn’t around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we’d love to hear from you! askmomyourquestion@gmail.com Read more ASK MOM advice.
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 Daughter Too Shy to Speak Up
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine THE PROBLEM: I am worried about my 6-year old daughter who always ‘hangs back’ whenever other kids are in the room. When someone brings a new game or toy on the scene, the other kids pounce on it, but my daughter steps away and starts twirling her hair. I’m worried she’s not assertive enough. Sometimes I think she’s just letting other kids go first, rather than pushing her way in. She also hesitates to answer questions, even simple ones, like “how old are you”? I’m not saying this is a big deal, but I wonder if there are techniques I can use to help her to ‘jump in’ more easily. MARY SAYS: While there might be something to your concern, keep in mind that children develop at their own pace. What you’re observing in your daughter might be a perfectly healthy response to something new. She’s trying to assess an unfamiliar situation before deciding how she wants to approach it. If only more people would exercise such discernment! But since it’s a good idea for children to learn how to speak up for what they want, try new things, and stand up for themselves, you might want to offer her some guidance when you see her hesitate more than usual, especially if she is being targeted in any way, such as excluded from an activity or allowing other children to take toys away from her. The first step is awareness. Does your daughter even recognize what’s going on? Rather than intervene by telling your daughter to ask for her toy back, talk to her privately. Ask her how she felt when Nellie borrowed her jump rope and didn’t let her get in line for a turn. You might be surprised at the response you get, ranging from “It made me feel like they don’t like me” to “I love watching them! I’m getting to know all the rhymes by heart.” Now you might be thinking, “If my daughter really loves watching the kids play with her jump rope without her, she’s putting quite a spin on things. People are going to walk all over her.” Not so. Everybody has a spin, and a core tenet of happiness is to develop a habit of spinning your view of reality to something positive. After all, what’s true here? That the children don’t like your daughter, or that she loves watching them? We can never really know what someone is thinking. Not your daughter’s thoughts, nor those of the other children. If you start asking your daughter how she feels after these incidents, you might find that you're more upset than she is. Although it’s okay to suggest she speak up or jump in, be careful not to encourage her to experience the situation the way you do. Then again, perhaps she is upset. Maybe she does feel left out or too shy to speak up. Here’s where roleplay comes in. The next time she tells you she wanted to say something but didn’t, get all the details. Who was there? (Maggie and Danielle) What were they talking about? (Disneyland) What did you want to say about it? (I’ve been to Disneyland.) Why didn’t you? (I was too scared.) Once you’ve got the picture, reenact the conversation. First, you play your daughter and let her be Maggie or Danielle. Then, switch—let your daughter be herself, and you have fun pretending to be both Maggie and Danielle. Giggles are good! One key to assertiveness is not to take oneself too seriously—or take things too personally. Make it a habit to have these dialogs on a regular basis. Because your daughter is young, she will naturally incorporate what she practices into who she is. No need to keep telling her she should speak up or assert herself. As long as you keep your ‘game’ going, she will learn to step in when she wants to and hang back when she doesn’t. Teaching your child to read this summer? Try our easy online phonics program! KRISTI SAYS: As adults, we tend to elevate certain traits above others. We do it in the workplace, in business, and unfortunately even in our own homes. A person with a type-A personality in business is perceived as a greater asset than the quiet leaders who can run corporate empires. As a result, when we see our children lack their own assertive nature, we start to think that maybe their future won’t be as bright. We imagine that they won’t have as many friends or won’t stand up for themselves when necessary. Every child has a unique personality. Some will barrel their way into a situation, and you can’t help but notice them. Others are the beautiful wallflowers content to let others go first and jump in when they feel ready. There is nothing wrong with either of these kids. You mentioned that you’re worried because she hangs back around other children, but if she eventually gets in there, I wouldn’t worry a bit. Your daughter is 6, she is still learning how to interact with other children and adults. I’ve mentioned in previous posts that my daughter is also very shy. She is learning to be more assertive—although mostly with her brothers. She gets nervous when there are a lot of kids around. She’s learned to tell me, “Mom, I’m feeling shy,” when she is in a situation where she needs a little encouragement. I tell her that even when she feels shy, she can be brave and get in on the fun with the other kids. And when she does, she beams with excitement and pride. She’ll tell me later, “mom, I was so brave when I played with those other kids.” My advice to you is to let your daughter navigate these things her way. When she steps out of her comfort zone, even in tiny ways, cheer her on. If you want to work on helping her step out, make it casual, “Hey, I noticed when those other kids were playing today you stayed near the wall for a while.” She might respond and tell you what was up and if she doesn’t, follow-up with a question like, “Were you feeling shy?” or “Were you too nervous to play?” Tell her that those feelings are normal, and that it’s hard sometimes to know what to do when other kids are running in and rushing around. Encourage her to be brave. I think your daughter is observing everything around her. She’s taking in how to play with the new toy and how the other kids behave. She is learning, and that’s amazing. Give her encouragement, give her praise, but don’t worry too much about whether or not she’s as assertive as the other kids. She’ll find her way with your continued love and support. ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you’re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn’t around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we’d love to hear from you! askmomyourquestion@gmail.com Read more ASK MOM advice. 
Is My Kid Faking It?
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine THE PROBLEM: I’m beginning to worry about how often my son misrepresents things (he’s 9). I don’t mean he outright lies, but he’ll have these full-blown excuses about why he can’t do something, and I can’t tell if it’s real or not. The worst is when he gets ‘sick.’ He gets stomachaches, headaches, earaches—anything to get out of going to school, especially when they started going back in after a year of online. He’ll look miserable, but he gets a whole lot better as soon as I let him stay home. And of course, he COULD actually be sick, but I can’t tell when it’s real and when it isn’t. I’m getting this with homework (teacher never assigned it), low test scores (test was stuff the teacher didn’t cover), and other things. My husband gets mad at him when he starts making excuses, but I keep finding myself trying to believe him. I’m not sure where to go from here. MARY SAYS: No two ways about it…the pandemic has been tough on our children. It sounds like your son might be acting out, possibly because he still feels weighed down by what he’s had to struggle through during the past year. While your son may have demonstrated these tendencies before, please be understanding if they appear to have gotten worse in recent months. Which doesn’t mean you’ll want to ignore his tactics and hope they’ll simply go away. They won’t, especially if they work. Your husband may be onto something when he challenges your son’s excuses, but perhaps there is a kinder way to hold your son accountable, rather than resorting to anger. Although you say you are having difficulty discerning when your son is telling the truth, perhaps you are purposefully not trying hard enough. Many parents are giving their children extra leeway in an effort to ease the stress their children have been under. (Sounds like a good idea to me!) That said, it’s okay to reset some of those old, pre-pandemic expectations, since many locales are opening up, and a lot of children are able to spend time with friends again. Life bounces back to ‘normal’ fairly quickly for kids when their environment once again feels safe. When your son presents you with an excuse or an ailment, ask for specifics. Let him tell you the WHOLE story, every detail. A fake story will fall down pretty quickly when you start asking questions; kids have a tough time holding a consistent thread when left to their imaginations. If he ‘never got the homework assignment,’ tell him to fetch his assignment book and show you. If ‘the teacher didn’t cover a test topic,’ have him sit beside you while you write an email to said teacher, asking for clarification. A stomachache that requires him to stay home? What does it feel like? When did it start? How bad does it hurt, on a scale of 1-10? If he’s convincing enough, it’s either a day in bed (no video games) or a day in school. Which does he choose? In other words, hold him accountable for what he tells you. Express to him that you’ve had doubts about his honesty lately, but you are willing to listen—and to trust. Remind him that his words are powerful, and that you expect him to stand behind what he says. If he’s having trouble facing up to his responsibilities, you’re there to help, not to condemn. Once he knows you’re on his side, he will more likely share what’s really on his mind. Together, you can work through the issue, and with your help, he will learn to face what’s bothering him rather than hide behind excuses. KRISTI SAYS: It’s great that you’re choosing to give your child the benefit of the doubt. I know he will appreciate that as he grows up. It’s hard to know when to believe our kids and let them stay home and when to make them just go anyway. When I was younger there were days when I just didn’t feel great. I would have a headache, or stomachache, or I felt exhausted. It was nothing major most of the time, but I didn’t feel up to going to school. I remember trying to fake a fever so I could stay home. Fortunately, fever or not, my mom would let me stay home and rest most of the time. There are many reasons why your child might not feel up to going to school. It doesn’t mean he’s faking it. Rather, he’s trying to communicate in the best way he knows how. As adults we can simply take a “mental health day” and call in to work. Kids don’t get that option. Somehow, they have to validate what they are feeling by pretending to be sick so they can get what they need. Concluding a year of attending school online means your son could be experiencing just about anything that makes him want to stay home. Here are some reasons for you to consider: Bullying Kids who are being bullied often experience stomachaches, headaches, and racing pulses. If your child is experiencing bullying, he may truly feel unwell. He may also be too afraid to communicate it to you, especially if the bullying is from a teacher. My kindergarten teacher was an abusive teacher. No lie, she eventually got caught and went to prison for it. Once, I watched her slam a child’s head against a window because he stepped out of line. It was terrifying to live in fear that I would be next. Tired I know I get tired sometimes as an adult. I may toss and turn at night, and I wake up feeling groggy. All I want to do is go back to bed. Children experience this, too. Bad dreams can wake them in the night and the next morning they are exhausted, don’t feel good, but they aren’t exactly sick. Undiagnosed Food Sensitivities Food allergies and food sensitivities can impact children in different ways. My son’s dairy allergy left him with extreme constipation, which caused stomachaches. (It took months to figure out what was going on.) Once we removed dairy products from his diet, he slept better, felt better, and had more energy. If you think this might be the case, take your son in for allergy testing with an experienced pediatric allergist. Prefers Being at Home After several months of being home, your son may simply like being at home more than he likes being at school. Home is a source of safety and comfort. Most children know they are loved and cared for at home. For some children, this year’s schooling at home was much more relaxed than many classrooms are right now. While it may feel like he’s faking it, it’s more likely your son is using the only thing he knows to do to communicate to you. It’s important to ask gentle probing questions to help you learn more about what’s going on. You can start with, “I’ve noticed you haven’t been feeling well a lot lately. What’s it like at school? What makes it hard to feel up to going? Is there someone making you feel bad at school?” Open-ended questions are better than yes/no questions. The issue with not wanting to do chores or homework sounds normal to me. My middle child makes excuses EVERY time I ask her to do something. There is always an excuse. Right now, I ask her to do one simple task at a time. If her room is messy, I give her a bag, and she starts with trash. If she needs to complete schoolwork, I ask her to do one thing and then she gets a break. When my kids were in public school, I would always check my son’s backpack for homework. Most of the time he would tell me he didn’t have any. While I don’t think your son is faking it, I think that there is definitely more going on here. Keep believing him, which helps to build trust. Start asking gentle questions to discover what’s really underlying his desire to avoid school. You’ll get through this. ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you’re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn’t around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we’d love to hear from you! askmomyourquestion@gmail.com Read more ASK MOM advice. 
Terrified of Kids Online
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine THE PROBLEM: There are some kids (boys and girls) who are picking on my daughter, mostly online. I’m physically sick about it. I know this is supposed to be about my daughter, but I don’t know how to deal with the situation. It’s like these otherwise decent kids have turned into one big monster. I’m terrified of them, and I’m the grownup! Needless to say, my daughter is devastated. Her pain is beyond what I can describe. They’ve given her a code name so they can talk freely about her and act like it’s not a real person. The worst part is, it all started when my daughter didn’t text another girl back for a couple of days, and the girl decided to cut her off. For this minor infraction—my daughter didn’t even see the text—she’s now going to have scars for the rest of her life. I need some ideas but I don’t know where to turn. MARY SAYS: This is one of the toughest issues to respond to. Social media has created a virtual “Lord of the Flies” mentality where kids are in charge, and it’s frightening. Seemingly ‘good’ kids morph into children we hardly recognize. (Given a few more years to mature, they probably wouldn’t recognize themselves, either.) Hidden behind the curtain of online platforms, kids are trying to impress their peers; control someone who is more vulnerable; or exact revenge, often times with little understanding of the long-term impact on their victims—and themselves. You are clearly a caring parent who sees how lovable your daughter is. Unfortunately, at her age, it can be challenging for her to see how lovable she is. Add to that the abuse she is suffering at the hands of so-called friends, and I imagine her ability to draw on her own power has been severely compromised. While there is a lot of advice online that addresses cyberbullying (helpful resources, btw, please check them out), I’m going to offer a different way to think about this. What if, in an ideal world, any one of us could read something negative about ourselves online, and it didn’t hurt? What if we were immune to external judgments and created a habit of looking inside to determine how we felt about ourselves? After all, online shaming doesn’t necessarily end at graduation, does it? Developing an internal sense of one’s own superhero status would be a desirable character trait to develop as soon as possible. Yeah, right, you might be thinking. Great idea. But how do you become your own superhero? Especially if you’re at such an awkward age and your self-esteem has bottomed out? To be honest, the first step is hard. Before one can see the superhero in themselves, they must see it in all human beings, which won’t be an easy thing to do, given your daughter’s current life experience. This is where you come in. By engaging in the following exercise, you can help your daughter develop a fresh perspective on her world and the people in it. Start by encouraging your daughter to find superheroes everywhere she goes. Make it a scavenger hunt! The postwoman, the bank clerk, the kid who rings up your M&M’s at a local convenient store. Tell your daughter she will find superheroes in everybody’s eyes; all she has to do is look. The good news is, when you do this simple exercise, it boomerangs. Each time your daughter looks at someone as though they were special, those eyes will look back at her in the same way—looking past the exterior, into the heart of who she really is. NO ONE can resist the pull of that kind of human response. True power comes from opening one’s heart to the possibility of love wherever you go. Once your daughter gets used to seeing others in this new light, she will begin to see it in herself. Encourage her to stare in the mirror and really look for the fascinating human being in there. (Try it yourself—you’ll see! In fact, you may want to start with your daughter’s tormenters, which will help ease your fear of them. You don’t need to do this in person—just picture it.) Your daughter’s light will shine wherever she goes, but only if you shut down the computer and actually go somewhere. The best thing you can do for your daughter right now is encourage her to engage in real-world activities. Thankfully, groups are getting together again after our year of isolation, so there are many, many places—theater groups, camps, martial arts studios, volunteer organizations—for your daughter to make the world—and herself—blindingly bright. Teaching your child to read this summer? Try our easy online phonics program! KRISTI SAYS: Online bullying is a terrible thing. It causes so much damage that can take years to reverse. Kids hide behind their screens writing the most horrific things and sadly, many get away with it. The good news is that you know it’s happening and can do something about it. The bad news is, your daughter is hurting and even you are feeling overwhelmed by the situation. It’s hard to imagine a world where people would say or do these things to people face-to-face. When I was in junior high school, a group of girls bullied me incessantly. It started when they told me there was a boy who liked me, and it escalated from there. Newsflash, he didn’t; the girls had set me up. I remember running to the bathroom in tears just to hide from them—I wanted to die. Then, they went so far as to make death threats against me. When my mom finally figured out what was going on, she contacted the school. Let’s just say, after the administration had a talk with those girls, they never bothered me again. Some of them wouldn’t even look at me for fear of what would happen if they were even suspected of being mean to me. Let’s call this “picking on” your daughter thing what it really is. It’s harassment and bullying, and something needs to be done about it. Many schools have policies that penalize students for harassing and bullying other students. And while you say they’ve given her a “nickname,” there is most likely evidence she is the one they’re talking about. I know you feel overwhelmed and have no clue what to do, but there are steps you can take to protect your daughter from further psychological harm. If you know the parents of these kids, it might be a good idea to sit down and have a conversation with them. Take your emotions out of it as best as possible and do your best to express that you assume the best of their kids. Realize that kids can get caught up in the moment online without understanding the impact of what they are saying and doing. Then show them the messages. If nothing happens—or the parents get angry at you—take the next steps. Contact the school. Sit down with an administrator and show him or her the messages. Again, do your best to express that you think the kids are good kids, just getting caught up in what the group is doing. If the administrators do nothing about it, the matter could become a police level issue depending on the severity of the bullying. As a last resort, take your daughter out of school. Send her to a different one or homeschool her, at least for a while. Your daughter’s mental health is far more important than staying in the situation and ‘muscling’ through. Remove access to her social media profiles temporarily while you both seek counseling and a resolution for this abuse. While this sounds harsh, her access to reading these things online can have devastating effects. You have power, Mama. You can do the right thing by your daughter, and while you may feel scared of these kids, you have nothing to fear. Your daughter is relying on you to help. Take it one step at a time and do the hard things necessary to protect your daughter from further harm. If you want to teach your child to read but don't know how, try our easy online reading program. ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you’re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn’t around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we’d love to hear from you! askmomyourquestion@gmail.com 
My Son Can't Control Himself
Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson THE PROBLEM: Since my son was little, he’s had a tendency to blurt things out and randomly do odd things. I thought he would outgrow it, but he’s in fourth grade and nothing has changed. It’s like he doesn’t have any filters, where he can take a moment before doing something and consider how people will react. For example, his class was having a little celebration, so they were all wearing hats they made. As soon as he put his on, he stepped in the trash can and started neighing like a horse. (I get embarrassed even writing this.) He has friends, so it’s not like he’s ostracized or anything, but I’m afraid this kind of behavior could backfire on him at any moment. I wish I knew how to help him control himself better. MARY SAYS: Our kids are like that, aren’t they? Living in the moment, expressing themselves, loving who they are. That is, if we’re lucky, and it sounds as though you are. Your son is at an age where he can still act silly if he wants to. He’s pushing the perimeter of childhood, enjoying it as long as he can. Please let him. Because indeed, it’s almost over. In about a year, a high degree of self-awareness will kick in for your high-spirited fourth grader. Fifth graders can come down pretty hard on classmates who act immature—even a little bit. He’ll be wearing a paper hat, singing a ditty in art class, or making animal noises at a party and bam! Some kid will cast him a disdainful look, a look he’ll never forget. I understand, Mom. You want to keep your son from getting that ‘look.’ You want to protect him from being shamed and experiencing an abrupt end to his little boy-ness. But you can’t, nor is it recommended that you do. Your son’s ability to maintain friendships tells me he is more tuned-in than you give him credit for. He is learning in ‘real-life’ school how to negotiate relationships—when to kid around, and when to back off. At his age, it’s a process of trial and error, which never really ends, right? If you artificially introduce rules to correct his behavior, his natural ability to incorporate feedback could be compromised. Rather than confidently reading verbal and physical cues from his friends, teachers, and as he grows, significant others and work colleagues, he will doubt his own ability to respond appropriately. Let the teacher tell him it’s not okay to stand in the trash can. Let his friends show him they aren’t comfortable when he talks too loudly or stands too close. It sounds as though he is surrounded by people who will do that for him in a loving way—because they pretty much like him the way he is. That’s not to say you shouldn’t be on the alert for more extreme behaviors. If your son is consistently acting in inappropriate ways—and starting to put people off—you might want to solicit advice from the people who know him best: his teachers, a trusted friend, or even the school counselor. I can’t quite tell from your description whether or not others have expressed concern about your son’s behavior, which is an extremely important piece of information that could determine whether or not you should intervene. Want to teach your child to read this summer? Take advantage of our Memorial Day sale—25% off Teach Your Child to Read™ ends June 13. KRISTY SAYS: There are two ways to look at this problem. Either your son is the class clown who loves to be impulsive and silly, or he has a genuine behavior problem. He’s still a child, a boy child at that. Kids’ brains are still developing, and they can’t fully self-regulate until they are much older. Boys’ brain development in this area tends to be slower than girls. Boys also will often have more energy and the capacity to do things that make you stop and say, “WOOOOOOW.” My youngest is a lot like this. He’s four and gets a twinkle in his eye when he’s up to something. He does silly things just to get our attention, and if I’m honest, it works. One day he dumped the dog’s food bowl and wore it as a hat. Another day, he jumped in a mud puddle and pretended he was a fish. One time, he ran under the table when I dropped him off with the other kids. He wasn’t scared, he just thought it was funny. He’s fun, likeable, and I’m sure his antics will one day go a little too far. I have to remember he’s a child, and I can’t expect grown-up behavior from him. But I can teach him when not to do off-the-wall things. Honestly, some days I cringe when we go somewhere nice like church and think to myself “please don’t roll around in the mud wearing your Sunday best.” And other times, I quietly laugh at the sheer joy of his unfettered exuberance for life. It sounds like you’re more embarrassed by his antics than anyone else. To me, it seems like he’s showing off, being funny, and getting some relatively positive reactions when he does. While stepping in the trash can is ridiculous and a little gross, it’s hardly something to be worried about. His social life isn’t being hindered, and as long as he’s not otherwise disruptive, don’t worry about what others think. In this situation, if I had been there, I would simply redirect his behavior and say something like, “This is a trash can, not a toy, please pretend you’re a horse without hopping in the garbage.” I would then leave him to be silly—without the trash can. If your son does something completely inappropriate and outlandish, it’s important to correct him in the moment. If he decides to shove his whole hand in Grandma’s cake at her 80th birthday party, take him aside and calmly ask him about what he did. Try not to let your frustration, embarrassment, or anger show through. Discuss why he did it, what he was thinking before he did it, and how he can make it right—if possible. Explain that there is a difference between being genuinely silly, like at the class celebration, and being disruptive or destructive. Tell him you’d like to see him stop and count to ten the next time he wants to do something silly. You’d like him to ask himself: “Is this just silly, or could this break or ruin something for someone else?” Take some time at home after an incident to do a little role playing to help him internalize and remember these things. Give him some scenarios that are merely silly and ones where something or someone could be harmed. At the end of the day, it’s okay to let him be silly. Who knows? He might have a future as a comedian. Your role as a parent is to help him learn the difference between actions that are harmless and fun versus ones that are destructive or damaging. His filter will improve as he grows. ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you’re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn’t around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we’d love to hear from you! askmomyourquestion@gmail.com Read more ASK MOM advice. Memorial Day SALE—25% off Teach Your Child to Read™ ends June 13. 
Afraid My Baby Will Grow Up Like Me
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine THE PROBLEM: My childhood was the kind you want to forget. (Abuse, neglect, you name it.) I’ve been able to escape it, and by some miracle, I married a nice guy who treats me completely differently. Without going into detail, I still suffer residual fears, depression, and anxiety about what happened to me. It’s hard to describe, but it feels like my trauma is part of who I am. A few months ago, we had a beautiful baby daughter, and I cried when I saw how pure she was. I am terrified I will ruin her, and she will become just like me. I almost feel like she was born under an unlucky star to have me as a mother! I am desperate to not feel like this for my daughter’s sake. Please help. MARY SAYS: You may find this hard to believe, but many new mothers feel the way you do, even if they’ve never been through the kind of abuse you’ve experienced. You are embarking on a journey you’ve never taken before, and the roadmap isn’t entirely clear. GPS? Not a chance. And this isn’t just any old journey—it’s a critical one. Raising a child is scary, full of unknowns, and backed by a sure-fire guarantee you’ll make mistakes. Who wouldn’t have at least a little self-doubt? In your case, you’ve attached your feelings of inadequacy to the neglect you experienced as a child. I can assure you, the moms you met in your birthing class (and the ones you’re going to meet in playgroups, school activities, and in your neighborhood) all have their own version of why they feel insecure about how they’re doing as parents. But that doesn’t make how you feel any less real, or what happened to you any less painful. So, let’s start with what we already know about you. Even though it’s common for abused children to grow into adults who seek the same, you’ve broken that mold by choosing a husband who respects you. And despite being raised by people who were unable to offer you a loving home, you are determined to figure out how to provide one for your daughter. But what I love most is how you were moved to tears by your daughter’s “purity.” You wouldn’t be able to see that purity in your daughter if you didn’t somehow recognize it in yourself. It’s almost impossible for we humans to project an emotion we don’t somehow experience inside. What your eyes are seeing is coming straight from your heart. It’s that sweetness inside of you that will be your guide—if you let it. Do continue to address your feelings of unworthiness (if possible, with the help of a therapist), but give yourself more time to get used to being a mom. As your relationship with your daughter develops, your confidence will grow. Along with the mistakes you make, you will find joy, learning, and a special intimacy only the two of you will share. You are exactly the right person to be your daughter’s mother, and she is very, very lucky to belong to you. Interested in Teaching your child to read at home? Try our online phonics program. KRISTI SAYS: First of all, the trauma you experienced was not your fault. It wounded you and caused you so much pain and heartache. That type of trauma takes a lot of time and professional help to heal from. Hopefully, raising your daughter in a healthy home will aid you in the healing process. What if instead of fearing she becomes like you in a bad way, you look at all the positive ways she could be like you? Your trauma led you to desire a different life for yourself and your children. You chose a good man who treats you and your daughter well, and that is truly something to celebrate! Many women do the opposite and end up in situations like the ones they grew up in. That trauma is repeated in their children’s lives and the cycle continues. From the sound of it, that is not the case here. You have developed strength and resilience through the years, so if your daughter is like you, she will be strong, determined, and level-headed. She will make great choices in life no matter what happens to her. She will love others with a fierce, passionate love that brings her to tears, just like you experienced when you first saw her. We moms experience so many fears. Before I had my first son, I was terrified he would walk in front of a car. I would feel so much panic when he got old enough to walk, especially if we were near cars. When he ran ahead in a parking lot one day, I yelled and raced toward him, in a panic because I was so gripped with fear. My heart was racing and my imagination was running through all the things that could’ve happened if he had been hit. I find that when my fears get ahead of me, I need to focus on the things that are true and good in that moment. I also need to make sure the words I speak about my children’s lives are positive and don’t leave me feeling more scared. Flip the script your fears are telling you. Then, find something new to declare over your daughter’s life and yours. A declaration is something you want to see in the future. If she is going to be like you, pick the best parts you want her to be. Our words have power. When we say and think certain things enough, we start to believe them and act accordingly. Declare something like this: My daughter is a wonderful gift. I am so thankful for her. Her dad and I are not like my parents. She is in a healthy environment where she will learn how to love others and handle conflict in a healthy way. She will be like me. She will choose to be around people that lift her up and don’t tear her down. She will be kind, compassionate, loving, and good. No bad thing will harm her the way I was harmed. Use this declaration when your fears attack you. As for your own emotional state, post-partum is a challenging time and can increase depression and anxiety. It’s okay to seek out counseling for those issues. There is hope for recovery from trauma with the right approach. Your daughter is truly blessed to have you as her mom. Don’t let your fears lead you to believe anything else. ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you’re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn’t around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we’d love to hear from you! askmomyourquestion@gmail.com Read more ASK MOM advice.  Son Turning into Hypochondriac
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine THE PROBLEM: Ever since the pandemic started, my 11-year old son ‘catches’ everything he reads about. He gets stomachaches, headaches, sore throats—any symptom he can think of. And each time, he’s sure it’s something deadly. He sings ‘Happy Birthday’ when he washes his hands, sometimes twice, just to make sure. (I even suggested he sing a different song to help him ease up on the compulsion, but he won’t.) I’m scared he’s becoming a hypochondriac. He can’t seem to stop thinking about his health. I keep telling him he’s fine, but that doesn’t work. I need ideas! MARY SAYS: If ever there were a triggering event for developing hypochondria, a pandemic oughta do it. EVERYBODY has been inordinately focused on their health, other people’s health, germs, and the state of the planet for the last year or so. And because a pandemic is something most of us have never lived through, there are a lot of worst-case scenarios bandying about. It’s the ‘bandying about’ that can actually be the most harmful to our children. This pandemic we’re in has many people fixating on how dire—and fragile—our existence on this planet truly is. Granted, the horizon is looking brighter, but many adults have been tripped into a state of heightened anxiety and can’t seem to get out of it. Imagine what this does to the kids. So, for starters, please be careful about sharing your worries with your son—or in front of him. If your family has been impacted by COVID-19—through illness, job loss, mental health issues—show your son how you are working through it, rather than how terrified you are. This doesn’t mean you should cover up what’s going on, but please limit your son’s involvement to a need-to-know basis. Make a focused effort to point out the good news. The number of people getting ill is rapidly falling in multiple areas, and many of the places your son may have frequented before the pandemic will have opened back up. Remind him that children do not appear to be nearly as susceptible as older adults, and most people who get COVID-19 do get better. Make sure he knows this, since he is clearly picking up only on the bad stuff. It might also be helpful to introduce some calming activities into your home. Rather than engaging in conversations about your son’s fears, break out some colorful paints and pads of paper, turn some fun music on, or show him how to sit quietly with his eyes closed for a moment of stillness. In all likelihood, your son’s anxious behaviors will subside when he feels as though the world is more ‘normal’ again. And who’s to say it won’t be? I’m not sure anybody has ever figured out what ‘normal’ really is. Teaching your child to read? Learn about our online phonics program! KRISTI SAYS: One of the unfortunate side effects of this pandemic is that it has created a lot of extra fear in children. Children who were never concerned about anything are now worried about everything. On the bright side, your son is doing a great job with one of the best ways to prevent sickness, which is proper handwashing. It’s something adults and even healthcare professionals struggle to do regularly. The downside, of course, is that he is becoming compulsive. Fear causes people to do strange things, and it’s likely that fear is at the root of his new habits. He is scared to get sick and terrified of what will happen to him if he does. So, he has taken to doing the only thing he knows to control. Washing his hands. For him, a headache from dehydration could mean death is imminent. Or a scratchy throat from mild seasonal allergies is the end. Why not teach him some of your grandma’s remedies? Mine always had me gargle warm salt water for sore throats, drink a little juice and water and lay down for a bit with a headache. This may help him feel more in control and show him that he can do something proactively to help his symptoms. Next, don’t let him have unsupervised access to news headlines and the internet in general. Fear sells, and unfortunately, many headlines lead with worst-case scenarios and the deadliest cases. While these situations are heartbreaking and true, they don’t tell the whole story. Most people who have been infected during the pandemic didn’t have symptoms, and those who did were only mildly sick and got better with the right treatments. Take him outside. Go hiking on a trail or somewhere outdoors where he can feel safe from getting sick, but also doesn’t need to wear his mask. Some people are more prone to the negative side effects of mask-wearing, which can remind them too often that something is ‘off.’ Talk to your son about his concerns. Let him express how he feels and don’t judge him for it. This past year has been very difficult for everyone. Children lack the ability to process these hard emotions. Don’t be afraid to seek counseling, someone who can help him come up with strategies to overcome his fears. It’s likely your son is trying to process everything he’s feeling and looking for a way to be in control. ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we’d love to hear from you! askmomyourquestion@gmail.com Read more ASK MOM advice. Your child can learn to read with phonics.  Am I Raising a Narcissist?
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine THE PROBLEM: I have recently learned that one of my friends is a narcissist (as diagnosed by a clinician), so I have been doing a lot of reading about the disorder. I am discovering that my daughter demonstrates some of the characteristics of narcissism, like being unkind to other kids, talking about herself all the time, and not appearing to feel remorse when she does something wrong. One example of how mean she can be is that she didn’t want to invite a little boy in her class to her birthday party because he ‘smells funny.’ I made her invite him anyway, but I don’t think the boy had a good time, since my daughter managed to show her displeasure by hardly talking to him at all. She’s only 6, but if she does have narcissistic tendencies, I want to get on it right away. MARY SAYS: Many therapists agree that 6 years of age is too young for a child to actually be a narcissist. In fact, a certain amount of egocentricity is healthy at this age; children need to figure out who they are and how they fit in. As parents, it’s our job to guide our innately self-centered children into grownups who naturally feel compassion and empathy toward others. You’re doing the right thing by addressing these issues now, rather than waiting until your daughter is a tween or a teen, when she could conceivably cause more harm to others. After all, you don’t want your daughter to be the ‘mean girl.’ From what you describe, it sounds as though your daughter may be struggling with some serious issues. Does she act like she’s better than other children? Does she feel entitled to get whatever she wants? Does she expect excessive praise, regardless of her performance? Is she often jealous? Does she lack the ability to imagine what others might be feeling? If your answer to any of these questions is ‘yes,’ your daughter (and your family) may be in for a bumpy road ahead, and change will only happen if you go first. Often times, when a child demonstrates disturbing characteristics such as these, he or she has managed to take control over the parent-child relationship. Whether your child was simply born headstrong (and you’re not), or she’s learned these behaviors from somebody else (not necessarily you), she’s figured out how to manipulate you. For whatever reason, she is getting away with behaviors that are not acceptable, and she is behaving like this with permission. It’s time for you to step into your role as a parent and take charge. You must communicate zero-tolerance for cruel behaviors that are harmful to others. Here are a few ideas on how to start: Be Firm. When you see your child behaving unkindly toward someone else, tell her in a clear and concise way that you insist she be sensitive to other people’s feelings, not just her own. Perhaps you’ve told her this already, but then what happened? It’s not enough to simply point it out. For example, if she won’t allow another child to join a game, pull her aside and ask her how she would feel if someone excluded her. Then ask her what she should do about it. An apology is in order, and an invitation to play should follow. If you daughter can’t (or doesn’t want to) see this, it’s time for her to go home so she can reflect on it some more. In an ideal world, your daughter will realize what she has done, or at the very least, quietly go home with you. It’s more likely, however, that she will become angry and defensive, blaming you, the other child, anything rather than taking responsibility for what she’s done Here’s where you need to be strong. (I am imagining this is the point where your previous efforts have come unglued.) Refuse to engage in her argument. Repeat your directive, regardless of how many times she comes back with a new defense. The responsibility is hers to be kind to everyone, period. Repeat, repeat, repeat, and don’t get sucked into an unhealthy back-and-forth. Always remember, you are the parent. Don’t Over-Praise. Parents often lavish excessive praise on their children, in the mistaken belief that lots of praise builds a high self-esteem. It doesn’t. Rather, too much praise creates an individual who seeks affirmation from external sources, which puts someone’s self-worth at the mercy of other people’s opinions. We’ve all known (or read about) narcissistic adults who spend every waking moment making sure other people are thinking about them, talking about them, and admiring them. What a tiresome way to live! If you praise your daughter for every little thing she does, please stop! A parent’s praise serves one true purpose, and that is to be a role model for when and how children should eventually praise themselves—realistically, with honest feedback, and with love. Over-praising will create grandiosity in your daughter, which becomes even more insidious (and MUCH harder to let go of) when she takes over for you and starts doing it on her own. Balance Her Relationships. How many chores is your daughter expected to do? How often does she ask about YOUR day? Is she expected to help her siblings (if she has any), or feed, water, and walk a dog? In too many families, the singular answers to each of these is none, never, and no. In a home that is overly child-centric, the children are rock stars, and everybody else is there to admire them. While that may sound like a drag for ‘everybody else,’ it’s much worse for the child. Children need to be needed. (Who doesn’t?) They want to learn how to diaper a baby sister, teach the family dog to do tricks, set the table. Don’t mistake “Aww, Mom, do I have to?” for not really wanting to. This is what we all say (even to ourselves), when we have to interrupt what we’re doing to do something else. Self-sufficient young children are a joy to behold. They pack their own lunches, manage their own homework, even do their own laundry when they’re tall enough to reach. They grow into independent bigger children who see themselves as contributing members of a class, a sports team, a community. And make it a point to tell your child something about yourself—every day—to help your child develop curiosity and interest in others. With a focused effort, you can reverse the behaviors you are observing in your daughter. At first, she might feel like she’s fallen from her throne and can’t do anything right. But over time, she will get it. Your challenge will be patience; it’s important you execute your new plan with caring and love, not anger and disappointment. More than anything else, your overly self-centered child needs to know you love her unconditionally, and that no matter what she does, you will always be there for her. Teaching your child to read? Learn about our online phonics program! KRISTI SAYS: Let’s be real here, all children have “narcissistic tendencies.” They only think of themselves, they say rude things, they have no concept of personal space, and they think the world revolves around them. Like you said, your daughter is only 6-years-old. I would be slow to label her a narcissist and would instead look for ways to help her develop a healthy view of herself and to exhibit more compassion as she grows. Isolating others and being mean can be a cover for your daughter’s own insecurities. It may reflect how peers have treated her, or it may protect her from being bullied. (By joining in on the bullying, she doesn’t become their target.) Kids don’t always realize the impact their words have on other children. As parents, it’s our job to teach them. One thing I like to do with my kids when they use mean words is to turn it back on them momentarily. I find that it helps them to understand that what they say matters. I might ask, “How would you feel if someone called you smelly? What if they said you were the stinkiest creature to ever walk the earth, and no one should play with you because or they’ll stink, too?” I may also ask something like, “Now how does it feel when people say you are a good friend, and they can’t wait to play with you? What if they said you were the coolest kid, that everyone should want to hang out with you?” Then I’ll follow up with something like, “One of these statements feels good to hear, and the other doesn’t. Which one feels good? Which one doesn’t? How does it make you feel? How can you use kind words with your classmates instead of unkind ones?” When I use this tactic, it helps my children develop an understanding of the power of words. I don’t expect my children to be friends with everyone, but I do encourage them to be kind. At school, children are in a bubble. They only experience life with the same group of kids, day in and day out. If you want to help your daughter develop compassion, expand her world. Take her to parks in other parts of town. Give her opportunities to connect with new kids. Let her experience what it’s like to be an “outsider.” Get her involved in activities that require her to interact with a diverse group of peers, like a sport where kids need to work together. Maybe she could volunteer to read to shelter pets or participate in a food drive for the hungry. These types of activities will help her see a world beyond herself so she can develop a compassionate heart. Let there be consequences when she is unkind and reward her with praise when you observe her being kind or helpful to others. For the birthday situation, you unfortunately set her up by forcing her to invite the boy she didn’t like. She was still around the same peers, and you added him to the mix, hoping she’d be kind. It sounds like she did a pretty good job given the circumstance. She may have ignored him, but it doesn’t sound like she purposefully tormented him or teased him, either. She deserves praise for that. It’s a good step, one that can grow into something more. One way to help correct her behavior is to have her practice apologizing. Even if she doesn’t “feel” remorse, she can still learn to do the right thing. You could have her say something like, “I’m sorry I called you smelly. It wasn’t kind.” Even if she only practices with you, it’s a way to help her verbalize what she did. Eventually, you can have her go a step further and actually say it to the person she hurt. I always have my kids apologize to someone when they’ve done or said something hurtful. When they were little, they didn’t necessarily “feel bad,” and they were reluctant to do it. But I’ve noticed as they’ve grown older, the “feeling” of remorse is starting to follow the words. Continue looking for the good in your daughter and don’t label her just yet. She’s still a child and has a lot of time to learn and grow. ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we’d love to hear from you! askmomyourquestion@gmail.com Teach your child to read with phonics. Read more ASK MOM advice.  Son Has Anxiety About World Ending by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine THE PROBLEM: I’m afraid my 13-year old son has gotten into some stuff on the internet that’s causing him a lot of anxiety. He’s convinced the world is going to end soon, and he can’t stop talking about it. He’s lost interest in the activities he used to enjoy, like playing guitar and watching sports on TV with his dad, and he’s trying to convince everybody else to worry, too. (Again, by talking about it all the time.) He has also confided to me that he feels hopeless, and he doesn’t know what’s going to happen to him after the world ends. He is suffering so much, and I feel awful for him, but I don’t know how to help him.
MARY SAYS: Have you ever found your mind grinding away at something you said in a work meeting or obsessing on an imagined health scare? You’re bee-bopping along, happy, and all of a sudden, bam! In an instant, your thoughts turn into a runaway train without brakes. At best, it’s annoying, but at worst, obsessive thinking can consume you in a most uncomfortable way, which is what is happening to your son. Unfortunately, heightened anxiety is a common fallout from a global disaster, which we have been in since—since—wow, it feels like forever. There’s no shortage of bad news to fuel endless doom-scrolling, which an anxious mind loves to feed on. Common sense might tell you to limit your son’s internet use. But aside from dealing with the pushback you’ll get, it’s not that simple. To revisit our earlier metaphor, the train has already left the station. Your son is in desperate need of coping tools. For whatever reason, he has joined the thousands of children who have lost the resiliency that comes so naturally to young people. He may be a particularly sensitive boy, or he might be dealing with another issue that is too overwhelming to look at, which makes obsessing on the end of the world an easier option. He also might be picking up on how you’re feeling. If you are a parent, you’ve probably met your own demons this year, having to deal with the demands of raising a family and having a pandemic thrown in just in case you didn’t have enough going on. How are you managing? What races through your mind while you’re lying in bed, eyes wide open, at 3 in the morning? Are you experiencing heightened anxiety or depression? Most significantly for your son, what are you saying about all of this? If you’re not doing the ‘everything’s coming up roses’ thing, that’s good. Trying times are best dealt with honestly, rather than putting on a happy face even when you don’t feel like it. But if your son is only hearing about your worries and fears, perhaps it’s time to share the helpful strategies you use for dealing with them. And if you aren’t using any, now’s a good time to start. First of all, be aware of projecting gloom into the future, which might sound like this: “COVID 19 is just the beginning. They say what’s coming down the pike will be a lot worse.” Or: “Kids are so behind in school. How will they ever catch up?” Or: “Now that I’m working remote, I feel far away, like I’ll lose my job any day now.” Indeed, you may believe all these things, but unless they come to pass, they’re just scary stories, invented to feed that insatiable anxious mind. Mind your words, please. Our children need us to. At the age of 13, children want to be autonomous, and they want someone to be in charge. These opposing ‘wants’ create a breeding ground for uncertainty and fear, but they also offer an opportunity for growth. True, we may find ourselves facing another pandemic in years to come. But does that portend a dark fate, or have we learned something about how resilient we humans can be? Yes, many kids have had a less-than-desirable school experience over the past 12 months. But could this gap in our children’s education possibly be a chance for them to get off the hamster wheel of pushing through? I mean, what’s the hurry? And have you ever lost a job? How often does that turn into something better? These are not small issues. But a shift in perspective can turn setbacks into opportunities, while at the same time relieving suffering for everybody in your household. I would also encourage you to give your son a device to use when he feels himself beginning to ruminate about death and destruction. This simple, 3-step ‘box breath’ is extremely powerful at calming down the nervous system. It’s quick, easy, portable, and nobody ever needs to know you’re doing it. Here’s how it works:
Try it. Right now. You’ll be amazed how relaxed you feel. Your son may need to use this device 20 times an hour when he first begins, but over time, just thinking about the box breath will prompt his system to chill out. And finally, keep in mind that although you might try to convince your son the world is NOT going to end, do we really know for sure what will happen next? Trying to control an outcome only offers temporary relief from anxiety. For a more sustained sense of wellbeing, one needs to come from a centered place, knowing deep down that no matter what, everything is as it should be. People spend a lifetime trying to find that eternal nugget—through faith, centering practices, nature, and many other sources. Seekers always find. Share your own journey with your son, and perhaps you will discover in each other a companion to journey with—a hidden gem, buried deep inside these crazy times we’re living in. Kristi is on vacation this week. ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you’re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn’t around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we’d love to hear from you! askmomyourquestion@gmail.com Teaching a child to read? Learn about our online phonics program! Read more ASK MOM advice.  Mom Loves One Child More Than the OtherTHE PROBLEM: My daughter, who is now eight, was so easy I couldn’t wait to have another. As a baby, she had a smile for everyone. She’s the kind of kid who will busy herself with a coloring book in a restaurant, and she hardly ever puts up a fuss when I ask her to do something. But then, a year-and-a-half after she was born, we had Adam, who was unhappy from the beginning. He screamed a lot for the first two years, and still fights with me on EVERYTHING, even though he’s seven, old enough to know better. The problem is, I’ve finally admitted to myself that I love my daughter more than my son, which is about the worst thing I could do for both of them. I feel so ashamed, like I’m a terrible mother. Shouldn’t I love them both the same?
MARY SAYS: Aaahhhh, the blessing and the curse of an easy firstborn. When new parents have the kind of baby who coos at strangers, sleeps through the night, and naps on long trips, it’s tempting for the happy couple to believe they’re pretty good at this ‘parenting’ thing. It might even tip into judgy, especially when their friends pop out a screamer: “Just pat him on the back and he’ll go right back to sleep,” you say, or “Try a pacifier, that worked like a charm for us.” Unwittingly, these two think they’re the ones who created such a model human being. And to a degree, they have. But then along comes baby number two, an alien who drops into your otherwise happy home. This one takes charge from the get-go, and you’re never quite sure how to please your new boss. In other words, children are like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get. What complicates the situation is that children often have personalities similar to one parent or the other. I am guessing your daughter’s temperament is like your own, which is why it’s been so easy to engage with her. Adam, however, sounds like he has a different personality type, one that may even remind you of someone you were never too crazy about. (Mom? Dad? Aunt Lil?) But they are both yours, which is why you are concerned about your feelings toward Adam. For starters, let's talk about the word ‘love.’ Love can’t be divided or split in two, it can’t be measured. Be assured, you have plenty of love inside of you for both of your children and all the other children in the world. Love is whole and complete, impossible to ‘parcel out’ to one more than another. When you conclude you love your son more than your daughter, it’s more likely that Adam is triggering something inside of YOU you don’t like. Or that you’re triggered by. Or ashamed of. And for Adam’s sake, it’s important you figure out what that ‘something’ is. Using pen and paper, write down everything about Adam that drives you crazy. (Something about writing by hand helps to reveal the truths we are trying to get to.) For example:
Now it’s time for reflection, pen still in hand. Was there ever a time you were scolded or shamed for acting out? Talking too loud? Maybe your teachers complained that you never listened, talked too much, or couldn’t follow directions. Maybe the opposite was true, and you NEVER spoke up. Early on, perhaps Mom or Dad convinced you that what you had to say wasn’t worth hearing, and now you have this child who says whatever is on his mind as loud as he can. Try and recall when the original wound was inflicted, and you might understand why you react so strongly to Adam. Once you are able to identify these characteristics in yourself, you will see your son as a gift you’ve been graced with to help you embrace your own injured places, ones that have been hidden in shadow for too long. If you do this, the healing can begin—for yourself, and for the beautiful boy who has been placed in your care. KRISTI SAYS: The idea that we should love two people the same way only sets us up for failure. However, in parenting, it’s important to treat your children with the same amount of love and respect if you don’t want to breed resentment. Children pick up on our emotions and behaviors. They know when they aren’t the favored one, and this can lead them to behave in unlovable ways. There are two separate issues at hand here, and both need to be addressed. One is how you feel, and the other is how you behave. Let’s start with your feelings. It sounds like your daughter was one of those babies that most people can only dream about. Easy, compliant, and smiley. Your time with her peaceful disposition was cut short by Adam, who entered the world with needs you struggled to meet. You wanted to make him happy like your daughter, but he didn’t comply. On top of that, they were so close in age you were raising two babies together. Adam just felt hard, which can lead to disappointment. You’ve been holding onto that letdown for 7 years, and now you’re admitting to yourself you love her more. It sounds like you’re throwing in the towel and giving up on what could be a beautiful mother-son relationship. Comparing him to her and wondering why he can’t be more like his sister may be what’s at the crux of this issue. It sounds like you LIKE your daughter more because she complies and listens to you. It also sounds like you LIKE your son less because he’s harder to manage. (Liking is not the same as loving, by the way.) A few important things to understand:
All children need to be shown love. They also need your time and attention. If your feelings toward your son are causing you to withhold love, then I would encourage you to work on this. If you are withholding love because your son isn’t doing what you think he should, then your love toward your children is conditional. Perhaps that was how you were raised, so it’s understandable, but it sounds like you want to do better. If you want to improve your relationship with your son, start by treating him as a unique individual. He’s not the same person as your daughter, and it’s unfair for you to expect the same things from him. Try carving out 30 minutes each day, just for him. Go to the park and kick a ball around or do a messy art project. Read him his favorite book for the millionth time. Also, watch your words. Have you ever said: Why can’t you be more like your sister? or I can’t believe you did that again, or even When are you going to grow up? As parents, we say things out of frustration, but starting now, you’ll want to be more intentional about what you say to your son. Use your words to build him up, not tear him down. If you observe something positive, praise him for his efforts, no matter how small: “I really liked how you built that tower with your blocks. It was so smart and creative.” “I enjoyed playing at the park today. When do you want to do that again?” “You’re doing a great job getting ready for bed. Thanks for putting your pajamas on so quickly.” Correct his behavior when necessary, but don’t compare his behavior to his sister’s. Gently correct him if he’s disrespectful, give him natural consequences when he acts up, and understand that he needs a different approach than your daughter does. If you change your behaviors, your feelings will eventually follow. You’ll discover one day that you don’t love your daughter more, you just love your children differently. The truth is, they are two exceptional, beautiful human beings who need to be loved by their mother in unique ways ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we’d love to hear from you! askmomyourquestion@gmail.com Read more ASK MOM advice in Fredericksburg Parent & Family magazine. Learn about our online phonics program.  My Daughter Repulses Other Kids
by Mary Follin and Kristi Crosson Read on Fredericksburg Parent & Family Magazine THE PROBLEM: My daughter is desperate for a friend—even ONE friend would do—but every time another child pays attention to her (which is rare), my daughter does something to make herself as annoying as possible, like starting these odd clinging behaviors. And by clinging, I mean following kids around and talking nonsense. She might get stuck on a knock-knock joke, or a silly song, and most kids don’t know how to respond. She even reverts to baby talk when the other child ignores her. I’ve seen this happen before, but now her (third grade) teacher is bringing it to my attention, too. What really makes me sad is that my daughter is so sweet—and loyal—and would make a wonderful friend if she could only get through the awkward stage of getting to know somebody. MARY SAYS: For whatever reason, some children are less adept at picking up on social cues, and your daughter might be one of them. While there may be other issues going on here (and I think it’s important you check into that possibility), there are some behavioral techniques you can share with your daughter to help her make friends more easily. But first you need to put yourself in her shoes. While it’s obvious to you that she is intentionally turning off the exact people she wants to spend time with, she most likely doesn’t realize she’s doing it. To her, the other kids ‘speak’ a language she doesn’t understand, so she’s made up her own set of signals to use, like: Follow that kid. Then what? She has no idea, but she knows she needs to do something. Thus, the knock-knock jokes and baby talk. So please don’t point out to your child how she is bothering the other children. Right now, these annoying behaviors are all she has. Instead of encouraging her to give them up, offer her some more powerful tools and explain to her how much better they work. Open your conversation with what she truly wants. Ask her how she feels about making a special friend, and if she’d like to come up with some ideas about how to do it. Describe in detail why she would make a wonderful friend for a very lucky person. (You describe your daughter as sweet and loyal. Who could ask for more?) Then, share with her a time when you felt awkward about meeting someone new, and tell her it can happen to anybody. Next, let her in on the ‘secret’ to making friends that a lot of people don’t know. People love when you ask them questions! Tell her it can be tempting to talk only about yourself, but people feel good when you care enough to ask about them. This may be a tricky concept for a third-grader, which is why she'll need to practice with you. Here are few questions to get her started: What’s your favorite color? What do you like about school? (Or what DON’T you like about school, depending upon where your daughter is coming from.) How has your life changed since the pandemic? Do you have any brothers or sisters? What’s your favorite food? What’s the best book/movie you’ve ever read? Once your daughter has chosen a few favorites, she’s ready to go deeper. She needs to learn to ask a second question about the same topic. For example, let’s say her new friend tells your daughter that ‘yellow’ is her favorite color. A second question could be, “Do you like bananas?” The second question is harder because it can’t be memorized, so role playing with you is particularly important. Let your daughter play herself, and you be the new friend. Have her practice asking you the same few questions—many times. Each time, throw her a curve ball and help her think of a second question, based on your new answer. Stick with this until she can do it on her own. Then switch. YOU be your daughter and let her be the friend. (She’ll love this!) Learning a different way of relating to other people isn’t easy. But with enough practice, she’ll get more comfortable with it. She will also begin to exercise her ‘listening’ muscle, which is a critical part of relationships that many adults have yet to master. KRISTI SAYS: I think making friends is harder for children in this generation. Some kids are so used to being in front of screens, let’s face it, they don’t know how to respond when real children want to interact with them. Add to that the hover-parenting culture and the prevalence of leveraging technology for “face-to-face” learning in the past year, and you have a recipe for social disaster. And at that age, kids have always been awkward. At least, I was. While I am quite the extrovert now, we moved every couple of years growing up and making friends was tricky. I’d get nervous and sometimes the only thing I could do was act silly. Not everyone liked that. I got rejected a lot. But sometimes kids would laugh about it and be silly with me, and it was wonderful. As a mom, my heart breaks when my kids get rejected. My daughter (kindergarten) has the opposite problem to yours. She is very shy when she meets new kids. While I just want to jump in and introduce her to all the kids and get them to like her, I know I need to let her navigate these new surroundings in her way. She is learning to watch for opportunities to “be brave” and ask if she can play with others. The problem is that when a new person is too bold, she gets intimidated by their strong personality. She gets fearful if the other child starts following her. It’s not that she doesn’t like the attention, she simply doesn’t realize the other child just wants a friend. As a parent, I’ve had to sit down and talk about certain social cues to help her feel more comfortable. It’s my job to model these behaviors and to offer her ideas that can help her out. If I watch her struggle to say “hi” to a new person, all she might need is a gentle reminder that sometimes even a wave and a smile is a good start if she’s feeling too shy. I also take time to tell her “great job” when I see her do something a little outside of her comfort zone to make a new friend. Here are a few things that have helped us navigate the friend-making situation:
ASK MOM offers parents two perspectives on today’s child-rearing issues—one from a mom with grown children (Mary), the other from a mom raising small children (Kristi). If you're looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn't around to ask, drop in! If you have a question for Mary and Kristi, we’d love to hear from you! * Learn about Mary's online phonics program! Teach Your Child to Read with my easy english program that is fun for your kids for kindergarten phonics! askmomyourquestion@gmail.com Learn about our online phonics program! Read more ASK MOM advice. 
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SPEAKING OF KIDS: Musings, stories, and tips about teaching, reading, and parenting.
ABOUT MARY FOLLINMary is the author of TEACH YOUR CHILD TO READ and ETHYR, winner of the Moonbeam Children's Book Award and the Gertrude Warner Book Award. She is mom to two grown sons and enjoys sharing her more seasoned perspective with parents of younger children.
ABOUT KRISTI CROSSONKristi Crosson is a freelance writer, homeschooling mom of three children, and author of Healthy Mom Revolution, a blog that offers insights on healthy parenting.
Suzanne Johnson, mother of five children and grandmother of six, is an illustrator, book cover designer, and author of the Realms of Edenocht series.
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